如果有一天 我回到從前
回到最原始的我 你是否會覺得我不錯
如果有一天 我離你遙遠
不能再和你相約 你是否會發覺我已經說再見
當你的眼睛瞇著笑
當你喝可樂當你找
我想對你好 你從來不知道
想你想你也能成為嗜好
當你說今天的煩惱
當你說夜深你睡不著
我想對你說卻 害怕都說錯
好喜歡你知不知道
如果有一天 夢想都實現
回憶都成了永遠 你是否還會記得今天
如果有一天 我們都發覺
原來什麼都可以 無論是否還會停留在這裡
也許可是讓我想得太多
也許該回到沒我
夢里和相遇就毫不猶豫
大聲的說我要說
中文 |
English 蝴蝶眨幾次眼睛 才學會飛行
夜空灑滿了星星 但幾顆會落地
我飛行 但你墜落之際
很靠近 還聽見呼吸
對不起 我卻沒捉緊你
你不知道我為什麼離開你
我堅持不能說放任你哭泣
你的淚滴像傾盆大雨
碎了滿地 在心裡清晰
你不知道我為什麼狠下心
盤旋在你看不見那高空裡
多的事 你不知道的事
"Things You Do Not Know"
How many times must butterflies blink before they can fly?
How many of the stars that litter the skies remain?
Why do I soar high in the sky, but you fall straight to the ground?
You're so near - I hear your breath - yet regretfully
Why did I not hold you close to me?
You don't know the reason I left you.
I insisted on not telling you, leaving you to cry,
as your tears plummet the ground like a heavy rain,
resounding loudly in my heart.
You don't know the reason I hardened my heart,
choosing to circle high above your field of vision.
So many
Are the things you do not know.
中文 |
English
你知道我這時多麼希望我電話失靈，我看錯了。我，又再一次被放鴿子。你輕率的道歉更顯示我的天真、我的白癡。你要我怎麼辦？要直接說我傻得可笑嗎？你讓我像笨蛋一樣，竟做出一些幼稚的行為。我服了你，好累。這，要維持到多久呢？我的心要碎成幾片呢？你不要這樣對我，好不好？rGJe5jR5hV1XCuTtzU06z5j5toY41dzcx7yEiOXVb3o=我是那麼的在意你說的話，我對你的承諾。
Chinese to English.
It's times like this I'd rather my phone be spoilt. I must have read it wrongly. Once again, I've been stood up again. Your casual apology stands in stark contrast to my simple-mindedness and my retardedness. What am I to say? I might as well just admit to my stupidity. Because of you, I do childish things. I give up, how long is this going to last? Just be fair to me, will you? You'd never know much much I take to heart your words and my promises to you.
中文 |
English 這一周時間過得不是很好。一直在趕功課、作業、專題。很忙、很累。加上龍舟訓練，有點喘不過氣。感謝主，我還是熬過了。可是，這個星期並沒有更好。我還是有很多功課、作業、專題須要做。更多夜要熬。你還在嗎？我已經有點到了絕望的盡頭。明知不可能，我還是一頭栽了進去。傻得很，可是我控制不住。當我到了筋疲力盡的時候，偶爾還是會想起你。想想你現在還好嗎、辛苦嗎？＃＃看到你的時候，你並沒有我那麼的期待看到我，我也知道。我即使離開了，你也還是態度淡漠。你從來不過問——是因爲這是你平常的態度，還是你根本漠不關心？我不懂。我也可能永遠不瞭解。
當我快撐不住的時候，有誰在支持我，誰在支撐著我？也許沒人懂，或也許是因爲我表達不出這份痛，也許是因爲我說不出來我的傷。也許是因爲我不懂得與他人掏心。我想問題在於我吧……是我想太多，是我接受不了，是我不懂得找別人，是我不應該。
Chinese to English.
It hasn't been a good week. Been rushing my homework, assignments and projects. Busy and feeling tired all the time. With dragon boat training along side, I can hardly breathe. But thank God, I made it. However, this week isn't going to be any better. I still have much work to do. More nights to burn.
When I can't take this pain any more, is there anyone supporting me in person or even in spirit? Maybe no one knows, maybe it's because I don't know how to express this pain or hurt I have. Maybe it's because I don't know how to confide in others. I guess the problem is me -- I'm the one who is thinking too much, I'm the one who cannot accept the facts, I'm the one who don't know how to find others, I'm the one who shouldn't have.
中文 |
English
可能是藥性的關係，禮拜晚上雖然發燒，想睡可是睡不著。早知道就不應該吃含有咖啡因的班納度加強錠。整個人在床上翻來覆去，一直感到很暈眩。燒一直不退，沒辦法，就去廁所拿了一個桶，放水加入冰塊，用布條浸水，嘗試伏著額頭降溫。換了幾次佈，心想這也不是辦法，不可能整晚一直換下去，就自己凌晨三點獨自出門去買無咖啡因的班納度和能伏在額頭的散熱片。去Esso沒有賣散熱片，只好走去大牌19的7-11買。回到家吃藥，伏上散熱片就想辦法入睡。可悲嗎？
整晚睡不好，又因為咖啡因的緣故，思緒不斷地跑。心裡想很多，開始納悶起來。我心裡一直掛念的人是不可能會想到我。我這幾個月來常想起的人是不會對我有好感，因為不可能。
是我想太多（我也這樣說）
但你（有）沒有真的心疼我
有沒有人此時此刻在心疼我？在掛念我？在擔心我？我想沒有。你有嗎？我想也沒有。就算我再怎麼表示，我過不了我自己這關，你也不可能有什麼回應。我在堅持什麼？我在懊惱什麼？我在接受不了什麼？我以後的路要怎麼走我真的不知道。我只知道我很怕一個人。我不喜歡一個人。
年齡將近二十三的我恍然發現我不再是青少年。我還很幼稚，對未來仍然沒有規劃。我爸在二十五歲時就結婚，有工作，人生有規劃，而我到現在一個伴都沒有。我的伴會是誰，我迷惘。
一個人活在壓抑中是多麼可怕的事，你知道嗎？也或許因為我逐漸有能力獨立，我開始瞭解我為什麼近年來才開始嚮往上夜店，嚮往自我陶醉，嚮往放縱自己。我慶倖我今年年尾出國交流時有朋友一起去，不然我不知道我一個人在外會作什麼蠢事，而會不會一失足成千古恨。私欲——就是如此。
我說這麼多也無濟於事，因為我的私欲如今還是被我的理性壓抑著。我很難想像有一天上帝會跟我說：“你控制了你的私欲，作得好。”就為了控制，我有多難受祢知道嗎？
This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that he promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that? - Shelter in the time of storm
歸根結蒂，上帝向我應許的美好，並非指某個處境、資產、地位或關係。祂向我應許的美好，是祂自己。世上哪還會有更美好的禮物呢？——唯獨那暴風雨中的避風港。
我心裡冷笑了一下。
Chinese to English.
Probably due to the effects of the drug, even though I wanted to sleep the fever off on Sunday night, I couldn't. I shouldn't have taken Panadol Extra, which had caffeine. I was tossing and turning in bed, yet drowsy at the same time. My fever persisted, so I got myself a bucket of ice water, dipped a towel in and placed it on my forehead. After changing the towel a few times, I realise I couldn't do this all night. So I left my house alone at 3 am to buy some normal Panadol and cooling pads. Esso did not sell the cooling pads; no choice but to go to the 7-11 at Blk 19 to get some. Ate the medicine when I reached home, put on the cooling pad and tried to sleep. Pathetic eh?
I didn't sleep well the whole night. The effects of caffeine kept me awake and pensive. Emotions started to well up. The person that I have been thinking of all these months is not going to be thinking of me now, neither will that person have anything for me, because it will never happen.
是我想太多（我也這樣說）
但你（有）沒有真的心疼我
(I know too that) I think too much
But (has) your heart ever ached for me
Is there anyone right now whose heart is aching for me, or missing me, or worrying for me? I guess not. Are you? I don't think so either. No matter how I express myself, I can't get pass myself, neither will you ever reciprocate. So what am I waiting for? What is it that I am troubled about? Why the hell am I not able to accept it? I really don't know what lies ahead of me, I just know I'm afraid to be alone. And I hate being alone.
I am almost 23 already and it's only now that I finally get it in my head that I'm no longer young. But I haven't grown up - I haven't planned for my future. When my dad was 25, he got married, got a job, had a plan in life. Whereas for me, I don't even have a partner. Who will that person be? I don't know; I'm lost.
Do you know how scary it is to live under suppression? And probably also because I can be independent now, I start to realise why I want to go clubbing so much nowadays, why I want to indulge in myself nowadays, why I just want to let my hair down nowadays. I think I should be happy that I am going exchange this year end with a friend, else I really don't know what stupid things I will do out there. I may very well make that one mistake that I will regret for life. That, is suppression for you.
But no matter how much nonsense I say now doesn't mean a thing because my desires till today are still suppressed by my rationality. I cannot imagine one day God telling me that I have done well in controlling my desires. Really, I would say, then do You know much I've been through to control them?
This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that he promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that? - Shelter in the time of storm
Is that so...?
中文 |
English 昨天參加了NUSSU Bash和Brendan的生日派對。我在7點在聖占姆士發電廠與其他龍舟團員會和支持俊威。過了大概半個鐘頭，我們便前往Brendan的派對。在派對上，我遇到了Joshua和Simon，感到蠻驚訝的。原來Simon是Brendan的干弟弟，Joshua是同校同學。世界還真小。我們在那裡唱K，待到大約11點。我們剩下的幾個就往發電廠出發。到了那裡已經12點多。我心想可能就可以“瘋狂”的過一晚。沒想到廠外排滿長龍，想進去都難。沒辦法，索性去麥當勞吃夜宵。在那，遇見了俊威。他沒有獲勝，心情不是很好。當時他正和他的朋友一起吃，過了一會兒才陪我們吃。他傾訴：自己幾個星期壓力很大，爲了減肥挨餓，爲了表演花了不少錢。當天表演，沒有很多人到場支持。我們也不在場，感到不好意思。他當時稍有醉意，聽他掏心感到蠻傷感的。
很不巧，這是我大概第三次嘗試去夜店了。全部三次都沒有所謂的“瘋狂”的過一夜。有一次，朋友放飛機，夜店沒人。心想是上帝在告訴我夜店不適合我嗎？其實蠻可笑的。看來我和夜店沒有什麼緣分。我失望地回家。睡覺準備今天的獻詩。
感謝神我今天起來雖然喉嚨不是很舒服，獻詩還是蠻順利。我得到很多人的稱讚，感到安慰。希望他們有吸收到獻詩的涵義。
“我怎麼會不配當祢的兒女，祢赦免了我的罪孽，
祢使我得見慈愛和憐憫，祢全心聽我的聲音”
“主祢向我仰臉，安慰和幫助，祢平安充滿我的心，
主祢保護我，保護我性命，至高者，祢堅立我心”
Chinese to English.
Attended the NUSSU Bash and Brendan's birthday party yesterday. I was at St. James waiting for the rest of the dragon boat team at 7 pm, planning to support Jun Wei. After about half an hour, we headed to Brendan's party. Surprisingly, I met Joshua and Simon there. Turned out that Simon was Brendan's god-brother, and Joshua was Brendan's schoolmate. What a small world it is. We sang karaoke there till about 11 pm. A few of us then headed to St. James. By that time, it was already 12 am-plus. I thought I was going to have a crazy night. But to my disappointment, the queue was horribly long. We then went to McDonalds for supper. Met Jun Wei there. He didn't win the pageant and naturally wasn't in a good mood. He was with his friends, and joined us after a while. He lamented that he was under immense stress the past few weeks, due to dieting (for loosing weight), and for the expense made for the performance. There weren't many supporters during the actual performance and we weren't there either. We felt quite bad for it. He was a little tipsy then, and listening him to pour his heart made me rather sad as well.
Unfortunately for me, it is my third time to the club. All three times I didn't have a good time. On one occasion, we were stood up, and there wasn't anyone in the club. Is God trying to tell me not go club? It's quite amusing actually. Seems like I have no affinity with clubs. I went home disappointed. Slept, preparing for today's anthem.
Thank God I was able to present the anthem well even though my throat wasn't very good. I was comforted by the many praises I got. I hope they were able to understand the deeper meaning in the lyrics of the song.
“我怎麼會不配當祢的兒女，祢赦免了我的罪孽，
祢使我得見慈愛和憐憫，祢全心聽我的聲音”
“主祢向我仰臉，安慰和幫助，祢平安充滿我的心，
主祢保護我，保護我性命，至高者，祢堅立我心”
"How am I not fit to be Your child? You forgave all my iniquities.
You let me experience unfailing love and mercy. You listen wholly to my voice."
"Lord, You turn to me, giving me comfort and assistance. Your peace fills my heart.
Lord, You protect me and guard my life. Most High, You establish my heart."
中文 |
English
我爸突然跟我說一大堆關於我家汽車保險的內容。說什麼我因為駕車經驗未滿3年所以賠償金就比他來得少，自掏腰包的比例比較高。我心想他為何無緣無故說這些。他最後補上了一句“You can drive but can you manage the consequence?”（你可以駕車但你能夠承擔後果嗎？）
我聽了恍然大悟，他是針對我在前幾天向他借車的事作回應。當天，是想跟幾位朋友去吃夜宵，心想有車比較方便，省搭計程車。回家，問他一句，他就大眼瞪小眼，說幾點了。要做什麽？去哪裡？我回答了，他就繼續瞪，瞪完了就繼續看電視。沒說“不可以”。我就心冷，話不多說，就立刻出門了。沒說拜，沒說幾點回。
我當時有種欲哭的感覺，但告訴自己算了，他每次都這樣，我自己也應該知道，習慣了。我這是何必呢？反正從小到大，我即使很少向他要求事，他九成說不。不想再問他了。
他說保險的事才昨天，我心裡沒有想什麽。但今天一早起來，聽見他在我房間咳嗽，又氣起來。我聽過朋友解釋我爸不讓我駕車的原因或許是怕我在領取駕駛執照的考察期一年犯規，導致執照吊銷。我當時半信半疑，但現在很明顯：沒這回事。他擔心的是保險的問題，我發生車禍的賠償金。真的很可笑。我考到駕駛執照以來，他從來都沒有讓我在他同意下駕車，除了接載他去機場的兩次。即使那兩次也是他駕車去，我駕車回。他從未看過我駕車。他那時又沒有講什麽保險，這下子我想借車就給我這種理由，你不覺得很可笑嗎？很莫名其妙嗎？難道說我在我考到駕駛執照3年後，技術會自動變好，出車禍的幾率會因為我這3年沒有駕車而減少？難道說我考到駕駛執照3年後，你會讓我駕車？我在妄想。我還記得你清清楚楚地說過“You want to drive? Get your own car.”。（你要駕車，自己買車。）
Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.
說起咳嗽的事，我不是氣我爸在我房間里咳嗽。而是無法忍受他每天在我房間，對我視而不見的態度。自從中學，他每天就在我的房間里工作，用他的手提電腦。大多數都用到凌晨1點多。我晚上燈開著我無法入眠，我不需要一片漆黑，但至少燈不要照著我。另外他時不時就在進行視訊會議，或大聲播放音樂，好像我不在房間一樣。隔天早上7點多，他又進來我房間繼續工作，繼續的吵。每晚給他這樣吵，我索性不睡，等到他做完事，我才去睡。他雖然常常出國，但每次回來這件事又重演。另外可笑的事來了。他嫌我每天太晚睡。哈哈哈。拜託，我是托誰的福。我早就習慣遲睡了。我不想跟他吵，這近10年什麽都沒說。但心想，他爲什麽要在我的房間里工作？客廳沒有桌子嗎？怕收不到網絡信號——可是我在這裡用了幾個月，沒有發現什麽問題。沒有理由啊？他吃飽沒事來吵我，還是他根本不知道他在打擾他人。我看是後者。又可笑，又讓我心寒。我想不通為何他可以長期以來不會覺得他吵到了我。我以前會嘗試搭起板子擋住燈光但行不通，也嘗試在床上大聲翻來覆去，他都視若無睹。可悲啊。現在，我懶得理他。我索性不在房裡，不在家裡。但是自己也無法找朋友在外頭流蕩。很累。
他每次在家，不是嫌這個，就是嫌那個。搞得我根本都不想留在家中聽他念。他在家就是我被講。我何必在家忍。可是，我有時真的沒有人陪出去。我很不喜歡獨自的感覺，我不能夠就一個人在外頭流蕩。我怕我會憂鬱起來。我或許該找個伴，但我找的到嗎？找誰？
Chinese -> English.
My dad suddenly tells me about the content of the car insurance that he bought. Saying that my driving experience is less than 3 years, therefore the compensation received would be lesser that what he gets. I was thinking why he would tell me such things for. But when he ended off with "You can drive but can you manage the consequence?".
Sudden epiphany. I realise that he was refering to an incident few days back - where I asked to borrow the car. That night, I wanted to eat supper with a few friends, thinking that it would be convenient to have the car. I could save on the cab fare as well. When I reached home, asked him, he stared at me and asked "What time already?" "Do what?" "Where are you going?" I answered him and he continued to stare. After that, he continue to watch television. He never said "No". Disappointed, I left the house immediately. Never said "bye" nor what time I would be back.
At that moment, I was on the verge of tearing. But I told myself, "Forget it". He's always been like that, I should have known, I should have gotten used to it. Why bother? I mean, since I was young, even though I hardly ask things from him, he would almost always say no. Don't want to ask any more.
When he told me about the insurance that day, I didn't thought much of it. But this morning when I woke up, I heard him coughing in my room, I got angry. My friends have sort of try to explain why my dad wouldn't let me drive. They said that he was worried I would get my licence revoked if I broke the rules in my probation year. I didn't totally believe them, but now it's clear: It wasn't the case. He was worried about the insurance that he had to pay should I get into an accident. How ridiculous is that? From the day I got my licence till now, he has NEVER let me drive under his consent, other than the two times I sent him to the airport. Even then, it was him driving there, I drive the car back. He has never seen me drive before. Why didn't he mention about insurance then? But now tell me such a reason why I want to borrow the car? What rubbish is that? Totally illogical. You mean to say that after I have 3 years of "driving experience", you would let me drive? I must be crazy. I still remember you clearly telling me "You want to drive? Get your own car".
Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.
About the cough - I am not angry that my dad was coughing in my room. But rather how oblivious he is to my presence in the room. Since I was in secondary school, he would work every day in my room with his laptop. Usually till 1 am. I cannot sleep when the lights are on, I do not need total darkness, but at least not the light shining into my face. Once in a while he will have his video conferencing, and his music enjoying sessions, as if I am not in the room at all. The next day around 7 am, he will come into my room again and do the same old thing. My resolution: to not sleep until he's done. Although he travels overseas often, but everytime he's in town, the same old story repeats. Guess what - he complains that I sleep too late. HAHAHA. Thanks to who? I am long used to sleeping late. Not wanting to quarrel with him, I have been putting up with this for almost a decade. I think to myself - why must he work in my room? Isn't there a table in the living room? Unable to receive wireless? - But I have been using it for months here and haven't found any problems. What's the reason exactly? Does he have nothing else better to do than to disturb me, or he is just oblivious to the fact he is disturbing others. I think it's the latter. It's just sad. I cannot understand how all this while, he never once thought that he was disturbing me. To think that in the past I would set up boards in attempt to block the light, or toss and turn on the bed as loudly as I can, but to no avail. He doesn't notice / care - it's just sick. Now, I can't be bothered with him. I don't stay in the room, not even at home. But I can't just stay out alone. Despair.
When he's at home, he nags at this and that. So much so that I don't even want to stay at home. Once he's home, I get scolded. Why should I put up with it? But sometimes, I just don't have anyone to accompany me. I don't like to be alone, I can't stroll the streets with just me. I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I think I should find a partner, but will I? Who can I find?
中文 |
English
我好像很久很久沒有沒有發表文章了。可能這一個半年懂得如何壓抑吧？也不知道怎麼度過，大概是靠主恩和受他人的禱告托住吧。越來越覺得自己生活很乏味，自己性格無趣，而或許因此導致自己沒有交往的對象。好不容易有時間在假期可以作自己想作的事，但赫然發現我沒事做。你會意外嗎？我想了老半天，度過了幾天，還是愣愣地呆在家裡，無所事事。
我好像除了教會里的朋友之外，跟其他人沒有什麼交情。想出去走走，正好教會朋友不是出國，就是工作、服兵役，也不知道找誰好。其他朋友，不知道怎麼開口，怕麻煩人家。有時候真的很想很瘋狂地過我的人生，放膽地去玩一場，但話說回來，跟誰？誰會陪我？雖說我不喜歡去夜店，但心想可能那種生活或許能滿足自己的虛榮心。至少不會覺得自己生活那麼乏味。很快學校要開課了，我在這整個假期里，好像並沒有成就什麼。
發現自己是一個很怕寂寞的人，很怕無聊的人。希望我能夠找到紓解壓力，放鬆心情的方法，填滿我空虛的心靈。不然我真的快瘋了……
Chinese to English.
Seems like I haven't posted in my blog for a long long time. Maybe I found a way to suppress my feelings these 1.5 years? I don't even know how I manage to hang in all this while, probably by the grace of God and through the supplication of others. I think I really have no life, and I'm not the very "happening" sort. Maybe that's why I haven't found my life partner yet. Finally found some time in this holidays to do what I want, but shockingly realise I don't know what to do at all. Are you surprised? Just lazing through the past few days, thinking hard what to do, but nothing. Zilch.
I don't really have many close friends outside of church. Wanted to go out for a walk, but my church friends were either overseas, working, or in NS. As for my other friends, I don't know how to ask them, in fear of troubling them. Sometimes I just feel like living a frivolous sort of life, to just play and enjoy as much as I can. But then again, with who? Can't do that alone. I don't like clubbing per se, but sometimes I wonder if that kind of lifestyle would be enough to fulfil my vanity and superficiality. At least I won't be so "no-life". Schools about to start, yet in this whole holidays, I haven't accomplished much.
I hate to be lonesome, hate to have nothing to do. I really hope I can find some way to release stress and relax; to fill up my empty soul. Otherwise, I think I'll go crazy...