chi eng不要問我爲什麽突然用中文寫我的blog。。。可能因爲農曆新年到了。。。對於那些不熟悉中文的朋友，就請多多包涵。。。
在這新的一年裡，我的心情和一月一日差不多一樣。。。很閑。。。剛剛看了一部叫 "Butterfly Effect" 的電影。。。看了之後﹐感慨萬千。。。戲裡述說了一個人要改變她心愛的女人的過去﹐有個美好的現在﹐和她在一起。。。在他發現自己能夠改變歷史後。。。便想盡法子糾正她的生命。。。結果弄巧成拙。。。害了她。。。最終唯一能夠確保她安然無恙。。。過著幸福美滿的生活。。。就是在他小時候狠心地和她斷絕關係。。。故事結尾。。。那個人在偶然的情況之下在路上和她擦身而過。。。雖然認得出她。。。但她不知道他是誰。。。
當他一次又一次的想改變歷史。。。總是弄巧成拙。。。這讓我領悟到其實如果我們當初沒有做錯一些東西。。。我們就不會有現在。。。我們必須走過一些挫折﹐一些失敗才能夠有今天。。。如果當時我們沒有這麼作的話。。。相信現在的我們可能會更糟。。。為了得到一些東西我們必須犧牲一些東西。。。要得到好的成蹟我們必須犧牲掉時間。。。他要心愛的女人有好日子過就得和她斷絕來往。。。這是同一個道理。。。
話雖如此﹐但我並沒有因此而得到安慰。。。我還是很後悔我過去的行為。。。過去的選擇。。。
福慶長老的逝世讓我心灰意冷。。。雖然高興他回天家了。。。能終於無懮無慮地安息。。。但我不禁為他家庭擔心。。。我不知道泉湧如何看待這件事。。。他表面好像還好但內心的傷痛有人知道嗎﹖。。。他家境不是很富有。。。雖然短時期還過的去。。。但長期來講。。。沒人能有把握地說他們熬得過。。。
不久。。。又發生另一回事。。。讓我覺得。。。有時我們的倔強。。。我們自己本身。。。是問題的源頭。。。我們無法找出解決方法。。。無法實踐我們的理想。。。就差我們自己的態度。。。自己的懶散。。。自己的驕傲。。。而無法達成願望。。。我反問自己有沒有態度問題﹐有沒有懶散﹐有沒有驕傲。。。沒答案。。。不明確。。。
看到身邊的人一個一個都心情不好﹑鬱悶﹑心煩﹑沮喪﹐我也好不到那裡去。。。可是仔細想想。。。有些朋友還真的不能從表面看出他有心事。。。若是我沒有去讀他的blog。。。我還蒙在鼓裡呢。。。可是呢。。。我就偏偏跟他不熟。。。即使懂了也無能為力。。。就盼神能夠替我代勞安慰他囉。。。
不知怎麼的了。。。我最近心很煩。。。定不下心。。。總是遲睡遲起。。。(你看我幾時寫這則blog就知道了啦)。。。搞到我總是昏昏欲睡。。。心神不定。。。迷迷糊糊的。。。想作點功課。。。到頭來還是作不了。。。可能是沒有自律吧。。。很閑。。。
對了。。。農曆新年到了。。。在此祝大家“學業進步﹑身體健康﹗”
Don't ask me why I am writing in Chinese... Maybe it's Chinese New Year... To those who are not familiar with Chinese... Sorry...
Although it is Chinese New year, a new year... I feel just the same as on 1st Jan... Very sian... Just saw a movie called "Butterfly Effect"... After reading it, I was overwhelmed with feelings... The movie showed how a man tried again and again to change the history of her love, to have a better future and be with her... When he found out that he could actually change history... he tried all sorts of method to change history... But it actually made matters worse... It harmed her even more... In the end, the only solution to keep her of harm's way; to live a happy life, was to go back to his childhood and break all ties with her... The movie ends with the man coincidentally meeting her love again on the street... they walk past each other... Although the man recognises her... but she does not know who he is...
Every time he tried to change history... things got worse... It made me felt that maybe if we had not done some wrongs in the past, we wouldn't have today... We just have to go through some problems, some failures before we can be what we are today... If we had not go through those wrongs... things could be even worse... In order to achieve smthng... we often have to sacrifice some things... To get good results we have to sacrifice time... The man wanted his love to have a good life, and had to break all ties with her... It's the same logic....
Although this is true... I am not conforted by this fact at all... I still regret the wrongs i have done... the choices i have made...
The death of FuQing Zhanglao dampened my heart... Although I am glad that he can finally return home... and rest in peace... i am worried for his family... I dunno how quanyong is taking this blow... he may be ok on the surface but who noes his deepest hurts?... He is not very wealthy... and may be able to carry on life in the short term... but in the years to come... no one can be sure they will be able to go through the tough times...
Recently... something else happened again... it made me feel.. that our stubborness... ourselves... is the root cause of problems... we often can't find solutions to answers... cant realise our dreams... all this is because of our attitude... our laziness... our pride... and thus our dreams are dust... i ask myself if i have attitude problems... or laziness... or proud... but... no clear answer...
I see people around me having bad moods, depression, frustration, sadness... Seems like i am not an exception... after mulling... i realise sometimes my friends aren't as happy as they seem to be on the surface... if i hadn't read his blog... i wouldnt even noe... but... ironically... i am not close to him... even if i noe his situation... i can't help him directly... all i can do is leave it up to God to comfort and encourage him...
For some reason... recently... i am very frustrated... cant seem to concentrate... always sleeping late... waking up late... (See what time i wrote this blog and you will noe)... In the end... i just get drowzy all the time... even if i want to do my hw... i just cant seem to do it... maybe i lack self-disciple... very sian...
oh yah... it's Chinese New Year... so I would like to with everybody... Good studies and a healthy body!
After all the trash last year, its finally a new year... :/.... not actually very happy though... i once mentioned that my fren's blog all negative entries... realise i am no exception... maybe blogs are a way of venting frustration and sadness...
心中的不满... 全部都发泄在文字里... sounds weird but isn't that what people are doing... shouting through written words...
this year's countdown was rather plain... didn't feel any excitement that a new year was approaching... felt more like problems... A levels... feel so restrained... can't do this... can't do that... every day so freaking busy with things that are not even important but i still do them... after settling church camp stuff then had to bother about which church to go to... then have to bother about part-time job... that stupid under-paid job that wasted by 2 weeks for just like $86... i really find myself doing stupid stuff all the time... trying to act happy... trying to act not bothered by all the passing remarks i hear... and the ignoring i get... sick...
prayed for a better year this year... started like shit... for some reason... i can actually feel myself becoming more and more rude... unconsciously... when people do things... my natural reaction is to react immediately and it's always appear rude... what's happening to me...
funny thing... until now... i am still asked by people why i did not join band... i think the fundamental reason is because i had a lot of miseries there... i was a sl who could not command respect from my juniors... i cannot play my trumpet properly... i cannot discipline people... it's horrible... what's best... even after graduating...
好心 go back there visit during camp... i still get shit from them... juniors that think making fun of me was so funny and entertaining... repeating and laughing at the same few jokes for like 1 hour all the way till they sleep... how lame can that be... and to go through that in jc just spoils my 2 years... spare me... i only got 2 years here... and i dun wan to
慢性自杀... but what's the point.... ironically... without band... my life ain't any better... maybe things would have been better if i joined band... maybe not... i dun wan to consider... pointless... just like sunk cost... any present decision will not change anything in the past... what's done's done...
honestly i am getting tired of people thinking i am very smart... i am the guai boy... must have finished all my dec holiday hw... well in fact... i din do any... i din touch hw until like 31 dec...? din finish anyway... went to sch wondering what would happen... well most of the ppl in class did them... i din... mr lee thinks i finished all my physics... sorry to disappoint you man... i've got no mood to study... to do anything in fact... i dun understand anything... 1 fact i finally
亲身体会... mugging only makes knowlege temporary... after the exams.... return to teacher... how nice right... now i trying to figure out... recalling what the teacher is actually toking about... sian...
now i got to bother about g8 theory exam... how fun... exams in march... not familar with the syllabus... no time to have piano lessons... din do hw... see how lor... :/
i realise one thing... appreciation matters... ignoring sux...
feeling very sian... got news that i am going to serve in bookstore ministry for 5 weeks str8... and it was suppose to be a fortnight thing... trying going to expo for church and have service 3 hours later... dressed formal... smiling... be friendly... and then stay until 9pm to do closing...
i feel very crap... until now... my hols hw still not done... dunno how to do... now i got 1 hard disk spoilt... must go replace... before that must recover information... how to recover 20 gb of info... store where...
go to sch... see the band ppl so united... i was suppose to be in there... was... but decided not to... what a joke... i go to a class where a fifth of the people are in band... how nice is that... it's not that i dun wan to join band... i just.. just dun wan to be reminded of the freak year in sec sch... dun wan to go through the stress of being a lousy player... never having a chance to play solo... not that i am capable of playing a solo.. but can u imagine... a band concert... fellow trumpeter who r exco each have a solo... while the sl doesn't... incapable... go bk play alumni also the same... izzen the sl suppose to be the best player... well... i got exco people in my section batch... im not saying that they r not fit... but rather... me... i love music... but i'm just not good at it... grade 8 practical... can't even play any song off-hand... can't even play simple score... what's the use of the certificate anyway... doesn't prove anything...
我不知道我在中学时是否做错了选择... 加入乐队... 我不知道我现在决定不加入乐队是否作对了... 我真的不知道... 坦白讲... 现在我对我人生中的每个决定都没有把握... 不知道哪一次又是一个惨痛的经验...