January is about to end. I received news that I will have my PS course in February, 18 to be exact. Not exactly exciting news. This month was full of outfields which were wearing me out mentally and physically.
Last week was conventional training. Conclusion of that training - I don't like outfield. I did not do my best, but just the bare minimum. I got my first experience of footrot which brought my level of enthusiasm from little to zero. At that point of time, I just wanted to fall out, cause my foot hurt quite badly. I see wj doing a lot for his section, while I was just laid back.
This week was UO. Although many consider it a better alternative to conventional outfield, it was equally bad. It wasn't so much of the duration, but the intensity and the mental stress. So much so that I broke down in tears after one of the attacks. Obviously not in front of my men, but somewhere else. It was just chaos. I got PS and Frankie shouting at my men and me in anger throughout the attack, I need to lead my men to clear rooms, and I need to do collate sitrep after the whole attack cause my PS was down. All the other sect comds were down. Nas died at breaching, wj died at some grenade "rain". My section 2IC died in some freak malfunction of the weapon. Half the platoon was wiped out. My PC was as blur as me, and couldn't do anything to help the situation. All I had were 1 men from HQ, 1 from my section, 2 from section two. By the time I reached the last storey, I got so confused I thought there was a fifth floor above to clear. I felt embarrassed when I told my PS that I was preparing to go the next floor in front of others.
After everything, my "dead" PS then tell me that 1 enemy managed to escape cause the men didn't clear all the rooms, thus the mission was considered a null. That 1 enemy, in theory, wiped out the rest of the remaining 10 people who were alive, from our rear. I had a large group of spectators looking at me all the while. My OC, OC Alpha, 2 Alpha PCs, CSM Alpha, Frankie, my dead "PS" all overlooking the progress of the fight. How nice to realise that the mission failed because of one enemy overlooked. It was total devastation for me. Until now, I can't remember what exactly happened on the 3rd and 4th storey. During recovery, I was still in some sort of shock. I had no appetite to eat lunch although it was already 2.15pm. I just said I was going to the toilet and went away. I cannot describe the amount of stress I felt during that 2 hours of UO.
For some reason, my PS sensed something wrong and came looking for me. I couldn't hold back my tears and just started weeping in front of him. He blamed himself for shouting too much and being overboard. I just kept telling him it's not him but my own failure. I was disappointed in myself. My disappointment in being unable to compose myself throughout the fight. My disappointment in being unable to account for the number of people alive properly after the attack. How I wanted to tell him I should have let myself be killed early in the attack and be dead together with the other sect comds when I had the chance to. I wouldn't then need to face so much rubbish. He suggested to me to forgo the next attack but I told him I couldn't. If I did so, what would happen to my section? Sadly, I had to go on with the day whether I liked it or not. It struck me deeply that a section commander cannot show his true emotions in front of his men, because the men look up to the sect comd for encouragement and direction to fight a battle. If the sect comd shows himself to be
lembek, the men would be uninterested to fight. If the sect comd is blur in the battle, the men would not have a direction. It's not easy to become a section commander.
Next week, I have another outfield again. Conventional.
I have no idea what to expect.
After Chinese New Year, my PS course would start.
I hope I can sustain.