I'm close to the end of my PS course. Relieved but at the same time, not prepared to return back to my unit. As a trainee, there were many things that I could forgo and not bother. But once I return back to my unit, I have to be responsible for quite a lot of things.
The whole PS course was not a total breeze but I am glad I made many new friends. My summary exercise in Tekong ended with me being the exercise PS. Well, I can say my instructor kept shouting at me telling me that I showed him nothing of a platoon sergeant. Everything was disorganised, there was no command and control. He doesn't see any effort put in by me. So that's how I ended my outfield in PS course. Whatever the case, I admit I did not put my best foot forward throughout the course. I see others show their capabilities and I do see a lot of good platoon sergeants or at least PSs with the correct attitude. Happy to see such people, I am also very proud of their achievements and believe they would go far in their unit life.
I took a very laid-back approach towards the course. Didn't do much. Disappointed in myself for not trying my best, but I have no motivation to do so. Have been very depressed many times throughout the course, but showed no one that side of me. Everyone just thinks I'm some childish, immature, full-of-crap person that I always show people. "A small boy" they call me. Yah, maybe so because they are like 3 years older than me. I'm sure many are familiar with that side of me. But I cannot tell how many times I drag myself to do things, how many times I am so depressed to do anything. Before I book in, I would be super moody. But when I enter camp and start talking to my bunkmates, I change to that delirious person that goes around irritating,
ji3 xiao2-ing people. It just seems so natural to do so. I don't know what am I trying to show others. I don't know why I put up this mask before others.
强颜欢笑Saddened already by the fact I am in this course, I have to live up to the expectations of a good platoon sergeant. I realise the many shortcomings I have, even as a commander. I am super forgetful. I lack the ability to control people. I have very slow reaction to situations.
Haven't been in church for close to a month. Don't know whether I should return. But it seems pointless that I go back. These few weeks, I just book out, stay at home, at my computer, then go back to camp. No life, no entertainment, no friends, nothing. I really don't know what to do to change all this. Life really sucks.