Firstly, sorry for the late blog update. Secondly, if anyone finds me a bit cranky, suddenly "high", suddenly very out-of-point, doing wierd stuff like laughing all of a sudden, sending wierd sms-es these few days.... i apologize.
I think it would suffice for me to say that the past 2 to 3 weeks has been a very emotional time. I have to deal with my past which I believe is something that has never ever happened to most of you. I am not saying that my past is the most dramatic of all but at least I can tell that for the vast majority of the people I know, they have not experienced these. I have decided to put down my past, in the process and trying to put down my past. I don't know if I am actually able to do it, but I know He will help me. I am putting my faith in God now. I have no other choice better.
Through these times, I realise that honesty is very important. If one decides to continuously lie, or hide truth, it is really very tiring.
很辛苦。It is not as if I have to announce to the whole world my past, but hiding it from others, dealing it all alone, is very painful. Thankfully, by God's grace, I am able to deal with it now.
I have been a very self-consciencious person.
自卑... I constantly find myelf needing of assurance from people. Maybe that's the reason why I find myself studying hard, so that at least people can praise me for my results. But to me, it's not enough. To the people who were playing basketball on thursday, I'm sorry for my reluctance to play. The reason most probably is my inferiority acting up, I see people like ph, jam, momo, bc, john, playing so well in sports, something i suck in, i feel discouraged... My physical status is not of very fit sort, I may be healthy, but not very fit. At least I can say, I have quite slow reflexes. Always get laughed at for that in sec sch. All the while, from upper pri to sec, i have been quite fat, never gotten the will to loose weight, hardly ever exercise. At that time, find it very pointless, why sweat so much. Now I realise, it can be actually be quite satisfying to sweat it out. A person's physique can be someone's pride. But, don't think I have the time to pick up a sport now. I can't do sports. I will try if I can
ba.
I find it really quite funny, I went to the extent of buying a bottle of wax, to make myself look better, feel better. In the end, I don't know how to use it. You can laugh at me for that, I understand. It's quite stupid actually. I never actually bothered how I look in the morning. From pri to sec, i think i only styled my hair like for the most about 14 days or so (for fun anyway). Go around asking people how to use it, the guys just say, as you like
lor, but what do I like? It seems like everytime I style my hair, people say its ugly, unless I plainly spike it when my hair is short. When i wear particular clothes, some people tell me its nice, some people tell me its ugly, i look like ah peh. I get confused. You may say I should wear what I am comfortable with. But, I am very affected by the comments, how people look at me. I'm too self-consciencious to be comfortable. I know I have to find myself, be comfortable with myself. But, it's still easier to talk.
If anyone actually realised, I have lost quite a bit of weight within these few weeks, about 2 to 3 kg, something that is quite drastic for me. I'm quite happy though, I'm losing weight. Regardless how much you may agree or disagree, I think I'm fat. Not in absolute terms but fatter than what I hope I am. Weaker than what I hope I am.
I don't know if I expect too much of myself. I am really stressed. I am starting to break after the commencing of the s paper trainings. I cannot even keep up with my studies, be it lecture or tutorials, moreover s paper. I've come to realisation, in my horror, i have an equivalent of 6 A-subjects. Honestly speaking, my grades have deproved, if there's such a word, since last year. I am very disappointed with that. My parents haven't said anything, I don't know why. I sleep late, wake up late, go to sch late. Mdm Lee yelling at me for stupid reasons. Quite screwed up. I don't know if I should drop any subjects, but people keep telling me I can do it. Others tell me,
不要不自量力。 So what's the conclusion, "I write a letter to cambridge telling them I cannot do A lvls because I am uncertain? Obviously not!" - Mdm Lee. Haha.. On a serious note, I don't know
lah.
我很羡慕，很羡慕我周围人的生活。甚至嫉妒，嫉妒他们的成就。我知道我不应该。但我很懊恼。我痛恨我过去。我要一个完美的生活，但那是不可能的。即使要完美的未来，要争取的话，我一定得付出代价。我付得起吗？我不知道。我很矛盾。还是那句话：现在我对我人生中的每个决定都没有把握，不知道哪一次又是一个惨痛的经验。我不知如何走下去，我不敢。That is
hum.
for christians who read this blog... have something that i find very encouraging placed under "moment" below... i will update it once in a while...
original text is in chinese... if i have the time, i would translate it...
I found these in my email today... just to share...
There was once this guy who is very much in love with his girl. This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes as a gift to his girl. Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his future didn't seem too bright, they were very happy together.
Until one day, his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told him that she cannot visualize any future for the both of them, so they went their own ways there and then... Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself.
Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends, this guy had set up his own company. You never fail until you stop trying. One rainy day, while this guy was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella in the rain walking to some destination. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize they were his girl's parents.
With a heart in getting back at them, he drove slowly beside the couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan. He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more; he had his own company, car, condo, etc. He made it! What he saw next confused him, the couple was walking towards a cemetery, and so he got out of his car and followed...and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone and he saw his paper cranes right beside her... Her parents saw him. He asked them why this had happened.
They explained, she did not leave for France at all. She was ill with cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday, but she did not want to be his obstacle... therefore she had chosen to leave him. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. She had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings him to her again...he can take some of those back with him... Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever.
The guy just wept...The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside her knowing you can't have her, see her or be with her ever again... hope you understand. Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to you, for you might wake up one morning losing that person who you thought meant nothing to you.
KINDNESS Pays!
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness."
He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, and then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all.
Finally, she looked, and something caught; her attention on the side as she read these words.....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed:
"Thank You, GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."
The general election is coming. I personally find it quite stupid actually. Throughout the whole campaign, i hear nothing but
lift upgrades. Is general election
only about that? It was the same situation the last election in 2001.
无聊透顶...Saints Ascencio is
this friday. I am quite looking forward to it actually. It has been quite a while since I have attended a band performance. Hope that this would not disappoint me. Doubt it would actually. After seeing all the hard work jy, jam, momo, and quek have been putting in, it should be a great performance, yeah? Meanwhile, while preparing for the performance,
加油，可是别加太多，会滑倒... -_- Anyway, what I mean is that you guys beware of overworking yourselves. Rest is still important, and it goes a long way!!! Been there, done that.
Have you ever
get lost in your thought? I think I do,
too often. This morning, I was just sitting at the bus stop. On this rare occation, my eyes were
wide open - staring into blank space. My mind was just full of thoughts. I was half awake when my maid woke me up and I was like running about on a webpage, jumping from hyperlink to hyperlink. ???? What is that? I don't know. Sitting at the bus stop, I just looked around. I see a primary school boy, I start thinking about his future - what he will be when he grow up? How do people like Chee Yang grow up? Did they ever think they will achieve so much nationally? What is he doing now? How do people like him live their lives every day?... ... It just goes on and on, thinking and thinking continuously.
To think that I do that very often, too often it starts to scare me. I don't know when will the day come my mind will
mix up imagination and reality. I don't know when will the day come I will just
drown in my thoughts and never snap back into reality. I don't know when will the day come I will go
mentally unbalanced. What is happening to me? If "a penny for your thoughts" counts, I think I'd been a millionaire.
Personally, I feel that
珊瑚海 has very beautiful lyrics.
珊瑚海-周杰伦Jay 粱心颐Lara
海平面远方开始阴霾
悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上 始终挟带
一抹浅浅的无奈
你用唇语说你要离开（心不在）
那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水 你听明白
不是浪而是泪海
转身离开（你有话说不出来）
分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱
只是一场意外 我们的爱（给的爱）
差异一直存在（回不来）
风中尘埃（等待）竟累计成伤害
转身离开（分手说不出来）
分手说不出来 蔚蓝的珊瑚海
错过瞬间苍白 当初彼此（你我都）
不够成熟坦白（不应该）
热情不再（你的）笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海
毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切 结束太快
你说你无法释怀
贝壳里隐藏什么期待（等花儿开）
我们也已经无心再猜
面向海风 咸咸的爱
尝不出还有未来
"悲伤要怎么平静纯白", "毁坏的沙雕如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖"Isn't it true?
When is misery ever simple? How can you reassemble someone's hard work and sweat? How can you ever cover a hurt, an open wound in love?
"海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外"Seagulls eat fish. That's a fact. How can they ever fall in love? Even if they can, how long will it last? How long can they ignore the social norms they exist in to like each other? Social norms... There I go again in my deep thoughts...