"Things You Do Not Know"
How many times must butterflies blink before they can fly?
How many of the stars that litter the skies remain?
Why do I soar high in the sky, but you fall straight to the ground?
You're so near - I hear your breath - yet regretfully
Why did I not hold you close to me?
You don't know the reason I left you.
I insisted on not telling you, leaving you to cry,
as your tears plummet the ground like a heavy rain,
resounding loudly in my heart.
You don't know the reason I hardened my heart,
choosing to circle high above your field of vision.
So many
Are the things you do not know.
Chinese to English.
It's times like this I'd rather my phone be spoilt. I must have read it wrongly. Once again, I've been stood up again. Your casual apology stands in stark contrast to my simple-mindedness and my retardedness. What am I to say? I might as well just admit to my stupidity. Because of you, I do childish things. I give up, how long is this going to last? Just be fair to me, will you? You'd never know much much I take to heart your words and my promises to you.
Chinese to English.
It hasn't been a good week. Been rushing my homework, assignments and projects. Busy and feeling tired all the time. With dragon boat training along side, I can hardly breathe. But thank God, I made it. However, this week isn't going to be any better. I still have much work to do. More nights to burn.
When I can't take this pain any more, is there anyone supporting me in person or even in spirit? Maybe no one knows, maybe it's because I don't know how to express this pain or hurt I have. Maybe it's because I don't know how to confide in others. I guess the problem is me -- I'm the one who is thinking too much, I'm the one who cannot accept the facts, I'm the one who don't know how to find others, I'm the one who shouldn't have.
This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that he promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that? - Shelter in the time of storm
Chinese to English.
Probably due to the effects of the drug, even though I wanted to sleep the fever off on Sunday night, I couldn't. I shouldn't have taken Panadol Extra, which had caffeine. I was tossing and turning in bed, yet drowsy at the same time. My fever persisted, so I got myself a bucket of ice water, dipped a towel in and placed it on my forehead. After changing the towel a few times, I realise I couldn't do this all night. So I left my house alone at 3 am to buy some normal Panadol and cooling pads. Esso did not sell the cooling pads; no choice but to go to the 7-11 at Blk 19 to get some. Ate the medicine when I reached home, put on the cooling pad and tried to sleep. Pathetic eh?
I didn't sleep well the whole night. The effects of caffeine kept me awake and pensive. Emotions started to well up. The person that I have been thinking of all these months is not going to be thinking of me now, neither will that person have anything for me, because it will never happen.
是我想太多（我也這樣說）
但你（有）沒有真的心疼我
(I know too that) I think too much
But (has) your heart ever ached for me
Is there anyone right now whose heart is aching for me, or missing me, or worrying for me? I guess not. Are you? I don't think so either. No matter how I express myself, I can't get pass myself, neither will you ever reciprocate. So what am I waiting for? What is it that I am troubled about? Why the hell am I not able to accept it? I really don't know what lies ahead of me, I just know I'm afraid to be alone. And I hate being alone.
I am almost 23 already and it's only now that I finally get it in my head that I'm no longer young. But I haven't grown up - I haven't planned for my future. When my dad was 25, he got married, got a job, had a plan in life. Whereas for me, I don't even have a partner. Who will that person be? I don't know; I'm lost.
Do you know how scary it is to live under suppression? And probably also because I can be independent now, I start to realise why I want to go clubbing so much nowadays, why I want to indulge in myself nowadays, why I just want to let my hair down nowadays. I think I should be happy that I am going exchange this year end with a friend, else I really don't know what stupid things I will do out there. I may very well make that one mistake that I will regret for life. That, is suppression for you.
But no matter how much nonsense I say now doesn't mean a thing because my desires till today are still suppressed by my rationality. I cannot imagine one day God telling me that I have done well in controlling my desires. Really, I would say, then do You know much I've been through to control them?
This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that he promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that? - Shelter in the time of storm
Chinese to English.
Attended the NUSSU Bash and Brendan's birthday party yesterday. I was at St. James waiting for the rest of the dragon boat team at 7 pm, planning to support Jun Wei. After about half an hour, we headed to Brendan's party. Surprisingly, I met Joshua and Simon there. Turned out that Simon was Brendan's god-brother, and Joshua was Brendan's schoolmate. What a small world it is. We sang karaoke there till about 11 pm. A few of us then headed to St. James. By that time, it was already 12 am-plus. I thought I was going to have a crazy night. But to my disappointment, the queue was horribly long. We then went to McDonalds for supper. Met Jun Wei there. He didn't win the pageant and naturally wasn't in a good mood. He was with his friends, and joined us after a while. He lamented that he was under immense stress the past few weeks, due to dieting (for loosing weight), and for the expense made for the performance. There weren't many supporters during the actual performance and we weren't there either. We felt quite bad for it. He was a little tipsy then, and listening him to pour his heart made me rather sad as well.
Unfortunately for me, it is my third time to the club. All three times I didn't have a good time. On one occasion, we were stood up, and there wasn't anyone in the club. Is God trying to tell me not go club? It's quite amusing actually. Seems like I have no affinity with clubs. I went home disappointed. Slept, preparing for today's anthem.
Thank God I was able to present the anthem well even though my throat wasn't very good. I was comforted by the many praises I got. I hope they were able to understand the deeper meaning in the lyrics of the song.
“我怎麼會不配當祢的兒女，祢赦免了我的罪孽，
祢使我得見慈愛和憐憫，祢全心聽我的聲音”
“主祢向我仰臉，安慰和幫助，祢平安充滿我的心，
主祢保護我，保護我性命，至高者，祢堅立我心”
"How am I not fit to be Your child? You forgave all my iniquities.
You let me experience unfailing love and mercy. You listen wholly to my voice."
"Lord, You turn to me, giving me comfort and assistance. Your peace fills my heart.
Lord, You protect me and guard my life. Most High, You establish my heart."
他說保險的事才昨天，我心裡沒有想什麽。但今天一早起來，聽見他在我房間咳嗽，又氣起來。我聽過朋友解釋我爸不讓我駕車的原因或許是怕我在領取駕駛執照的考察期一年犯規，導致執照吊銷。我當時半信半疑，但現在很明顯：沒這回事。他擔心的是保險的問題，我發生車禍的賠償金。真的很可笑。我考到駕駛執照以來，他從來都沒有讓我在他同意下駕車，除了接載他去機場的兩次。即使那兩次也是他駕車去，我駕車回。他從未看過我駕車。他那時又沒有講什麽保險，這下子我想借車就給我這種理由，你不覺得很可笑嗎？很莫名其妙嗎？難道說我在我考到駕駛執照3年後，技術會自動變好，出車禍的幾率會因為我這3年沒有駕車而減少？難道說我考到駕駛執照3年後，你會讓我駕車？我在妄想。我還記得你清清楚楚地說過“You want to drive? Get your own car.”。（你要駕車，自己買車。）
Chinese -> English.
My dad suddenly tells me about the content of the car insurance that he bought. Saying that my driving experience is less than 3 years, therefore the compensation received would be lesser that what he gets. I was thinking why he would tell me such things for. But when he ended off with "You can drive but can you manage the consequence?".
Sudden epiphany. I realise that he was refering to an incident few days back - where I asked to borrow the car. That night, I wanted to eat supper with a few friends, thinking that it would be convenient to have the car. I could save on the cab fare as well. When I reached home, asked him, he stared at me and asked "What time already?" "Do what?" "Where are you going?" I answered him and he continued to stare. After that, he continue to watch television. He never said "No". Disappointed, I left the house immediately. Never said "bye" nor what time I would be back.
At that moment, I was on the verge of tearing. But I told myself, "Forget it". He's always been like that, I should have known, I should have gotten used to it. Why bother? I mean, since I was young, even though I hardly ask things from him, he would almost always say no. Don't want to ask any more.
When he told me about the insurance that day, I didn't thought much of it. But this morning when I woke up, I heard him coughing in my room, I got angry. My friends have sort of try to explain why my dad wouldn't let me drive. They said that he was worried I would get my licence revoked if I broke the rules in my probation year. I didn't totally believe them, but now it's clear: It wasn't the case. He was worried about the insurance that he had to pay should I get into an accident. How ridiculous is that? From the day I got my licence till now, he has NEVER let me drive under his consent, other than the two times I sent him to the airport. Even then, it was him driving there, I drive the car back. He has never seen me drive before. Why didn't he mention about insurance then? But now tell me such a reason why I want to borrow the car? What rubbish is that? Totally illogical. You mean to say that after I have 3 years of "driving experience", you would let me drive? I must be crazy. I still remember you clearly telling me "You want to drive? Get your own car".
Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.
About the cough - I am not angry that my dad was coughing in my room. But rather how oblivious he is to my presence in the room. Since I was in secondary school, he would work every day in my room with his laptop. Usually till 1 am. I cannot sleep when the lights are on, I do not need total darkness, but at least not the light shining into my face. Once in a while he will have his video conferencing, and his music enjoying sessions, as if I am not in the room at all. The next day around 7 am, he will come into my room again and do the same old thing. My resolution: to not sleep until he's done. Although he travels overseas often, but everytime he's in town, the same old story repeats. Guess what - he complains that I sleep too late. HAHAHA. Thanks to who? I am long used to sleeping late. Not wanting to quarrel with him, I have been putting up with this for almost a decade. I think to myself - why must he work in my room? Isn't there a table in the living room? Unable to receive wireless? - But I have been using it for months here and haven't found any problems. What's the reason exactly? Does he have nothing else better to do than to disturb me, or he is just oblivious to the fact he is disturbing others. I think it's the latter. It's just sad. I cannot understand how all this while, he never once thought that he was disturbing me. To think that in the past I would set up boards in attempt to block the light, or toss and turn on the bed as loudly as I can, but to no avail. He doesn't notice / care - it's just sick. Now, I can't be bothered with him. I don't stay in the room, not even at home. But I can't just stay out alone. Despair.
When he's at home, he nags at this and that. So much so that I don't even want to stay at home. Once he's home, I get scolded. Why should I put up with it? But sometimes, I just don't have anyone to accompany me. I don't like to be alone, I can't stroll the streets with just me. I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I think I should find a partner, but will I? Who can I find?
Chinese to English.
Seems like I haven't posted in my blog for a long long time. Maybe I found a way to suppress my feelings these 1.5 years? I don't even know how I manage to hang in all this while, probably by the grace of God and through the supplication of others. I think I really have no life, and I'm not the very "happening" sort. Maybe that's why I haven't found my life partner yet. Finally found some time in this holidays to do what I want, but shockingly realise I don't know what to do at all. Are you surprised? Just lazing through the past few days, thinking hard what to do, but nothing. Zilch.
I don't really have many close friends outside of church. Wanted to go out for a walk, but my church friends were either overseas, working, or in NS. As for my other friends, I don't know how to ask them, in fear of troubling them. Sometimes I just feel like living a frivolous sort of life, to just play and enjoy as much as I can. But then again, with who? Can't do that alone. I don't like clubbing per se, but sometimes I wonder if that kind of lifestyle would be enough to fulfil my vanity and superficiality. At least I won't be so "no-life". Schools about to start, yet in this whole holidays, I haven't accomplished much.
I hate to be lonesome, hate to have nothing to do. I really hope I can find some way to release stress and relax; to fill up my empty soul. Otherwise, I think I'll go crazy...