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English
我爸突然跟我說一大堆關於我家汽車保險的內容。說什麼我因為駕車經驗未滿3年所以賠償金就比他來得少，自掏腰包的比例比較高。我心想他為何無緣無故說這些。他最後補上了一句“You can drive but can you manage the consequence?”（你可以駕車但你能夠承擔後果嗎？）
我聽了恍然大悟，他是針對我在前幾天向他借車的事作回應。當天，是想跟幾位朋友去吃夜宵，心想有車比較方便，省搭計程車。回家，問他一句，他就大眼瞪小眼，說幾點了。要做什麽？去哪裡？我回答了，他就繼續瞪，瞪完了就繼續看電視。沒說“不可以”。我就心冷，話不多說，就立刻出門了。沒說拜，沒說幾點回。
我當時有種欲哭的感覺，但告訴自己算了，他每次都這樣，我自己也應該知道，習慣了。我這是何必呢？反正從小到大，我即使很少向他要求事，他九成說不。不想再問他了。
他說保險的事才昨天，我心裡沒有想什麽。但今天一早起來，聽見他在我房間咳嗽，又氣起來。我聽過朋友解釋我爸不讓我駕車的原因或許是怕我在領取駕駛執照的考察期一年犯規，導致執照吊銷。我當時半信半疑，但現在很明顯：沒這回事。他擔心的是保險的問題，我發生車禍的賠償金。真的很可笑。我考到駕駛執照以來，他從來都沒有讓我在他同意下駕車，除了接載他去機場的兩次。即使那兩次也是他駕車去，我駕車回。他從未看過我駕車。他那時又沒有講什麽保險，這下子我想借車就給我這種理由，你不覺得很可笑嗎？很莫名其妙嗎？難道說我在我考到駕駛執照3年後，技術會自動變好，出車禍的幾率會因為我這3年沒有駕車而減少？難道說我考到駕駛執照3年後，你會讓我駕車？我在妄想。我還記得你清清楚楚地說過“You want to drive? Get your own car.”。（你要駕車，自己買車。）
Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.
說起咳嗽的事，我不是氣我爸在我房間里咳嗽。而是無法忍受他每天在我房間，對我視而不見的態度。自從中學，他每天就在我的房間里工作，用他的手提電腦。大多數都用到凌晨1點多。我晚上燈開著我無法入眠，我不需要一片漆黑，但至少燈不要照著我。另外他時不時就在進行視訊會議，或大聲播放音樂，好像我不在房間一樣。隔天早上7點多，他又進來我房間繼續工作，繼續的吵。每晚給他這樣吵，我索性不睡，等到他做完事，我才去睡。他雖然常常出國，但每次回來這件事又重演。另外可笑的事來了。他嫌我每天太晚睡。哈哈哈。拜託，我是托誰的福。我早就習慣遲睡了。我不想跟他吵，這近10年什麽都沒說。但心想，他爲什麽要在我的房間里工作？客廳沒有桌子嗎？怕收不到網絡信號——可是我在這裡用了幾個月，沒有發現什麽問題。沒有理由啊？他吃飽沒事來吵我，還是他根本不知道他在打擾他人。我看是後者。又可笑，又讓我心寒。我想不通為何他可以長期以來不會覺得他吵到了我。我以前會嘗試搭起板子擋住燈光但行不通，也嘗試在床上大聲翻來覆去，他都視若無睹。可悲啊。現在，我懶得理他。我索性不在房裡，不在家裡。但是自己也無法找朋友在外頭流蕩。很累。
他每次在家，不是嫌這個，就是嫌那個。搞得我根本都不想留在家中聽他念。他在家就是我被講。我何必在家忍。可是，我有時真的沒有人陪出去。我很不喜歡獨自的感覺，我不能夠就一個人在外頭流蕩。我怕我會憂鬱起來。我或許該找個伴，但我找的到嗎？找誰？
Chinese -> English.
My dad suddenly tells me about the content of the car insurance that he bought. Saying that my driving experience is less than 3 years, therefore the compensation received would be lesser that what he gets. I was thinking why he would tell me such things for. But when he ended off with "You can drive but can you manage the consequence?".
Sudden epiphany. I realise that he was refering to an incident few days back - where I asked to borrow the car. That night, I wanted to eat supper with a few friends, thinking that it would be convenient to have the car. I could save on the cab fare as well. When I reached home, asked him, he stared at me and asked "What time already?" "Do what?" "Where are you going?" I answered him and he continued to stare. After that, he continue to watch television. He never said "No". Disappointed, I left the house immediately. Never said "bye" nor what time I would be back.
At that moment, I was on the verge of tearing. But I told myself, "Forget it". He's always been like that, I should have known, I should have gotten used to it. Why bother? I mean, since I was young, even though I hardly ask things from him, he would almost always say no. Don't want to ask any more.
When he told me about the insurance that day, I didn't thought much of it. But this morning when I woke up, I heard him coughing in my room, I got angry. My friends have sort of try to explain why my dad wouldn't let me drive. They said that he was worried I would get my licence revoked if I broke the rules in my probation year. I didn't totally believe them, but now it's clear: It wasn't the case. He was worried about the insurance that he had to pay should I get into an accident. How ridiculous is that? From the day I got my licence till now, he has NEVER let me drive under his consent, other than the two times I sent him to the airport. Even then, it was him driving there, I drive the car back. He has never seen me drive before. Why didn't he mention about insurance then? But now tell me such a reason why I want to borrow the car? What rubbish is that? Totally illogical. You mean to say that after I have 3 years of "driving experience", you would let me drive? I must be crazy. I still remember you clearly telling me "You want to drive? Get your own car".
Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.
About the cough - I am not angry that my dad was coughing in my room. But rather how oblivious he is to my presence in the room. Since I was in secondary school, he would work every day in my room with his laptop. Usually till 1 am. I cannot sleep when the lights are on, I do not need total darkness, but at least not the light shining into my face. Once in a while he will have his video conferencing, and his music enjoying sessions, as if I am not in the room at all. The next day around 7 am, he will come into my room again and do the same old thing. My resolution: to not sleep until he's done. Although he travels overseas often, but everytime he's in town, the same old story repeats. Guess what - he complains that I sleep too late. HAHAHA. Thanks to who? I am long used to sleeping late. Not wanting to quarrel with him, I have been putting up with this for almost a decade. I think to myself - why must he work in my room? Isn't there a table in the living room? Unable to receive wireless? - But I have been using it for months here and haven't found any problems. What's the reason exactly? Does he have nothing else better to do than to disturb me, or he is just oblivious to the fact he is disturbing others. I think it's the latter. It's just sad. I cannot understand how all this while, he never once thought that he was disturbing me. To think that in the past I would set up boards in attempt to block the light, or toss and turn on the bed as loudly as I can, but to no avail. He doesn't notice / care - it's just sick. Now, I can't be bothered with him. I don't stay in the room, not even at home. But I can't just stay out alone. Despair.
When he's at home, he nags at this and that. So much so that I don't even want to stay at home. Once he's home, I get scolded. Why should I put up with it? But sometimes, I just don't have anyone to accompany me. I don't like to be alone, I can't stroll the streets with just me. I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I think I should find a partner, but will I? Who can I find?
中文 |
English
我好像很久很久沒有沒有發表文章了。可能這一個半年懂得如何壓抑吧？也不知道怎麼度過，大概是靠主恩和受他人的禱告托住吧。越來越覺得自己生活很乏味，自己性格無趣，而或許因此導致自己沒有交往的對象。好不容易有時間在假期可以作自己想作的事，但赫然發現我沒事做。你會意外嗎？我想了老半天，度過了幾天，還是愣愣地呆在家裡，無所事事。
我好像除了教會里的朋友之外，跟其他人沒有什麼交情。想出去走走，正好教會朋友不是出國，就是工作、服兵役，也不知道找誰好。其他朋友，不知道怎麼開口，怕麻煩人家。有時候真的很想很瘋狂地過我的人生，放膽地去玩一場，但話說回來，跟誰？誰會陪我？雖說我不喜歡去夜店，但心想可能那種生活或許能滿足自己的虛榮心。至少不會覺得自己生活那麼乏味。很快學校要開課了，我在這整個假期里，好像並沒有成就什麼。
發現自己是一個很怕寂寞的人，很怕無聊的人。希望我能夠找到紓解壓力，放鬆心情的方法，填滿我空虛的心靈。不然我真的快瘋了……
Chinese to English.
Seems like I haven't posted in my blog for a long long time. Maybe I found a way to suppress my feelings these 1.5 years? I don't even know how I manage to hang in all this while, probably by the grace of God and through the supplication of others. I think I really have no life, and I'm not the very "happening" sort. Maybe that's why I haven't found my life partner yet. Finally found some time in this holidays to do what I want, but shockingly realise I don't know what to do at all. Are you surprised? Just lazing through the past few days, thinking hard what to do, but nothing. Zilch.
I don't really have many close friends outside of church. Wanted to go out for a walk, but my church friends were either overseas, working, or in NS. As for my other friends, I don't know how to ask them, in fear of troubling them. Sometimes I just feel like living a frivolous sort of life, to just play and enjoy as much as I can. But then again, with who? Can't do that alone. I don't like clubbing per se, but sometimes I wonder if that kind of lifestyle would be enough to fulfil my vanity and superficiality. At least I won't be so "no-life". Schools about to start, yet in this whole holidays, I haven't accomplished much.
I hate to be lonesome, hate to have nothing to do. I really hope I can find some way to release stress and relax; to fill up my empty soul. Otherwise, I think I'll go crazy...