Hm... Seems like I have been missing in action for very long. Never found the time or mood to sit down and blog. As you may have realised, I am back from Taiwan
already. (duh!) It was tough but at least it's over. Now I come to a stage of total horror when I realise I am in unit taking 2nd-year soldiers. I realise I got more
chong-sua to do. More shit to go through. And I am going overseas again, not for a holiday but to Brunei for training. (Exactly 1 mth from today) How
fun!
Seriously, the first day I went to report at my unit, I was just angry. Angry why I have to go through so much tough times in NS before and in the future. I see my friends having a much easier time. Some in airforce, some in combat engineer, some just clerk, some signals, some in unit as well, but taking 1st-year's, skipping atec, some better still, in bmtc. I am the only idiot in infantry, slogging my lungs out. My camp is in Changi, which is on the other side of the island from my house, taking more than an hour to get there.
I don't know how many times I have complained and complained about my ns but it is just that frustrating. I don't understand the reason where I am. I look around me, can't help but feel lonely because no one in my batch, no one I knew before ns is in the same situation as me. The feeling just sucks. But at the same time, I find it stupid of me, every time I meet up with my classmates, I complain. It reflects poorly of myself, it shows the lack of control of my temper, it shows how weak I am.
I can just
geng my way out of everything. I question myself time and time again why I didn't ooc during bslc and aslc. All I know that did became clerks. I then realise that it was because during aslc, I had that small hope, an opportunity that I could be an instructor in sispec. Life wouldn't be that tiring. But it just collapsed the day I got my posting. I then ask myself again, was the silver bayonet worth it? Does it worth all the expectations others have of me in unit?
Honestly, every since I was back from Taiwan, my walk with God is just walking down the cliff. I feel empty inside. After missing church for close to 6 weeks, I just feel weird returning. Praise team is no longer how it used to be. I no longer join the youth fellowship. I go for service, then attend a choir practice which I don't really like, and then I am on my way home. No longer are the days I would stay in church the whole afternoon, just singing songs in the afternoon; relaxing in His presence. I just do what I have to do in church, and rush back home, to rush back to camp. I don't know the younger batches, don't know who's in what batch, how old they are. I am just slowly detaching from the church. What's best is next month I'm going overseas again. And I won't be back till my birthday is over. Another 3 weeks away from church. I don't know what's His reason for all these. It's very depressing. Depressing I can't find a place I belong to. It's just me and my darn computer. No life. That's what people tells me, I've got "No life".
Well, tomorrow I shall know which company I will be posted to. I don't know what to expect, will I be further pushed to a lone place.
我自己也不想整天埋怨。可是我很累，很空虛，很寂寞。
I am weak.