Firstly, sorry for the late blog update. Secondly, if anyone finds me a bit cranky, suddenly "high", suddenly very out-of-point, doing wierd stuff like laughing all of a sudden, sending wierd sms-es these few days.... i apologize.
I think it would suffice for me to say that the past 2 to 3 weeks has been a very emotional time. I have to deal with my past which I believe is something that has never ever happened to most of you. I am not saying that my past is the most dramatic of all but at least I can tell that for the vast majority of the people I know, they have not experienced these. I have decided to put down my past, in the process and trying to put down my past. I don't know if I am actually able to do it, but I know He will help me. I am putting my faith in God now. I have no other choice better.
Through these times, I realise that honesty is very important. If one decides to continuously lie, or hide truth, it is really very tiring.
很辛苦。It is not as if I have to announce to the whole world my past, but hiding it from others, dealing it all alone, is very painful. Thankfully, by God's grace, I am able to deal with it now.
I have been a very self-consciencious person.
自卑... I constantly find myelf needing of assurance from people. Maybe that's the reason why I find myself studying hard, so that at least people can praise me for my results. But to me, it's not enough. To the people who were playing basketball on thursday, I'm sorry for my reluctance to play. The reason most probably is my inferiority acting up, I see people like ph, jam, momo, bc, john, playing so well in sports, something i suck in, i feel discouraged... My physical status is not of very fit sort, I may be healthy, but not very fit. At least I can say, I have quite slow reflexes. Always get laughed at for that in sec sch. All the while, from upper pri to sec, i have been quite fat, never gotten the will to loose weight, hardly ever exercise. At that time, find it very pointless, why sweat so much. Now I realise, it can be actually be quite satisfying to sweat it out. A person's physique can be someone's pride. But, don't think I have the time to pick up a sport now. I can't do sports. I will try if I can
ba.
I find it really quite funny, I went to the extent of buying a bottle of wax, to make myself look better, feel better. In the end, I don't know how to use it. You can laugh at me for that, I understand. It's quite stupid actually. I never actually bothered how I look in the morning. From pri to sec, i think i only styled my hair like for the most about 14 days or so (for fun anyway). Go around asking people how to use it, the guys just say, as you like
lor, but what do I like? It seems like everytime I style my hair, people say its ugly, unless I plainly spike it when my hair is short. When i wear particular clothes, some people tell me its nice, some people tell me its ugly, i look like ah peh. I get confused. You may say I should wear what I am comfortable with. But, I am very affected by the comments, how people look at me. I'm too self-consciencious to be comfortable. I know I have to find myself, be comfortable with myself. But, it's still easier to talk.
If anyone actually realised, I have lost quite a bit of weight within these few weeks, about 2 to 3 kg, something that is quite drastic for me. I'm quite happy though, I'm losing weight. Regardless how much you may agree or disagree, I think I'm fat. Not in absolute terms but fatter than what I hope I am. Weaker than what I hope I am.
I don't know if I expect too much of myself. I am really stressed. I am starting to break after the commencing of the s paper trainings. I cannot even keep up with my studies, be it lecture or tutorials, moreover s paper. I've come to realisation, in my horror, i have an equivalent of 6 A-subjects. Honestly speaking, my grades have deproved, if there's such a word, since last year. I am very disappointed with that. My parents haven't said anything, I don't know why. I sleep late, wake up late, go to sch late. Mdm Lee yelling at me for stupid reasons. Quite screwed up. I don't know if I should drop any subjects, but people keep telling me I can do it. Others tell me,
不要不自量力。 So what's the conclusion, "I write a letter to cambridge telling them I cannot do A lvls because I am uncertain? Obviously not!" - Mdm Lee. Haha.. On a serious note, I don't know
lah.
我很羡慕，很羡慕我周围人的生活。甚至嫉妒，嫉妒他们的成就。我知道我不应该。但我很懊恼。我痛恨我过去。我要一个完美的生活，但那是不可能的。即使要完美的未来，要争取的话，我一定得付出代价。我付得起吗？我不知道。我很矛盾。还是那句话：现在我对我人生中的每个决定都没有把握，不知道哪一次又是一个惨痛的经验。我不知如何走下去，我不敢。That is
hum.