One month has passed, I spent most of my time in the June hols just studying like mad... very sian.

First week of june, i went to jinan for a tour, a holiday of some sort. Had lots of fun there, at least i was away from singapore. away from all the crap. There I made quite a few chinese friends who were very friendly. I realised they don't really fit the stereotypes we assume of them. Although it was just a 2-day visit, but they really treated us very well. It was as if we were very very important guests. And they were very eager to show us their school campus and school life there. They were very eager to befriend us. In china, soft drinks are more expensive than beer. Even so, they still treated us soft drinks during meals. When we were leaving, there was a gift exchange. They gave us something that was very important/precious to them. I received a notebook. I heard that it was actually won by the class in a competition. The whole class didn't bear to use it. But yet they gave it to us. Seeing how friendly they are, i feel awkward. I realise that if these people were actually in Singapore, i cannot imagine the stares they will get.. or how people will despise them etc...

The group of students on this tour, compared to last year, were more friendly. Everyone hit off quite well, this made the trip pretty enjoyable. Even after returning to Singapore, we still have some outings to watch movie, and eat.

After all the fun, my nightmare began. The following 3 weeks were basically spent at Moses' house studying. At least we played a bit of badminton and basketball, or else it would really be very dreadful. I spent 2 weeks studying physics. I don't know why but i actually took such a long time to study physics... This obviously meant that i spent much lesser time on chem, maths and econs... I really was in no mood to study... but the thought that bt2 was in just a few days time scared me. I realised there wasnt much time after bt2 to go through these topics in again. I just force myself to...

These few weeks weren't exactly very fun. I left City Harvest, and so-called quarrel with a friend. I'm not talking about trival matters that spark off quarrels... but those that have many implications, about my past, what happened to me. I tried to put on a front, but i am very frustrated. I don't understand why i have to deal with all this when i cant even handle my exams. I tried to put them aside, but they just keep popping back into my head. Putting on a happy front isn't fun. i cant tell anyone... cause no one can help me... the more people know, the more complicated the issue becomes... the more awkward it becomes...

i am overwhelmed. i am getting very impatient. My mood fluctuates like mad. i flare up easily. i can be happy a moment, and sad the next. i cant get a hold of myself. u can say i having pms, or mood swing, or whatever, but i din ask for it.. k... i just want a happy life... be positive about everything.. but i barely can... i wan to talk to someone but who? who's so free? even if there is, what am i to tok about? all the time i just ask stupid qns like "how's your block test results?, "what are we doing for tut tmr?", "why you look in a daze?", "what's the next lesson?" i find myself toking rubbish... for the past few days i've been sleeping at about 11 but i still feel tired... pls dun suddenly tok to me, or call me after reading this... that's not what i want... i'm just trying to vent my feelings... if it helps...

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