After all the trash last year, its finally a new year... :/.... not actually very happy though... i once mentioned that my fren's blog all negative entries... realise i am no exception... maybe blogs are a way of venting frustration and sadness...
心中的不满... 全部都发泄在文字里... sounds weird but isn't that what people are doing... shouting through written words...
this year's countdown was rather plain... didn't feel any excitement that a new year was approaching... felt more like problems... A levels... feel so restrained... can't do this... can't do that... every day so freaking busy with things that are not even important but i still do them... after settling church camp stuff then had to bother about which church to go to... then have to bother about part-time job... that stupid under-paid job that wasted by 2 weeks for just like $86... i really find myself doing stupid stuff all the time... trying to act happy... trying to act not bothered by all the passing remarks i hear... and the ignoring i get... sick...
prayed for a better year this year... started like shit... for some reason... i can actually feel myself becoming more and more rude... unconsciously... when people do things... my natural reaction is to react immediately and it's always appear rude... what's happening to me...
funny thing... until now... i am still asked by people why i did not join band... i think the fundamental reason is because i had a lot of miseries there... i was a sl who could not command respect from my juniors... i cannot play my trumpet properly... i cannot discipline people... it's horrible... what's best... even after graduating...
好心 go back there visit during camp... i still get shit from them... juniors that think making fun of me was so funny and entertaining... repeating and laughing at the same few jokes for like 1 hour all the way till they sleep... how lame can that be... and to go through that in jc just spoils my 2 years... spare me... i only got 2 years here... and i dun wan to
慢性自杀... but what's the point.... ironically... without band... my life ain't any better... maybe things would have been better if i joined band... maybe not... i dun wan to consider... pointless... just like sunk cost... any present decision will not change anything in the past... what's done's done...
honestly i am getting tired of people thinking i am very smart... i am the guai boy... must have finished all my dec holiday hw... well in fact... i din do any... i din touch hw until like 31 dec...? din finish anyway... went to sch wondering what would happen... well most of the ppl in class did them... i din... mr lee thinks i finished all my physics... sorry to disappoint you man... i've got no mood to study... to do anything in fact... i dun understand anything... 1 fact i finally
亲身体会... mugging only makes knowlege temporary... after the exams.... return to teacher... how nice right... now i trying to figure out... recalling what the teacher is actually toking about... sian...
now i got to bother about g8 theory exam... how fun... exams in march... not familar with the syllabus... no time to have piano lessons... din do hw... see how lor... :/
i realise one thing... appreciation matters... ignoring sux...
feeling very sian... got news that i am going to serve in bookstore ministry for 5 weeks str8... and it was suppose to be a fortnight thing... trying going to expo for church and have service 3 hours later... dressed formal... smiling... be friendly... and then stay until 9pm to do closing...
i feel very crap... until now... my hols hw still not done... dunno how to do... now i got 1 hard disk spoilt... must go replace... before that must recover information... how to recover 20 gb of info... store where...
go to sch... see the band ppl so united... i was suppose to be in there... was... but decided not to... what a joke... i go to a class where a fifth of the people are in band... how nice is that... it's not that i dun wan to join band... i just.. just dun wan to be reminded of the freak year in sec sch... dun wan to go through the stress of being a lousy player... never having a chance to play solo... not that i am capable of playing a solo.. but can u imagine... a band concert... fellow trumpeter who r exco each have a solo... while the sl doesn't... incapable... go bk play alumni also the same... izzen the sl suppose to be the best player... well... i got exco people in my section batch... im not saying that they r not fit... but rather... me... i love music... but i'm just not good at it... grade 8 practical... can't even play any song off-hand... can't even play simple score... what's the use of the certificate anyway... doesn't prove anything...
我不知道我在中学时是否做错了选择... 加入乐队... 我不知道我现在决定不加入乐队是否作对了... 我真的不知道... 坦白讲... 现在我对我人生中的每个决定都没有把握... 不知道哪一次又是一个惨痛的经验...