beingmyself

當你

2011-09-01T00:37:00.003+08:00

如果有一天　我回到從前
回到最原始的我　你是否會覺得我不錯
如果有一天　我離你遙遠
不能再和你相約　你是否會發覺我已經說再見

當你的眼睛瞇著笑
當你喝可樂當你找
我想對你好　你從來不知道
想你想你也能成為嗜好

當你說今天的煩惱
當你說夜深你睡不著
我想對你說卻　害怕都說錯
好喜歡你知不知道

如果有一天　夢想都實現
回憶都成了永遠　你是否還會記得今天
如果有一天　我們都發覺
原來什麼都可以　無論是否還會停留在這裡

也許可是讓我想得太多
也許該回到沒我
夢里和相遇就毫不猶豫
大聲的說我要說

你不知道的事

2011-07-17T02:58:00.004+08:00

中文 | English

蝴蝶眨幾次眼睛才學會飛行
夜空灑滿了星星但幾顆會落地
我飛行但你墜落之際
很靠近還聽見呼吸
對不起我卻沒捉緊你

你不知道我為什麼離開你
我堅持不能說放任你哭泣
你的淚滴像傾盆大雨
碎了滿地在心裡清晰

你不知道我為什麼狠下心
盤旋在你看不見那高空裡
多的事你不知道的事

傻得可笑

2011-05-16T00:17:00.004+08:00

中文 | English

你知道我這時多麼希望我電話失靈，我看錯了。我，又再一次被放鴿子。你輕率的道歉更顯示我的天真、我的白癡。你要我怎麼辦？要直接說我傻得可笑嗎？你讓我像笨蛋一樣，竟做出一些幼稚的行為。我服了你，好累。這，要維持到多久呢？我的心要碎成幾片呢？你不要這樣對我，好不好？rGJe5jR5hV1XCuTtzU06z5j5toY41dzcx7yEiOXVb3o=我是那麼的在意你說的話，我對你的承諾。

有點累

2011-04-11T01:58:00.005+08:00

中文 | English

這一周時間過得不是很好。一直在趕功課、作業、專題。很忙、很累。加上龍舟訓練，有點喘不過氣。感謝主，我還是熬過了。可是，這個星期並沒有更好。我還是有很多功課、作業、專題須要做。更多夜要熬。你還在嗎？我已經有點到了絕望的盡頭。明知不可能，我還是一頭栽了進去。傻得很，可是我控制不住。當我到了筋疲力盡的時候，偶爾還是會想起你。想想你現在還好嗎、辛苦嗎？＃＃看到你的時候，你並沒有我那麼的期待看到我，我也知道。我即使離開了，你也還是態度淡漠。你從來不過問——是因爲這是你平常的態度，還是你根本漠不關心？我不懂。我也可能永遠不瞭解。

當我快撐不住的時候，有誰在支持我，誰在支撐著我？也許沒人懂，或也許是因爲我表達不出這份痛，也許是因爲我說不出來我的傷。也許是因爲我不懂得與他人掏心。我想問題在於我吧……是我想太多，是我接受不了，是我不懂得找別人，是我不應該。

我想太多

2011-02-10T04:05:00.008+08:00

中文 | English

可能是藥性的關係，禮拜晚上雖然發燒，想睡可是睡不著。早知道就不應該吃含有咖啡因的班納度加強錠。整個人在床上翻來覆去，一直感到很暈眩。燒一直不退，沒辦法，就去廁所拿了一個桶，放水加入冰塊，用布條浸水，嘗試伏著額頭降溫。換了幾次佈，心想這也不是辦法，不可能整晚一直換下去，就自己凌晨三點獨自出門去買無咖啡因的班納度和能伏在額頭的散熱片。去Esso沒有賣散熱片，只好走去大牌19的7-11買。回到家吃藥，伏上散熱片就想辦法入睡。可悲嗎？

整晚睡不好，又因為咖啡因的緣故，思緒不斷地跑。心裡想很多，開始納悶起來。我心裡一直掛念的人是不可能會想到我。我這幾個月來常想起的人是不會對我有好感，因為不可能。

是我想太多（我也這樣說）
但你（有）沒有真的心疼我

有沒有人此時此刻在心疼我？在掛念我？在擔心我？我想沒有。你有嗎？我想也沒有。就算我再怎麼表示，我過不了我自己這關，你也不可能有什麼回應。我在堅持什麼？我在懊惱什麼？我在接受不了什麼？我以後的路要怎麼走我真的不知道。我只知道我很怕一個人。我不喜歡一個人。

年齡將近二十三的我恍然發現我不再是青少年。我還很幼稚，對未來仍然沒有規劃。我爸在二十五歲時就結婚，有工作，人生有規劃，而我到現在一個伴都沒有。我的伴會是誰，我迷惘。

一個人活在壓抑中是多麼可怕的事，你知道嗎？也或許因為我逐漸有能力獨立，我開始瞭解我為什麼近年來才開始嚮往上夜店，嚮往自我陶醉，嚮往放縱自己。我慶倖我今年年尾出國交流時有朋友一起去，不然我不知道我一個人在外會作什麼蠢事，而會不會一失足成千古恨。私欲——就是如此。

我說這麼多也無濟於事，因為我的私欲如今還是被我的理性壓抑著。我很難想像有一天上帝會跟我說：“你控制了你的私欲，作得好。”就為了控制，我有多難受祢知道嗎？

This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that he promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that? - Shelter in the time of storm

歸根結蒂，上帝向我應許的美好，並非指某個處境、資產、地位或關係。祂向我應許的美好，是祂自己。世上哪還會有更美好的禮物呢？——唯獨那暴風雨中的避風港。

我心裡冷笑了一下。

Chinese to English.
Probably due to the effects of the drug, even though I wanted to sleep the fever off on Sunday night, I couldn't. I shouldn't have taken Panadol Extra, which had caffeine. I was tossing and turning in bed, yet drowsy at the same time. My fever persisted, so I got myself a bucket of ice water, dipped a towel in and placed it on my forehead. After changing the towel a few times, I realise I couldn't do this all night. So I left my house alone at 3 am to buy some normal Panadol and cooling pads. Esso did not sell the cooling pads; no choice but to go to the 7-11 at Blk 19 to get some. Ate the medicine when I reached home, put on the cooling pad and tried to sleep. Pathetic eh?

I didn't sleep well the whole night. The effects of caffeine kept me awake and pensive. Emotions started to well up. The person that I have been thinking of all these months is not going to be thinking of me now, neither will that person have anything for me, because it will never happen.

是我想太多（我也這樣說）
但你（有）沒有真的心疼我

(I know too that) I think too much
But (has) your heart ever ached for me

Is there anyone right now whose heart is aching for me, or missing me, or worrying for me? I guess not. Are you? I don't think so either. No matter how I express myself, I can't get pass myself, neither will you ever reciprocate. So what am I waiting for? What is it that I am troubled about? Why the hell am I not able to accept it? I really don't know what lies ahead of me, I just know I'm afraid to be alone. And I hate being alone.

I am almost 23 already and it's only now that I finally get it in my head that I'm no longer young. But I haven't grown up - I haven't planned for my future. When my dad was 25, he got married, got a job, had a plan in life. Whereas for me, I don't even have a partner. Who will that person be? I don't know; I'm lost.

Do you know how scary it is to live under suppression? And probably also because I can be independent now, I start to realise why I want to go clubbing so much nowadays, why I want to indulge in myself nowadays, why I just want to let my hair down nowadays. I think I should be happy that I am going exchange this year end with a friend, else I really don't know what stupid things I will do out there. I may very well make that one mistake that I will regret for life. That, is suppression for you.

But no matter how much nonsense I say now doesn't mean a thing because my desires till today are still suppressed by my rationality. I cannot imagine one day God telling me that I have done well in controlling my desires. Really, I would say, then do You know much I've been through to control them?

This is the bottom line. The good that God promises me isn't a situation, possession, position or relationship. The good that he promises me is himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that? - Shelter in the time of storm

Is that so...?

難道我真的沒緣？

2011-01-30T23:52:00.006+08:00

中文 | English

昨天參加了NUSSU Bash和Brendan的生日派對。我在7點在聖占姆士發電廠與其他龍舟團員會和支持俊威。過了大概半個鐘頭，我們便前往Brendan的派對。在派對上，我遇到了Joshua和Simon，感到蠻驚訝的。原來Simon是Brendan的干弟弟，Joshua是同校同學。世界還真小。我們在那裡唱K，待到大約11點。我們剩下的幾個就往發電廠出發。到了那裡已經12點多。我心想可能就可以“瘋狂”的過一晚。沒想到廠外排滿長龍，想進去都難。沒辦法，索性去麥當勞吃夜宵。在那，遇見了俊威。他沒有獲勝，心情不是很好。當時他正和他的朋友一起吃，過了一會兒才陪我們吃。他傾訴：自己幾個星期壓力很大，爲了減肥挨餓，爲了表演花了不少錢。當天表演，沒有很多人到場支持。我們也不在場，感到不好意思。他當時稍有醉意，聽他掏心感到蠻傷感的。

很不巧，這是我大概第三次嘗試去夜店了。全部三次都沒有所謂的“瘋狂”的過一夜。有一次，朋友放飛機，夜店沒人。心想是上帝在告訴我夜店不適合我嗎？其實蠻可笑的。看來我和夜店沒有什麼緣分。我失望地回家。睡覺準備今天的獻詩。

感謝神我今天起來雖然喉嚨不是很舒服，獻詩還是蠻順利。我得到很多人的稱讚，感到安慰。希望他們有吸收到獻詩的涵義。

“我怎麼會不配當祢的兒女，祢赦免了我的罪孽，
祢使我得見慈愛和憐憫，祢全心聽我的聲音”

“主祢向我仰臉，安慰和幫助，祢平安充滿我的心，
主祢保護我，保護我性命，至高者，祢堅立我心”

Chinese to English.
Attended the NUSSU Bash and Brendan's birthday party yesterday. I was at St. James waiting for the rest of the dragon boat team at 7 pm, planning to support Jun Wei. After about half an hour, we headed to Brendan's party. Surprisingly, I met Joshua and Simon there. Turned out that Simon was Brendan's god-brother, and Joshua was Brendan's schoolmate. What a small world it is. We sang karaoke there till about 11 pm. A few of us then headed to St. James. By that time, it was already 12 am-plus. I thought I was going to have a crazy night. But to my disappointment, the queue was horribly long. We then went to McDonalds for supper. Met Jun Wei there. He didn't win the pageant and naturally wasn't in a good mood. He was with his friends, and joined us after a while. He lamented that he was under immense stress the past few weeks, due to dieting (for loosing weight), and for the expense made for the performance. There weren't many supporters during the actual performance and we weren't there either. We felt quite bad for it. He was a little tipsy then, and listening him to pour his heart made me rather sad as well.

Unfortunately for me, it is my third time to the club. All three times I didn't have a good time. On one occasion, we were stood up, and there wasn't anyone in the club. Is God trying to tell me not go club? It's quite amusing actually. Seems like I have no affinity with clubs. I went home disappointed. Slept, preparing for today's anthem.

Thank God I was able to present the anthem well even though my throat wasn't very good. I was comforted by the many praises I got. I hope they were able to understand the deeper meaning in the lyrics of the song.

“我怎麼會不配當祢的兒女，祢赦免了我的罪孽，
祢使我得見慈愛和憐憫，祢全心聽我的聲音”

“主祢向我仰臉，安慰和幫助，祢平安充滿我的心，
主祢保護我，保護我性命，至高者，祢堅立我心”

"How am I not fit to be Your child? You forgave all my iniquities.
You let me experience unfailing love and mercy. You listen wholly to my voice."

"Lord, You turn to me, giving me comfort and assistance. Your peace fills my heart.
Lord, You protect me and guard my life. Most High, You establish my heart."

可笑

2010-12-31T11:31:00.009+08:00

中文 | English

我爸突然跟我說一大堆關於我家汽車保險的內容。說什麼我因為駕車經驗未滿3年所以賠償金就比他來得少，自掏腰包的比例比較高。我心想他為何無緣無故說這些。他最後補上了一句“You can drive but can you manage the consequence?”（你可以駕車但你能夠承擔後果嗎？）

我聽了恍然大悟，他是針對我在前幾天向他借車的事作回應。當天，是想跟幾位朋友去吃夜宵，心想有車比較方便，省搭計程車。回家，問他一句，他就大眼瞪小眼，說幾點了。要做什麽？去哪裡？我回答了，他就繼續瞪，瞪完了就繼續看電視。沒說“不可以”。我就心冷，話不多說，就立刻出門了。沒說拜，沒說幾點回。

我當時有種欲哭的感覺，但告訴自己算了，他每次都這樣，我自己也應該知道，習慣了。我這是何必呢？反正從小到大，我即使很少向他要求事，他九成說不。不想再問他了。

他說保險的事才昨天，我心裡沒有想什麽。但今天一早起來，聽見他在我房間咳嗽，又氣起來。我聽過朋友解釋我爸不讓我駕車的原因或許是怕我在領取駕駛執照的考察期一年犯規，導致執照吊銷。我當時半信半疑，但現在很明顯：沒這回事。他擔心的是保險的問題，我發生車禍的賠償金。真的很可笑。我考到駕駛執照以來，他從來都沒有讓我在他同意下駕車，除了接載他去機場的兩次。即使那兩次也是他駕車去，我駕車回。他從未看過我駕車。他那時又沒有講什麽保險，這下子我想借車就給我這種理由，你不覺得很可笑嗎？很莫名其妙嗎？難道說我在我考到駕駛執照3年後，技術會自動變好，出車禍的幾率會因為我這3年沒有駕車而減少？難道說我考到駕駛執照3年後，你會讓我駕車？我在妄想。我還記得你清清楚楚地說過“You want to drive? Get your own car.”。（你要駕車，自己買車。）

Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.

說起咳嗽的事，我不是氣我爸在我房間里咳嗽。而是無法忍受他每天在我房間，對我視而不見的態度。自從中學，他每天就在我的房間里工作，用他的手提電腦。大多數都用到凌晨1點多。我晚上燈開著我無法入眠，我不需要一片漆黑，但至少燈不要照著我。另外他時不時就在進行視訊會議，或大聲播放音樂，好像我不在房間一樣。隔天早上7點多，他又進來我房間繼續工作，繼續的吵。每晚給他這樣吵，我索性不睡，等到他做完事，我才去睡。他雖然常常出國，但每次回來這件事又重演。另外可笑的事來了。他嫌我每天太晚睡。哈哈哈。拜託，我是托誰的福。我早就習慣遲睡了。我不想跟他吵，這近10年什麽都沒說。但心想，他爲什麽要在我的房間里工作？客廳沒有桌子嗎？怕收不到網絡信號——可是我在這裡用了幾個月，沒有發現什麽問題。沒有理由啊？他吃飽沒事來吵我，還是他根本不知道他在打擾他人。我看是後者。又可笑，又讓我心寒。我想不通為何他可以長期以來不會覺得他吵到了我。我以前會嘗試搭起板子擋住燈光但行不通，也嘗試在床上大聲翻來覆去，他都視若無睹。可悲啊。現在，我懶得理他。我索性不在房裡，不在家裡。但是自己也無法找朋友在外頭流蕩。很累。

他每次在家，不是嫌這個，就是嫌那個。搞得我根本都不想留在家中聽他念。他在家就是我被講。我何必在家忍。可是，我有時真的沒有人陪出去。我很不喜歡獨自的感覺，我不能夠就一個人在外頭流蕩。我怕我會憂鬱起來。我或許該找個伴，但我找的到嗎？找誰？

Chinese -> English.
My dad suddenly tells me about the content of the car insurance that he bought. Saying that my driving experience is less than 3 years, therefore the compensation received would be lesser that what he gets. I was thinking why he would tell me such things for. But when he ended off with "You can drive but can you manage the consequence?".

Sudden epiphany. I realise that he was refering to an incident few days back - where I asked to borrow the car. That night, I wanted to eat supper with a few friends, thinking that it would be convenient to have the car. I could save on the cab fare as well. When I reached home, asked him, he stared at me and asked "What time already?" "Do what?" "Where are you going?" I answered him and he continued to stare. After that, he continue to watch television. He never said "No". Disappointed, I left the house immediately. Never said "bye" nor what time I would be back.

At that moment, I was on the verge of tearing. But I told myself, "Forget it". He's always been like that, I should have known, I should have gotten used to it. Why bother? I mean, since I was young, even though I hardly ask things from him, he would almost always say no. Don't want to ask any more.

When he told me about the insurance that day, I didn't thought much of it. But this morning when I woke up, I heard him coughing in my room, I got angry. My friends have sort of try to explain why my dad wouldn't let me drive. They said that he was worried I would get my licence revoked if I broke the rules in my probation year. I didn't totally believe them, but now it's clear: It wasn't the case. He was worried about the insurance that he had to pay should I get into an accident. How ridiculous is that? From the day I got my licence till now, he has NEVER let me drive under his consent, other than the two times I sent him to the airport. Even then, it was him driving there, I drive the car back. He has never seen me drive before. Why didn't he mention about insurance then? But now tell me such a reason why I want to borrow the car? What rubbish is that? Totally illogical. You mean to say that after I have 3 years of "driving experience", you would let me drive? I must be crazy. I still remember you clearly telling me "You want to drive? Get your own car".

Well dad, I get the message. Thanks.

About the cough - I am not angry that my dad was coughing in my room. But rather how oblivious he is to my presence in the room. Since I was in secondary school, he would work every day in my room with his laptop. Usually till 1 am. I cannot sleep when the lights are on, I do not need total darkness, but at least not the light shining into my face. Once in a while he will have his video conferencing, and his music enjoying sessions, as if I am not in the room at all. The next day around 7 am, he will come into my room again and do the same old thing. My resolution: to not sleep until he's done. Although he travels overseas often, but everytime he's in town, the same old story repeats. Guess what - he complains that I sleep too late. HAHAHA. Thanks to who? I am long used to sleeping late. Not wanting to quarrel with him, I have been putting up with this for almost a decade. I think to myself - why must he work in my room? Isn't there a table in the living room? Unable to receive wireless? - But I have been using it for months here and haven't found any problems. What's the reason exactly? Does he have nothing else better to do than to disturb me, or he is just oblivious to the fact he is disturbing others. I think it's the latter. It's just sad. I cannot understand how all this while, he never once thought that he was disturbing me. To think that in the past I would set up boards in attempt to block the light, or toss and turn on the bed as loudly as I can, but to no avail. He doesn't notice / care - it's just sick. Now, I can't be bothered with him. I don't stay in the room, not even at home. But I can't just stay out alone. Despair.

When he's at home, he nags at this and that. So much so that I don't even want to stay at home. Once he's home, I get scolded. Why should I put up with it? But sometimes, I just don't have anyone to accompany me. I don't like to be alone, I can't stroll the streets with just me. I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I think I should find a partner, but will I? Who can I find?

又開始埋怨的時候了

2010-12-31T00:15:00.013+08:00

中文 | English

我好像很久很久沒有沒有發表文章了。可能這一個半年懂得如何壓抑吧？也不知道怎麼度過，大概是靠主恩和受他人的禱告托住吧。越來越覺得自己生活很乏味，自己性格無趣，而或許因此導致自己沒有交往的對象。好不容易有時間在假期可以作自己想作的事，但赫然發現我沒事做。你會意外嗎？我想了老半天，度過了幾天，還是愣愣地呆在家裡，無所事事。

我好像除了教會里的朋友之外，跟其他人沒有什麼交情。想出去走走，正好教會朋友不是出國，就是工作、服兵役，也不知道找誰好。其他朋友，不知道怎麼開口，怕麻煩人家。有時候真的很想很瘋狂地過我的人生，放膽地去玩一場，但話說回來，跟誰？誰會陪我？雖說我不喜歡去夜店，但心想可能那種生活或許能滿足自己的虛榮心。至少不會覺得自己生活那麼乏味。很快學校要開課了，我在這整個假期里，好像並沒有成就什麼。

發現自己是一個很怕寂寞的人，很怕無聊的人。希望我能夠找到紓解壓力，放鬆心情的方法，填滿我空虛的心靈。不然我真的快瘋了……

You Laid Aside Your Majesty

2009-07-20T20:05:00.004+08:00

Original Lyrics 原词

You Laid Aside Your Majesty
by Noel Richards

You laid aside Your majesty,
gave up everything for me.
Suffered at the hands
of those You had created.

You took away my guilt and shame,
When You died and rose again.
Now today You reign,
And heaven and earth exalt You.

I really want to worship You my Lord,
You have won my heart and I am Yours.
Forever and ever, I will love You.

You are the only one who died for me,
Gave Your life to set me free.
So I lift my voice to You in adoration.

Translation 翻译

《祢尊贵却愿意舍弃》
Noel Richards

祢尊贵却愿意舍弃
从高降下成卑微
祢创造人类却
为他们来代罪

祢挪走我一切羞愧
为我死在十字架
如今祢复活
天地都尊祢为大

我愿意一生敬拜祢我主
我愿一生与祢同渡过
直到永永远远　我要爱祢

唯有祢肯为我罪受死
舍弃生命让我得自由
我要向世界扬声　称颂祢耶稣

irritated

2009-06-16T00:21:00.002+08:00

Feeling kind of irritated these days. I realised I have to take some Qualifying English Test because my GP results sucks, which consists of an essay, right smack in the middle of my supposed Taiwan trip. I still haven't decide which orientation camp I should/can go to. The AYG people still have not told me when they would need me as a volunteer. And I have no idea what to do for my driving test in July. There are just too many uncertainties for me to take.

Pray that I can really cast all my anxieties on Him and be in peace, knowing He cares for me.

Heartless

2009-05-27T23:34:00.005+08:00

EDIT 8 March 2011: Original Performance above removed. Replaced with studio recording.

Heartless (by Kanye West)
Performed by Kris Allen

In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road,
He lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?
Oh... How could you be so...?

How could you be so,
cold as the winter wind when it breeze, yo?
Just remember that you talkin' to me, yo
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me, yo
I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me

In the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road,
he lost his soul to a woman so....

You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you goin' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

'Cause in the night, I hear 'em talk,
The coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road,
He lost his soul to a woman so heartless...
How could you be so heartless?

Interestingly, this was meant to be sad song.
But he made is so lively and fun to hear. Cool guy.

Above All

2009-04-07T22:15:00.015+08:00

Original Lyrics 原词

Above All by Paul Baloche
Above all powers, above all kings,
Above all nature and all created things.
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man,
You were here before the world began.

Above all kingdoms, above all thrones.
Above all wonders the world has ever known.
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth,
There’s no way to measure what You’re worth

Crucified, laid behind the stone,
You lived to die, rejected and alone.
Like a rose, trampled on the ground.
You took the fall, and thought of me,
above all.

Translation 翻译

《至上主》 Paul Baloche
祢是全能神　祢是上主
祢已胜过世上一切被造物
智慧权柄都不在祢以外
主祢是昔在今在永在

祢胜过万国　胜过江山
祢超越世上任何奥妙奇观
天下宝藏都不能胜过祢
因祢爱始终无与伦比

祢为我　舍命受鞭伤
受刑罚　被钉在十字架
被辱骂　遭罪人践踏
替代我罪　情愿破碎
唤我回

被钉十架　被讥笑憎恶
独自承受　世人的羞辱
如玫瑰　践踏在粪土
你是我神　却为我死
我的耶稣

4 months..

2009-04-05T23:35:00.002+08:00

it's been 4 months i guess, since i last posted something with words, rather than song and lyric. Partially due to the lack of words I have to describe my situations at times, cause my language isn't quite good. I have been going an emotional roller coaster ride. I get sad, moody, irritable and then happy, contented and relieved again and again, umpteen times during the past 4 months. And it's due to all sorts of reasons - church, work, friends, future, studies. Find it rather tiring. But I can't help much.

Have been thinking through my choice to be baptised recently. Don't really want to go through the motion, of getting baptised because of my age. But yah, it's bothering me a bit. I can't give reasons against or for it.

My work's another weird thing. I have no idea why I am not quitting it since I'm too lowly paid, that I can't even balance my expenditure.

And I'm wondering whether computing's really suited for me. But if it isn't, what else is? I like computers and stuff but I realise I don't know much about them either. Ironic.

Ah.. ranting again. Pardon my incoherence.

陪我 Stay With Me

2009-03-23T21:06:00.008+08:00

http://www.1ting.com/hao123/player_107372.html

Original Lyrics 原词

《陪我》盛晓玫
专辑：有一天

我不喜欢一个人
孤独一个人
数算夜空的星辰

期待有人陪我
陪我渡过
每个日出每个日落

曾经总是一个人
孤独一个人
面对生命的所有

我期待有人陪我
陪我渡过
每个春夏和秋冬

陪我一起欢笑
陪我一起流泪
陪我回忆陪我梦
给我一个拥抱
一些些安慰
低落时不离开我

陪我一起欢笑
陪我一起流泪
陪我回忆陪我梦
分享我的一切
喜乐与哀愁
陪着我天长地久

如今不再一个人
孤独一个人
面对生命的所有
找到一份真爱
耶稣的爱
陪我伴我到永久

Loose Translation 意译

Stay With Me by Amy Sand
Album: One day

I don't like to be alone
Hate to be lonesome
Alone, counting the stars at night

I hope for someone's accompaniment
Someone to stay with me
Every sunrise and sunset

Used to always be alone
Just me alone
To face what life throws at me

I hope for someone to accompany me
Someone to stay with me
Every season of the year

Someone to laugh with me
To cry with me
To reminisce with me, to dream with me
Someone to give me a hug
To give me consolation and
to be by my side when I'm down

Someone to laugh with me
To cry with me
To reminisce with me, to dream with me
Someone to share my all with -
both joy and pain
To stay with me till the ends of the earth

I am no longer alone today
No longer lonesome
Nor facing life by myself
I found true love
Jesus' love
Which will stay with me for ever

安静了

2009-03-10T23:32:00.023+08:00

Original Lyrics 原词

《安静了》 SHE
“离开我好吗？”
“我已经觉得不行了。”
“你先说分手好不好？”

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中　属於我们的婚礼
却成了　单人结婚进行曲
在这场爱情角力的拔河里
爱我还是爱你
你选择了自己

撒娇的　可爱的
黏人的　爱哭的
照片里　曾经的
都是你喜欢的
如今我还在原地
你却走回你的记忆

你说我爱你太多
就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福
短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱
让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空
你是不是能够给我

你说我给你太多
却不能给我什么
分不清激情承诺
永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口
我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最後温柔
是因为我太爱你

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中　属於我们的婚礼
安静了　在我枕边的梦里
我知道相爱原本就不容易
爱不是一加一
努力就有结局

撒娇的　可爱的
黏人的　爱哭的
照片里　曾经的
都是爱着你的
脸颊的泪还温热
却没有人握我的手

“对不起”
“现在的我。。”
“无法给你幸福”

Loose Translation 意译

All Is Quiet Now by SHE
"Can you leave me?"
"I cannot take it anymore."
"Can you initiate the breakup?"

All that is left standing here with me is this piano.
What was a dream of our marriage
Became a marriage anthem in solo.
In this tug-of-war of love,
did you love me or you yourself?
It was the latter.

Photos of me being a spoilt child,
of me being cute,
stuck close to you,
of me crying were once what you liked.
I'm still standing where I once were,
But you chose to go back to your memories.

You say I loved you too much,
So much it was drowning you.
You were afraid that
this happiness would be short-lived
Our breakup was a form of release.
A time for you to think.
Can you give me the
piece of sky which I wanted?

You say I gave you too much.
You were afraid you can't do the same.
You cannot differentiate between passion,
promise, eternity. Everything's confusing.
Love is like a wound,
with both of us suffering.
Silence is my last gesture of gentleness to you
Because I love you too much.

All that is standing here with me is this piano.
What was a dream of our marriage
Died and stayed as a dream by my pillow.
I know love was never meant to be easy
It is not mathematics. And answer may not
be what you worked out to be.

Photos of me being a spoilt child,
of me being cute,
stuck close to you, of me crying,
all these past were about loving you.
Tears on my cheeks are still fresh,
But there's no longer anyone holding my hand.

"I'm sorry"
"Given my current situation,
I don't think I can give you happiness"

This song reminds me of a past. A happy and sad past.

Complete by Parachute Band完全

2009-02-09T22:43:00.012+08:00

Download lyrics with chords (pdf)

Here I am, oh God I bring this sacrifice My open heart I offer up my life	主我把自己完全诚心献上有主祢爱我心不再忧伤
I look to You, Lord Your love that never ends Restores me again	我转眼向祢祢爱永不止息让我恢复自己
So I lift my eyes to You Lord In Your strength will I break through, Lord Touch me now, let Your love fall down on me I know Your love dispels all my fears	主我举双眼仰望祢信靠祢我就有能力恳求主祢爱此时来浇灌我深知祢爱能赶走恐惧
Through the storm I will hold on Lord And by faith, I will walk on, Lord Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day And I will be complete in You	经狂风暴雨绝不畏惧路再苦我也能走下去才发现祢爱能领我到天明使我在祢得以完全
(Ending Chorus) Through the storm I will hold on Lord And by faith, I will walk on, Lord Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day And I will be complete in, I will be complete in, I will be complete in You	（结尾副歌）经狂风暴雨绝不畏惧路再苦我也能走下去才发现祢爱能领我到天明使我在祢得完全我在祢得完全我在祢得以完全

reflection

2009-01-31T22:37:00.005+08:00

It's been about a month since I last started my admin job. It is quite an enjoyable experience. My supervisor has been very nice to me.

But I realise that every organisation has its limitations and bottlenecks. The reason why people don't become efficient often is because, the more efficient you are, the more work/responsibilities you have. And sadly, your pay doesn't increase with it. So, why bother? Just do what you can, do what you have to do, and keep your mouth shut. 厉害就好，不要假厉害。 (kiang gio ho, mai ge kiang).

I also realise how fake people can be in business. You may be smiling at someone, talking very nicely to someone, just because you need him to do something for you. Behind his back, you just keep insulting him, scolding him. And I wonder if people are doing that to me. It's kind of disturbing.

Chinese new year just passed, visited some of my relatives, who I only see once a year. I would say it's a change in my daily routine, not so much of a time of relaxation.

Met up with minghwee as well. He's going abroad soon. I'm going to miss his fun-loving character. Haha. I guess soon there will be more that will leave Singapore to study. And even if they are still in Singapore, I will see less of. Well, 天下无不散之筵席。 (All good things will come to an end) Wish them all the best abroad.

the passing away

2009-01-23T22:56:00.001+08:00

My godpa's mother passed away recently. It reminded me of my dad. :/

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T15:25:00.001+08:00

It's a new year and I wanna with everybody a blessed year to come!
Jiayou to all that are studying.. receiving 'o' results... receiving 'a' results... working... and slacking!!

results

2008-12-08T14:06:00.004+08:00

Slept at about 8pm on Saturday but woke up at about 12. I guess I'm not very used to sleeping early. Haha. Subsequently woke up at 3:30 am. Ate some bread and set off to Bukit Gombak Sports Hall to board the shuttle bus. By the time I reach city hall, it was close to 5 am. wr, wj and sh were already there. It wasn't long before we started the run.

The beginning was quite ok, until we reach east coast park at about 18 km, my thighs were aching like mad. We were in a group of four at first. By the 28 km mark, I was already walking all the way to the end. I couldn't run at all. In the end, it was only wr and me. Tried to run at about 33 km, but could only last for 100m, the pain was quite bad. The rest of the marathon became a walk-a-thon. Haha. And boy, I didn't know walking could be so torturous. Every step hurt. Had to stop every once in a while to stretch a bit.

I finally finished the jog-walk in 6h:39m:14s, 79th percentile overall, and 72nd percentile in my age group (18-24). Haha! Quite at the back. Not very impressive but still, it was quite an experience. Very grateful wr was walking with me all the while, would be quite bad if i were to do it alone. Well, I would think twice about joining it next year :P

Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon 2008

2008-12-03T21:05:00.004+08:00

ARE YOU READY FOR THE CHALLENGE?

Haha. Well, I'm participating in this year's full marathon. I have ran 12 km twice since I ORD-ed for training. That's not exactly very good but I hope I will not die out on Sunday.

Date: Sunday, 7 December 2008
Start Point: Esplanade Drive, The Esplanade Bridge
End Point: St Andrew’s Road, The Padang
Website: Singapore Marathon 2008

Start Time:
Marathon (42.195km) - 0530 hrs
Half Marathon (21.1km) - 0630 hrs
10km (Men) - 0730 hrs
10km (Women) - 0815 hrs
Wheelchair Race (10km) - 0845 hrs

holland plain

2008-12-02T12:23:00.004+08:00

Went to have breakfast with Alaric at Ghim Moh Market. Following which, we had a nice long walk down Ulu Pandan Rd and into a branch road. There he showed me this very nice open field. It's at point A on the map. Feels peaceful and tranquil. Didn't realise such a place exists so near my house :) It's good to take slow walks once in a while to discover things around you.

jeff dunham

2008-11-29T23:46:00.001+08:00

With introduction from Isaac, I have been very intrigued by ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. I think most of you wouldn't find him a stranger. It so happened that he has recently made a new video titled "Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special 2008". You can catch the video here! There is NO need to install Graboid. It may take a while to load though, so go do something else as it downloads and play it after a while. It's worth it! :)

And if you have problems hearing what he is saying, you can find the subtitles here! You have to open it using notepad and manually scroll it though.

driving

2008-11-25T23:36:00.000+08:00

I'm currently trying to learn driving. It is not as easy as it looks I guess. Didn't know there were so many footwork to deal with. I can't seem to handle the half-clutch very well. The car keeps jerking forward when I try to move off, especially after I stopped. Haha. It is very interesting though. Hope I'll be able to pass my TP the first time round. Don't really want to waste a lot of money on driving.

ORD

2008-11-11T19:12:00.001+08:00

I have finally ORD-ed. The process was too long to make it significant on the day itself. Basically, everyone was in ORD mood since the last week of Taiwan. Came back, had leave for about a week. Went back to camp to do my ORD parade, booked out. Was to ORD on Monday, but had to book in on Sunday night. Then I spent the whole day in camp trying to wait for the QM to sign my clearance form and finally left camp after birthday celebrations at about 9pm. By the end of the day, I was just relieved I could finally leave the camp. I guess I had to work hard for my ORD. hah.

I recall a lot of nice memories these 2 years. I ORD-ed with my BMT buddy in the same unit. Walked out the same gate at the same time. Made many good friends in the unit of which I will miss. But chances are I won't be seeing some of them for reservist cause they are studying overseas which includes my BMT buddy.

I remember the days in Tioman where it was just fun and laughter. It was a long time since I had such fun with little worries. I decided to keep a diary starting this year lest I forget the events which happened. And looking through it was kind of interesting. There were some entries written in frustration, some in sadness and others were full of joy and happiness. And of course there were things to regret about. But I shall dwell on that topic. It has been full of ups and downs.

I have officially moved on to the next phase. Wish me good luck. =)

mus

2008-10-30T13:36:00.000+08:00

Although I came back from Taiwan on the 26th, that day was not a joyous one. One of my peers died in a motorbike accident - Mustaffa. We reached Singapore at about 8 in the morning. The accident happened at 4 that same afternoon. When I first received the news, I thought it was a mistake and I didn't understand the SMS that was sent to me. Probably my denial to such an event.

Mus is a respectable person. He gained the support and respect of the men through friendship and not just being strict. He was very disciplined - always remember him doing crunches and push-ups in bunk before he slept. And his unforgettable ringtone that always ring in bunk. He did a lot in Taiwan, helping to keep the men in control. Very helpful and understanding person.

Sad that he just left us like that without saying anything. The last time I saw him was at a group photo in Taoyuan Airport. May you rest in peace.

movie alone

2008-09-21T05:41:00.012+08:00

Haven't blogged for quite a few months. Can say that I am lazy to. Tonight would be the 2nd time I watched a movie alone. Watched a romance movie "Boys Over Flowers" (花樣男子～FINAL～) at Cathay. Felt a little better after the show. Too many sweet scenes in the movie for me to be continuously depressed.

These few months weren't exactly great. Except maybe for that few days I spent in Tioman. Went through a lot of rubbish. Getting sick of the men - who keep giving me trouble. The best part, they don't see it because they only see their own individual problems. Collectively, they are a headache. Sometimes I wonder why my section is so problematic. In one book-in, I have 3 absentees, all from my section due to all sorts of reason. Some are obvious chao geng.

Feeling very down these few weeks. Fallen into my depression mood again. Can't seem to be interested in anything. ATEC stage 2 is starting coming Monday. I guess I can consider myself as ORD-ed after these 5 days.

Have a lot of mixed feelings, mainly negative ones that keep floating in my mind. Leaving the army soon, stepping out into society temporary before I enter university. Realised I can be quite an ignorant fool in society. Don't know simple general knowledge.

Honestly speaking, I feel very hesitant to find any more best or good friends. The feeling of disappointment just overwhelms me every time. When I thought I have found someone to pour my heart to, things just don't work out. The good friends that I have just don't seem to last. Ended up with a quarrel with ** that never resolved. And time didn't help the situation. Felt cheated, gullible and hurt because of **. ** didn't turn out to be who I thought he would be. ** was just passive in relationships, even in bgr. Think ** just finds me another friend. Maybe I expected too much from friends. "Through thick and thin, through the fire and waters" all these just seemed unpractical. In the end, I just find Man unreliable. Don't get offended if you see this because I just feel disappointed. And I am not a perfect man either.

Feeling very depressed. Don't feel appreciated many times. People either take it for granted or think I am stupid for doing those things. Since it doesn't really benefit me in the first place, why bother to do it, they say. I'm either naive or stupid. Wishfully thinking that others would be grateful to me. But what I do was actually redundant. Ever felt like wanting to help, but people think you're being extra. Or when after helping someone, he thinks that you should have done better. The feeling sucks. Only to make me feel more self-abased and useless.

I think I trust people too much. Rely on people too much.

Haven't blogged for quite a few months. Can say that I am lazy to. Tonight would be the 2nd time I watched a movie alone. Watched a romance movie "Boys Over Flowers" (花樣男子～FINAL～) at Cathay. Felt a little better after the show. Too many sweet scenes in the movie for me to be continuously depressed.

These few months weren't exactly great. Except maybe for that few days I spent in Tioman. Went through a lot of rubbish. Getting sick of the men - who keep giving me trouble. The best part, they don't see it because they only see their own individual problems. Collectively, they are a headache. Sometimes I wonder why my section is so problematic. In one book-in, I have 3 absentees, all from my section due to all sorts of reason. Some are obvious chao geng.

Feeling very down these few weeks. Fallen into my depression mood again. 怎么也打不起劲。 ATEC stage 2 is starting coming Monday. I guess I can consider myself as ORD-ed after these 5 days.

Have a lot of mixed feelings, mainly negative ones that keep floating in my mind. Leaving the army soon, stepping out into society temporary before I enter university. Realised I can be quite an ignorant fool in society. Don't know simple general knowledge.

Honestly speaking, I feel very hesitant to find any more best or good friends. The feeling of disappointment just overwhelms me every time. When I thought I have found someone to pour my heart to, things just don't work out. The good friends that I have just don't seem to last. Ended up with a quarrel with ** that never resolved. And time didn't help the situation. Felt cheated, gullible and hurt because of **. ** didn't turn out to be who I thought he would be. ** was just passive in relationships, even in bgr. Think ** just finds me another friend. Maybe I expected too much from friends. 什么有难同当、同甘共苦，似乎都不实际。到头来，只觉得人靠不住。 Don't get offended if you see this because I just feel disappointed. And I am not a perfect man either.

很郁闷。Don't feel appreciated many times. People either take it for granted or think I am stupid for doing those things. Since it doesn't really benefit me in the first place, why bother to do it, they say. 是我天真还是愚蠢。一相情愿觉得人家会感激我。而我其实所做的是多余的。Ever felt like wanting to help, but people think you're being extra. Or when after helping someone, he thinks that you should have done better. The feeling sucks. 只让我觉得更自卑、没用。

I think I trust people too much. Rely on people too much.

original
just english

Last week of PS Course

2008-03-23T00:46:00.001+08:00

I'm close to the end of my PS course. Relieved but at the same time, not prepared to return back to my unit. As a trainee, there were many things that I could forgo and not bother. But once I return back to my unit, I have to be responsible for quite a lot of things.

The whole PS course was not a total breeze but I am glad I made many new friends. My summary exercise in Tekong ended with me being the exercise PS. Well, I can say my instructor kept shouting at me telling me that I showed him nothing of a platoon sergeant. Everything was disorganised, there was no command and control. He doesn't see any effort put in by me. So that's how I ended my outfield in PS course. Whatever the case, I admit I did not put my best foot forward throughout the course. I see others show their capabilities and I do see a lot of good platoon sergeants or at least PSs with the correct attitude. Happy to see such people, I am also very proud of their achievements and believe they would go far in their unit life.

I took a very laid-back approach towards the course. Didn't do much. Disappointed in myself for not trying my best, but I have no motivation to do so. Have been very depressed many times throughout the course, but showed no one that side of me. Everyone just thinks I'm some childish, immature, full-of-crap person that I always show people. "A small boy" they call me. Yah, maybe so because they are like 3 years older than me. I'm sure many are familiar with that side of me. But I cannot tell how many times I drag myself to do things, how many times I am so depressed to do anything. Before I book in, I would be super moody. But when I enter camp and start talking to my bunkmates, I change to that delirious person that goes around irritating, ji3 xiao2-ing people. It just seems so natural to do so. I don't know what am I trying to show others. I don't know why I put up this mask before others. 强颜欢笑

Saddened already by the fact I am in this course, I have to live up to the expectations of a good platoon sergeant. I realise the many shortcomings I have, even as a commander. I am super forgetful. I lack the ability to control people. I have very slow reaction to situations.

Haven't been in church for close to a month. Don't know whether I should return. But it seems pointless that I go back. These few weeks, I just book out, stay at home, at my computer, then go back to camp. No life, no entertainment, no friends, nothing. I really don't know what to do to change all this. Life really sucks.

Untitled - Simple Plan

2008-01-28T00:52:00.000+08:00

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

January 2008

2008-01-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

January is about to end. I received news that I will have my PS course in February, 18 to be exact. Not exactly exciting news. This month was full of outfields which were wearing me out mentally and physically.

Last week was conventional training. Conclusion of that training - I don't like outfield. I did not do my best, but just the bare minimum. I got my first experience of footrot which brought my level of enthusiasm from little to zero. At that point of time, I just wanted to fall out, cause my foot hurt quite badly. I see wj doing a lot for his section, while I was just laid back.

This week was UO. Although many consider it a better alternative to conventional outfield, it was equally bad. It wasn't so much of the duration, but the intensity and the mental stress. So much so that I broke down in tears after one of the attacks. Obviously not in front of my men, but somewhere else. It was just chaos. I got PS and Frankie shouting at my men and me in anger throughout the attack, I need to lead my men to clear rooms, and I need to do collate sitrep after the whole attack cause my PS was down. All the other sect comds were down. Nas died at breaching, wj died at some grenade "rain". My section 2IC died in some freak malfunction of the weapon. Half the platoon was wiped out. My PC was as blur as me, and couldn't do anything to help the situation. All I had were 1 men from HQ, 1 from my section, 2 from section two. By the time I reached the last storey, I got so confused I thought there was a fifth floor above to clear. I felt embarrassed when I told my PS that I was preparing to go the next floor in front of others.

After everything, my "dead" PS then tell me that 1 enemy managed to escape cause the men didn't clear all the rooms, thus the mission was considered a null. That 1 enemy, in theory, wiped out the rest of the remaining 10 people who were alive, from our rear. I had a large group of spectators looking at me all the while. My OC, OC Alpha, 2 Alpha PCs, CSM Alpha, Frankie, my dead "PS" all overlooking the progress of the fight. How nice to realise that the mission failed because of one enemy overlooked. It was total devastation for me. Until now, I can't remember what exactly happened on the 3rd and 4th storey. During recovery, I was still in some sort of shock. I had no appetite to eat lunch although it was already 2.15pm. I just said I was going to the toilet and went away. I cannot describe the amount of stress I felt during that 2 hours of UO.

For some reason, my PS sensed something wrong and came looking for me. I couldn't hold back my tears and just started weeping in front of him. He blamed himself for shouting too much and being overboard. I just kept telling him it's not him but my own failure. I was disappointed in myself. My disappointment in being unable to compose myself throughout the fight. My disappointment in being unable to account for the number of people alive properly after the attack. How I wanted to tell him I should have let myself be killed early in the attack and be dead together with the other sect comds when I had the chance to. I wouldn't then need to face so much rubbish. He suggested to me to forgo the next attack but I told him I couldn't. If I did so, what would happen to my section? Sadly, I had to go on with the day whether I liked it or not. It struck me deeply that a section commander cannot show his true emotions in front of his men, because the men look up to the sect comd for encouragement and direction to fight a battle. If the sect comd shows himself to be lembek, the men would be uninterested to fight. If the sect comd is blur in the battle, the men would not have a direction. It's not easy to become a section commander.

Next week, I have another outfield again. Conventional.
I have no idea what to expect.
After Chinese New Year, my PS course would start.
I hope I can sustain.

2007

2008-01-26T23:33:00.000+08:00

Written this quite long ago.
Just didn't find time to post it.
Maybe that's an excuse:

2007 has passed and a lot has happened (obviously). When I look back at the year that just crawled by, it is very eventful. I still remember the days in the beginning of the year I told myself that I would not drift from God and would stay firm in my faith. However, looking at the current situation, I guess I have to admit my failure in doing so. In the beginning of the year, I was still passionate about church events and stuff. I tried my best to attend every service and choir practice there was. But by the end of the year, things changed. I am quite apathetic to the events of the church. I no longer read the Daily Bread daily, not even weekly or monthly. It slowly fell out of my routine and I only realise it now, sadly. Conclusion: I have drifted from God quite significantly.

I cannot put the whole blame on army life. It's my own laziness and weird obsession in occupying myself with army admin and nonsense stuff that's causing all these.

And it is this obsession that has led me away from my friends as well. I have lost touch with my JC and church friends. I feel very lonely at times, sad and angry at myself for not taking the effort to maintain relationships. It's saddening for me to realise that I get less and less in touch with many of my friends.

2007-12-23T13:56:00.000+08:00

i am such an idiot...

crunchyroll

2007-12-23T00:55:00.000+08:00

Have been quite bored at home. Momo told me about Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (花ざかりの君たちへ - Japanese Version), commonly known as Hana Kimi (花样少年少女).

Went to crunchyroll.com to watch. It's really funny. :)Here's the link for those who want to watch it. It's still airing in Japan so the series is not complete yet.

And another series recommended by Ming Hwee. Water Boys II. Haha! It's also not complete.

So if you are bored, you can watch them! :)

OCS Graduation Day

2007-12-16T00:49:00.000+08:00

Went for the OCS Commissioning Parade today. It was quite a spectacular event. An eye-opener indeed. Watching the proceedings however, made me reflect about a lot of things. I guess my POP wasn't that significant to me. Could see the joy in the cadets when the announcement was made. Happy for them. Another milestone in their lives made.

random

2007-12-14T11:05:00.000+08:00

I actually slept for 19 hours straight. Slept at 4pm yesterday, and woke up at 11am today. Didn't realise I was so tired. Haha...

Tmr is OCS Commissioning Parade...!

standby.. standby

2007-12-09T00:40:00.000+08:00

Alert Red 2NTM (2 hours Notice To Move) is over. No more turnouts every day. No more wearing of the same No. 4 for 7 days straight. No more carrying of 10kg of equipment up and down 5 levels twice every day. No more worrying of the men not bringing ID tag and FAD. No more worrying of men not packing the 10-pack items properly. Yeahz...

Now, my coy is preparing for Alert Red 4NTM. Haha... This standby thing is so mundane and monotonous. But at the same time, I don't really want it to end cause it will signify the time for me to go for PS course, which sucks.

Have been travelling east and west Singapore, back and forth these days.
Just a recap:
Thu aft book out - East to West (Selarang to Bukit Timah)
Fri morn comdr gathering - West to East (Bukit Timah to Kallang)
Fri aft go home - East to West (Kallang to Bukit Timah)
Fri night book in for RT - West to East (Bukit Timah to Selarang)
Sat morn book out - East to West (Selarang to Bukit Timah)
Sat evening ch gathering - West to East (Bukit Timah to Changi Airport T3)
Sat night go home - East to West (Changi Airport T3 to Bukit Timah)
Sun night book in - West to East (Bukit Timah to Selarang)

Hm... I think I spent more time travelling than doing other things.

Jeremy, Eugene and Xun is commissioning soon - congratulations to them! After 1 year in army, you finally get a rank. :) I guess all the training so far was worth it, yeah? 2LT..! I will prepare the rotten eggs and tomatoes... 151207!

Really quite bored these days, can't wait to book out of camp, but don't know what to do at home. Go out also got nothing to do. Stoning, sleeping, wasting my time away...

back from brunei

2007-11-08T22:44:00.002+08:00

Hello...! Finally back from Brunei. Have to say it was not a very easy time, but it passed quite quickly. Learnt more about my men through this trip. My upper studies have officially ORD, which means the coy is now upon the new comds. A new challenge lies ahead of me, as usual. My unit is now on standby and I am currently clearing some leave. Should be quite free these 2 months.

文萊的訓練雖然過了，可是我心裏還是很鬱悶、空虛。很想出去走走但一個人又不知道要做甚麽好。有點寂寞。

original
just english

the day

2007-10-16T17:48:00.000+08:00

Will be going to the airport in a few hours time. Spent the whole day at home, it's raining - as usual. Really sian, but I've got no choice. Will be back in about 3 weeks time. By then, guessed I would have changed somehow.

1 day to Brunei

2007-10-15T23:11:00.002+08:00

chi eng

明天，我就要去文萊了。心裏難免有點不開心。原本約好一些朋友去看電影，可是其中的一位看過了我們想看的電影。我們也搞不定要做什麽好。最後，沒去。然後想出去走走一下，可是下午下了一場雨，也沒去。看到雨，心裏想只希望文萊的雨不會太大。聽説在文萊年尾時，每天都會下雨——下雨量非常大。這幾天有很多的“本來”，本來想這麽做，但是最後總是有出入。本來想出去，後來下雨改變主意。這些改變讓我想到一首歌。歌詞講到 “生活一而再地阻礙我們。儘管我們嘗試但最終的計劃總是被改掉” (Life keeps getting in the way. Whenever we try, somehow the plan is always rearranged.)《Gotta Go My Own Way - Vanessa Hudgens & Zac Efron》最近心情不是很好，所以一直在聼較傷感、較emo的歌。又是呆在家的一天。

Lyrics | High School Musical 2 lyrics - Gotta Go My Own Way lyrics

2 days to Brunei

2007-10-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

chi eng

不知怎麽的，突然很“閑”。今天，和mh, qxls & ljls一起去荷蘭村逛逛。已經很久沒這麽做了。感覺還蠻開心的。可是，回家路程，我一直很分心。不知爲何，我定不下心來。

On my way to Brunei

2007-10-13T18:45:00.000+08:00

I'm currently 3 days away from Brunei. I got my off-in-lieu since Wednesday; stayed at home the whole day. Yesterday, went out with the bitch club members to VivoCity. Hm, after so long, Joanne and Serene still seem the same. I apologise that I forgot that they have already started university life and the campus they are in. I guess I have lost touch with the outside world. Then they mention to me that I have "no life". Hah. I guess I wasn't wrong about myself on that.

They asked me why I didn't catch up with the other girls and guys in St Andrew's. I couldn't quite answer that question. I quietened for a while, thinking, wondering how was I suppose to answer them. I just said I was busy. Then the subject changed. So I followed suit. Their question was quite thought provoking. I still can't quite answer it.

chi eng

雖然這週在兵營裏的時間還蠻短的，才不過兩天。可是，就連在兩天内，發生了一些不愉快的事。我在帶領我的軍排往伙房吃午餐的時候，如平常一樣，他們不肯好好地齊步走。結果出事了，被rsm捉個正着。他把我和wj罵了一頓后，警告我們如果下次再抓到我們不管好我們的軍排，我們倆和軍排都會被處罰。聼了後，我不僅對我的軍排，也對自己無法控制他們感到失望。

在我面前存在著一個很實在的問題：我必須能夠控制好我的軍排，至少我的軍班要服我，不然我在兵營裏的生活會十分痛苦。我反省自己是否對他們太好了，導致今天他們會爬到我頭上亂跳。我也很懊惱，該以什麽態度對待他們。jj 就建議我以我自己去對待他們，不刻意僞裝自己或扮壞人。可是，我還是不知如何是好。這些事情發生后，我出營時的心情不是很好。也對這次去文萊感到有點擔憂。因爲這次去文萊，我不只要受訓練，我也需要照顧我的軍班。就在這時，jy又告訴我關於他朋友在文萊僅僅10天發生的一些意外。有人在訓練中被樹刺刺到眼睛周圍的部分，流著血走到下一個標杆。我心想，我去文萊訓練不只10天，而是近3個星期。只希望不會發生意外。

我感到欣慰，我在兵營與同事相處很好。他們時不時都會幫我，尤其wj。感謝他常常幫我，在我忙於其他事時，代替我看顧軍排。

本來今天是要和朋友出去的，但他臨時有事，就去不成了。晚上呢，本來是要和lw練習一些詩歌，但他也是臨時有事。整天呆在家裏，很“閑”。這幾天在家裏發呆。又不知道找誰好。

很感謝那些關心我關於前些所寫的文章内容。我知道再埋怨也沒有，正在嘗試往好的方面想。

160907

2007-09-16T02:16:00.000+08:00

Hm... Seems like I have been missing in action for very long. Never found the time or mood to sit down and blog. As you may have realised, I am back from Taiwan already. (duh!) It was tough but at least it's over. Now I come to a stage of total horror when I realise I am in unit taking 2nd-year soldiers. I realise I got more chong-sua to do. More shit to go through. And I am going overseas again, not for a holiday but to Brunei for training. (Exactly 1 mth from today) How fun!

Seriously, the first day I went to report at my unit, I was just angry. Angry why I have to go through so much tough times in NS before and in the future. I see my friends having a much easier time. Some in airforce, some in combat engineer, some just clerk, some signals, some in unit as well, but taking 1st-year's, skipping atec, some better still, in bmtc. I am the only idiot in infantry, slogging my lungs out. My camp is in Changi, which is on the other side of the island from my house, taking more than an hour to get there.

I don't know how many times I have complained and complained about my ns but it is just that frustrating. I don't understand the reason where I am. I look around me, can't help but feel lonely because no one in my batch, no one I knew before ns is in the same situation as me. The feeling just sucks. But at the same time, I find it stupid of me, every time I meet up with my classmates, I complain. It reflects poorly of myself, it shows the lack of control of my temper, it shows how weak I am.

I can just geng my way out of everything. I question myself time and time again why I didn't ooc during bslc and aslc. All I know that did became clerks. I then realise that it was because during aslc, I had that small hope, an opportunity that I could be an instructor in sispec. Life wouldn't be that tiring. But it just collapsed the day I got my posting. I then ask myself again, was the silver bayonet worth it? Does it worth all the expectations others have of me in unit?

Honestly, every since I was back from Taiwan, my walk with God is just walking down the cliff. I feel empty inside. After missing church for close to 6 weeks, I just feel weird returning. Praise team is no longer how it used to be. I no longer join the youth fellowship. I go for service, then attend a choir practice which I don't really like, and then I am on my way home. No longer are the days I would stay in church the whole afternoon, just singing songs in the afternoon; relaxing in His presence. I just do what I have to do in church, and rush back home, to rush back to camp. I don't know the younger batches, don't know who's in what batch, how old they are. I am just slowly detaching from the church. What's best is next month I'm going overseas again. And I won't be back till my birthday is over. Another 3 weeks away from church. I don't know what's His reason for all these. It's very depressing. Depressing I can't find a place I belong to. It's just me and my darn computer. No life. That's what people tells me, I've got "No life".

Well, tomorrow I shall know which company I will be posted to. I don't know what to expect, will I be further pushed to a lone place.

我自己也不想整天埋怨。可是我很累，很空虛，很寂寞。

I am weak.

Taiwan

2007-07-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

I'm now minutes from flying to Taiwan and it sucks. I really fear of the outfield I have to go through. 15 missions within 7 days is seriously no joke. I really hope I can pull through and come back in one piece.

See you guys in 3 weeks time... :(

feeling down...

2007-07-16T14:09:00.000+08:00

These few weeks have been very tough on me. I haven't been out on Sundays for the past 2 weeks. This week I was out for half a Sunday. And the next 3 weeks I will be in Taiwan for training.

Feel very lonely not only because of all the stress I get in my course, but also because I don't get to do the things I used to do - like stay around in church talking to people, going out to watch movies. Now that I am having my off-in-lieu, no doubt it is a good thing. But I just come to realise that there isn't anyone I can ask to go out with other than my coy ppl. Not that I don't like that but I have been seeing them so much more often than the rest. Everyone is either in school, in camp or working.

Wanted to watch Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, believe it's going to be a great show since I like Harry Potter quite a fair bit. But I'm going to watch it alone, which is kind of odd. And if I do not watch it today or tomorrow, the only time I can watch it is after mid-August when I'm back in Singapore. Or if I am crazy enough to watch it in mandarin in Taiwan.

Field camp this week was bad. Horrible. During defence ops, I just sat at my shellscrape many times stoning, falling into sleep. I cannot think; was overwhelmed with things to do and the deadlines I have to meet. In pitch darkness, I lose my whole set of OHP markers. Borrowed from friends to first find it water soluble and unsuitable. Then again, to find the marker out of ink. I was seriously devastated. At that point of time, I was so exhausted I cannot do anything. I wonder to myself why God must do all that at that point of time. Why must I lose my OHP markers, and have to borrow twice just to get a simple, usable OHP markers? I then subsequently lose the claymore mine bag. Frantically searching for it. The instructors did not expect us to sleep for the night and had to dig fire trenches. I had to creep out at 4 or 5 am trying to find some stupid bag which I do not know how it went missing. The fatigue nearly killed me.

Finally when I just thought that grandslam will be over and I can go back to church after 2 weeks, some equipment was lost. Being a controlled equipment only meant that we had to be confined. Best of all, my platoon had to do it in the wee hours of the morning - right after grandslam just ended, how fun. Totally exhausted, we had to take the combat train back to the 12km route we took and re-walk the entire stretch. We started at 12, ended at 5am. I was practically sleep walking, which was dangerous. I ask myself once again, why God allow all these to happen that I can't go back to church?

用心愛祢

2007-06-06T00:53:00.001+08:00

多少次我不願再跟隨祢
只因爲道路難行
我疲倦而又沉重的步履
無法繼續

多少次我曾懷疑
只因不見祢帶領的手
祢卻呼召我
用心愛祢

愛是相信祢慈愛的意念
知道祢未曾離開
幫助我把重擔全然交給祢
因祢顧念我

這一次我將會走得更遠
因爲祢步步引領
這一生我要歌頌祢
用心愛祢

End of BSLC

2007-06-02T19:24:00.000+08:00

Yup... I know... It has been a very very very very very long time since I lasted posted an entry. Hm... Almost half a year ago. Sad to say I'm still stuck in army. Just finished my Basic Section Leader Course in SISPEC. (Congratulations to me...) And I am now going to embark on another fun and exciting journey in Advanced Section Leader Course.

Ah well... Honestly, I am not actually very happy about it. I kind of expected to be posted to ASLC but I'm not happy about it. On one hand, I know that I can go to Taiwan... But on the other, I realise the amount of rubbish I have to go through before I can even get my R&R of a few days in Taiwan. I just hope that I will be able to hang on through all these to get my sergeant rank.

In retrospect, I thank God for His guidance and protection these few months. I haven't suffered any major injuries or diseases during BMT and BSLC. Although I have to admit, I often complain and complain about why am I posted to this company, posted to this school etc. Things aren't exactly very smooth. I still remember the first few weeks in BMT, my mood really was bad. I came home hoping to get rest, but in the end get angered by my parent's insensitivity. They ridiculously blasted music at 8 am in the morning playing old Chinese New Year songs which were totally irritating, unaware that I was sick in the bed trying to get rest. But those days were over I guess. Over the course of about 5 months, I slowly adjusted to army life. Although used to it, I still don't like it. The amount of regimentation is really very tiresome. There were times I almost broke down, just want to hide myself somewhere, go AWOL or something. But I didn't of course, don't want to get charged for nothing.

At this point, I would like to wish all the people who just ended their BMT the best-est of luck in your next phase in army. Those who have already ended their 2nd phase - continue to press on! Those who are studying, give yourselves a good pat for pulling through the exams, now it's holidays!! Those who are working, though you have no holidays, no worry, you still have the weekends to chill.... Haha.... God bless...

army life

2007-01-11T07:43:00.000+08:00

Hello everybody. I haven't posted in a very long while. Never found the mood to.

I would say many things happened since A levels. I came to know my church friends better through the youth camp and as well as in Batam church retreat. Isaac and Edmund. Hung out with them very often these few weeks. Of course, I also went out a few times with moses and jeremy. I guess I found my time to rest for some time. These few weeks been out with mh, zac, qy, wong and the rest very often, and we had a fair share of fun which I'm sure they will agree.

Today is my day to enlist. How fun. Haha. Oh well, guess I have to go in one day, sooner or later.
To the guys who are still out there having fun, treasure it!
To the rest, I will miss you all for a while. The 2 weeks should pass quite quickly.

To mh, hm... I won't be able to see you off tmr so take care, which I believe you can.. yah? Moreover, you have 2 consultants at home, or 1 at least. Will see you after the 2 weeks ba... Maybe you will achieve the tan you wanted by then :P.

To lim zac, sharpening is necessary I guess, but don't let it dampen your spirit. Because after so, you can be used even more in a great way. Don't worry so much. Things come and go. What's left is only your memory. So... have a happy one.

To solomon, thanks for your gift and concern. I'll be back. haha.

To moses and jem who i don't think will read my blog, haha, i will see jem in 2 weeks if i have the chance... as for moses, you lucky lah.. go police.. haha.. won't be seeing you 2 for some time. Take care.!

A levels are near

2006-10-30T21:54:00.000+08:00

I haven't blog for some time. My father is fine I guess, just that he's bald now. He still looks healthy, and I do hope he stays that way. Read something from a chinese Christian magazine, 中信. Hope to share with you. Titled "There's No Wall You Can't Overcome" “没有爬不过的高墙”- 张世民

In Ireland villages, walls are usually carved out of stones, and are in height of about an average adult. An average child hardly can climb over it. It is a common sight to see groups of children playing in the fields right beside these rock walls. Their favourite game would be to find a very high wall, stand beside it, and throw their caps over to the other side of the wall.

Why do so? You may ask. Well, once they throw their caps over to the other side, they would try their very best, pushing themselves of ways to overcome the wall to retrieve their own cap. In addition, they would compete who gets his cap first. There's a Irish saying that only undisciplined children loose their caps. Knowing so, the children are determined to get their caps back!

The process of overcoming the wall can be said to be quite a challenging obstacle race. Everyone wrecking their brains, using all their wit and strength to climb over the wall. No one gives up halfway, no one backs out. At this point, you can easily see the determination, and never-say-die attitude everyone shows. At this point, each individual's potential and self-esteem is developed and explored.

In life's journey, it is inevitable to meet high walls. In modern context, this refers to the stress we experience in life. This includes stress from academics, examinations, promotions, in the area of our emotions, marriage, work, competition in our marketplace, relationships, trying to discipline our young, health, and the list goes on.

All this stress stack up to walls of great height, leaving those who meet it stressed out, breathless, and inferior. One starts to feel depressed and sulky. When stress is left piled up, and do not get dealt with properly, depression sets in, and may cause one to break down, and eventually cause one to end his own life.

As the saying goes, "Sadness harms, Depression kills". Many overly depressed people destroy their future, and ultimately put themselves in disadvantage. Medical reports state that most mental patients are so because of depression, anxiety, fear, grief, setbacks, disappointments and failures. They sink into an abyss that they are unable to get themselves out of, often and easily ending up in suicide.

Those who meet setbacks after setbacks, or are stuck in depression, often become numb to the surroundings. They feel that the future is bleak, and life is just meaningless, they are stuck in a hopeless and irreversible situation. Just like a high wall right in front of them with no way out. At this point, why not learn from the Irish children, regardless of the situation, just try to get over this wall, no matter what never say die! Once you overcome it, another stage of life will begin.

As the saying goes "In times of trouble, even dogs will jump over walls". When we are in trouble, at least try to get over the wall. Ways are paved out by man. Methods likewise are thought out by man. Problems definately can be solved, and there is no wall that cannot be overcomed. "A joyful heart is medicine, but a depressed soul drys bones." Carry a joyful heart facing this high wall, and all your troubles.

Nevertheless, the strength of man is limited, and there will be times when we are just feel inadequate, whilst given a heavy load to bear, left helpless in need. This is when seeking help from parents, teachers, friends or professional psychologists is necessary. Be it wisdom, experience, or just general advice, some encouraging words can help one to walk out of dark times.

Even when the whole world seems to have left you behind, God is still there. "God is there when man are at their wits end." When you see no light in front of you, or trapped in a corner, why not stop and meditate for a while. Learn from the Irish children, throw your cap over the wall. Give yourself motivation. This implies a deeper meaning, that is to give authority over your life to God, humbly pray before Him, and let Him guide a way out for you, or let Him give you a hand, to overcome this high wall. And let Him bring you the surprise in dark times.

As compared to atheists, Christians are at a better advantage. At least in times of peril, there is a strong arm we can rest upon, living by faith on His grace to over every high wall and walk through safely the valley of death. 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you!" Jesus also promised "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (1 Cor 12:9) Those who are depressed can cast all their fears and worries to Jesus, live by His grace, for the weak shall be strong, sadness shall turn to joy. With such strength, there is no wall that one cannot overcome!

urgh!

2006-10-02T23:35:00.000+08:00

I cant believe it.....! My father just confirmed its stage four......

It's so f***ing irritating.....! URGHHHHHHHHHH

彷徨

2006-09-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

几天前，星期一，我爸进医院动手术。医生发现他心脏部位有些异形细胞，要抽出来化验。手术成功。

今天，我刚得知那些细胞是癌细胞，有扩散到他肺部。第三阶段。(Malignant Thymoma, 3rd Stage)

我心很痛，很痛。我心中的悲，我说不出来。我想像不到我家庭会遇到这种事，我想像不到为什么要在我考试时期发生。我不懂未来，我心很痛。

记得秋香老师跟我讲，今年尾，A水准逼近的时候，我将面对的试验会是我在BT2考试时来的更艰难。她告诉我必须在接下来的日子督促自己，准备自己。不断禁食、祷告。

我作到了啊。。。我有禁食啊。。。我真的有禁食啊。。。可是我没有料到会那么严重。我担当不起，我承受不起。祢未免太苛刻了吧。我很彷徨。

属灵征战。。。听很多次了。。。经历过几回了。。。我累了。。。

对不起，我没心情翻译。。。

proving my point

2006-09-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

A few days back, heard from my teacher an RJ person committed suicide. Heard he/she couldn't take the teacher's scolding. I wonder what actually happened... He/she travelled to Woodlands to jump. Wow, has this become the latest craze..?!?! :|

Soon after that, I heard of a friend who has been quite depressed for close to a month, and questions about life, and the point of living. Quite sianz... This world once again proves how fragile life is.

a level timetable error

2006-09-20T22:39:00.000+08:00

I realise the subject codes are wrong for physics and chemistry.
Physics 9246
Chemistry 9251

I have updated the files as follows...
Phy Chem Econ Math: Click here
Phy Chem Math: Click here

A song to share

2006-09-19T23:27:00.000+08:00

A song that my friend, Edmund, composed quite some time ago.

click:
中文　原词 Original Chinese
English

chem 1

2006-09-19T21:10:00.000+08:00

finally, it's the last day of the prelims. Don't really know whether I'm suppose to be happy because this only means that A levels is up next. Sianz.

Suddenly wonder the fragility of life, and all the mishappenings that have been appearing. Quite a few people died these two years that are related to me directly or indirectly - by age, school, religion, friend, or relative.

Found out the reason why some of them died (other than disease-related or natural ones) and just feel sad, for them. Sometimes, I find it understandable for their decision regardless of how stupid it was. But I guess, under severe stress and chronic depression, no one thinks straight. No one bothers about rationale, why suicide is a stupid choice, no one cares about the world. About the vj boy who killed himself, heard from my friend, who seeks the same psychologist as him, he didn't kill himself because of his genitals were like what the media said (exaggerated) in his will. Possible reason he stated it because it was just one of the things that was going through his mind at that time of severe depression. He refused medication, and obviously when he was writing his will, he wasn't thinking straight. Wrote that in his will and the media made a big hooha (realise that hooha is a proper word, in british english) about it. Whatever lah. I think the media is horrible. However juicy this news is, the boy is still under 18. I think his privacy should be respected the least, that he is still considered a junior or minor. You think about it yourself. Who will kill himself just because his genitals are too small?

Obviously there are so many attributing reasons to it. I believe you have experienced it before and you would agree with me it is rare that you become depressed due to a single reason. Usually it's a whole lot of problems happening all at the same time, you feel helpless, you feel lonely, you want care, concern, from people that you feel you should get them from (but you don't). You shout, scream, cry, to no avail because the problem is not solved by doing so.

So why must the media exaggerate the genitals portion of his will. And not look into other areas, like his social life, his stress level, his family problems, his self-image in terms of his emotional, (in this case) physical, or even spiritual sense. Is the human mind is so simplistic? We are not animals. We don't live to eat, reproduce and die.

Apparently, when one is in severe depression, he does not think straight. Believe me, so what if no one felt that he showed no symptoms of suicidal thoughts. He would have showed it but the world around him is just too oblivious to it. To wait till his death, then say that "it was so sudden" is just an excuse. An excuse to cover up how indifferent the world can be to anyone's emotional needs. However, it's not the world's fault. Everyone is just too busy with whatever they have to do; work and studies. Who can afford to be sensitive? The only entitled people to be sensitive are irritating girls, and gays. Girls who are over-sensitive are considered irritating or even ridiculous. Guys who are over-sensitive are just gay. Who wants to be sensitive?

Please don't be fooled by how simplistic the human mind is shown by the media. Drama serials are drama serials because they are drama. News are news because they are of worth mentioning to get attention, an audience. A simple emphasis on an aspect of life, such as those touched on, by drama serials, like divorce, marriage, suicide, does not illustrate enough how complex the process is. Divorce don't happen overnight like how drama serial portrays it. Drama serials don't show the element of time. The in-between process that drive one up to a decision; tragedy or happiness.

The world is obsessed with results, while the involved party is with process. When you don't get results in your exams, do your future employers care about the hard work you put in? NO. You are the one that is frustrated, angry about how hard you studied but to no corresponding result. When someone commits suicide, do onlookers bother about the process why it led to this outcome? NO. They only know, can talk about the immediate cause, the appeared reason. The one who is dead, is the one who is grieved by the process he has gone through. The sadness he went through till he made is decision.

I am not promoting suicide. I just feel that we should investigate, and understand the process that led to this outcome. Not just be obsessed with the result - all to prevent similar occurances, similar possible re-enactments. But then again, this requires someone who is sensitive. Ironic.

Realise this has nothing to do with my title - chem 1. But it's sad, and depressing the world is screwed up; imperfect. And we are in it.

By the way, blogger is down for 15 minutes on 19 sept, 3 am (singapore time) as noted on status.blogger.com.

prelim - chem 3

2006-09-12T00:59:00.000+08:00

hm... Today, I woke up really early, at about 5 or 5:30. Made some last minute studying. After that, I went early to school for morning worship, at 7am. One of the really rare times when I actually reach school before 7:25am. Really needed the time, the worship to calm me down. I was panicking lah. I did not touch chemistry for the whole september holidays only until Sunday night. Rushing like mad.

Fortunately, the paper was not that difficult. I wasn't really pulling my hair or anything. In fact, I finished rather early cause I had planned to do each question within 15 min, which was actually a rush. In the end, I did finish the paper. But I realise I may have a lot of mistakes. Haha. Not because I was careless, but I thought I was correct, to find out that my concept was slightly wrong. As for food chem and inorganic chem, I was crapping. While momo was discussing what bacteria name he wroted down to describe the making of yoghurt, I was just wondering how funny it would be as I wrote down as my answer. "The bacteria in the yoghurt changes lactose to an acid." Haha. Inorganic chemistry was the time when I was quite confused, still not sure in my concept, so I just crapped what I could think of.

Really felt relaxed after the paper. I seem to be very relaxed after every paper. At least another paper is gone. Not very confident of getting any As for the subjects this time. Hopefully this is NOT the case for As. Maybe I'm just stressing myself too much, maybe I am suppose to get such results, maybe it's time I study Physics for tomorrow...

reality check

2006-09-01T18:12:00.000+08:00

I think by now you would have noticed the 2 clocks on my blog. One above, counting down to the first A LEVELS paper!!!! which is GP (2 nov), IN ABOUT TWO MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!
The other, just to tell you the time.

I went to the SEAB website and found out the timetable for the upcoming A levels. And 15 Nov, wed is the most horrible day for me with Econs paper 1 and 2 and Physics 3. What a day...

You must be wondering when is your last day of exam. That will be...
15 nov who take phy or econs,
17 nov who take chem,
20 nov who take hist or f maths,
22 nov who take eng lit,
or 23 nov who take bio.
And obviously the more of the above subjects you take, the later you end.

And expected, the *** s papers end late. The latest would econs s, 27 nov. Poor serene. I "fortunately" will end on 24 nov.

I have some timetables which you can use if you want...
Phy Chem Econ Math: Click here
Phy Chem Math: Click here
If there are any problems with the timetable, pls tell me. Thanks.

All the best for 'A's and get your As....! Haha. :)
Meanwhile, I will try to study for my prelims.

And before I end off, HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY to all the teachers!!!
Currently: mdm lee, ms wong, mr lee, jiwen, ms wong, ms yeo, mr lum and mr chay!!!!

prelim - chem econs

2006-08-31T01:53:00.000+08:00

hm... chemistry and economics paper today. I think econs was quite hard. Although I could do the essays, but I am quite sure I won't do well for 2 of them and fail the last essay. I could not think of the points to write. However, I felt I have done my best. Similarly for chemisty, I was really tired, couldn't study, but I still felt I done my best. Thank God that I was able to compose myself before the paper began. If not I think I would have freaked out or something. The paper was relatively easy but a lot of careless mistakes were made on my part. Moreover, the simpler topics came out for paper 2. I think paper 3 would be quite a challenge.

Tomorrow, or later, rather, is Teacher's Day. I did not prepare anything for anyone. Don't even think I am going to school. Just stay at home and slack ba. Just changed blogskin. Hope it looks much more vibrant than the previous dark colours.

Although prelims are not over yet, but after today, I feel much relaxed. But I know very soon during Sept holidays, I have to force myself to study again. Haiz.

*Updated "God's Word For You"...

prelim - maths

2006-08-30T02:17:00.000+08:00

hello everybody... haven't been blogging for a very very long time... quite busy lah... Maths paper I just ended today. I realised my maths was not as strong as I thought it would be. Did not finish the last 2 question. Upon seeing the time of 30 minutes left, I sort of panicked. Cannot think straight. Just keep rushing and rushing but in the end cannot get the answer for the last 30 minutes. It is like wasting time.

Yesterday's Physics paper was already quite demoralising. To think that my stronger subjects Maths and Physics did not do as well as I expected. Maybe it's just because I did not study hard enough. Today must study for chemistry and econs paper and the *** econs paper is 2.15 hrs. Really don't want to end up sitting there staring at the paper for 2.15 hrs. I have been studying econs since 10 and its 2am now. I havent touch chemistry at all. Really don't know what is going to happen later. Very sianz.

Very shag now. Early on, I took some coffee to force myself to stay awake. Because thurs and fri can rest, no sch - teacher's day. But apparently, it's very difficult to study now!!!!I really I have a lot to catch up for economics, unimaginably a lot. My macroeconomics is very bad, microeconomics I need to revise but no time. This is such a wake up call. Haiz.

Hopefully everyone is able to catch up with their work. jia you for this last sprint before A lvl's come. I think when it actually comes, i will just die. Nevertheless, all the best to everyone!

another instance mixed feelings

2006-07-28T23:50:00.000+08:00

hmm... i dun feel as bad as before... but still kinda sad... quite contradicting... very soon... my jc-life will end... i wun be studying for the next 2 years... but instead be in training... i will leave jc and enter the army... friends that i have made in these 2 years... may not last till the next 2 years... i dunno what's going to happen... kind of feel nostalgic... i keep thinking how our class will be when a lvls is over... even more dispersed than now...? quite sad... just when friendship seem to strengthen within these last lap of the race... before u noe it the finishing line approacheds and it ends abruptly at a lvls... i doubt there would be a real class outing, where the whole class will appear... neither will there be a chance for the whole class to be together like how we are in the classrooms nw...

come to think of it... i din really do much these 2 years... my jc life, quite boring... i spent so much time in church last year... that i forgo my cca camps and events... that now, i dun even noe what to write for my school grad cert... i am neither committed in sports club... nor in co-op... my jc-life is nothing more than just being a treasurer that help the class collect all the notes... and collect money... a person who is expected to give notes on time... and have to listen to all the announcements about which notes are ready for collection... bother about how much money is there in the class fund... and how much must i 倒贴...

moreover... jc-life havent end... i see the friendships in my class breaking... bran and ben... haiz... 恐怕即使要让时间来弥补也都来不及了。。。 why, why... i feel rather sad this time... i mean... during pri sch... still gong, i din really bother much about leaving the sch... secondary sch... i din really like 401... brings me only bad memories... but a memorable cca... both in the positive and negative sence... now in jc... i have a better class... a class that i can feel happy in... but it lasts only 2 years... as for cca... i cant expect anything... i myself din even put in effort to make it my cca...

真的很舍不得大家，但我看大家现在只顾着准备prelim... i think how the class will be during a lvls would be quite depressing ba... sparse and distant...

Clarissa and Amanda... the duo that always skip lessons... MAC members...
Lay Yoong... the sporty volleyball gal...
Serene K... the small rabbit that bites hard...
Elsa Leong... the studious gal...
Michelle... "chicken backside"...
Serene Quek... the flautist who doesnt like her chinese name... bitch club member...
Seah Yu Qian... 最忠实的SHE粉丝!!!
Fidelis... the one who is always firm in her beliefs... and has self-whitening skin...
Joanne... madame tan... "baris sedia!!!!".... bitch club member...
Piak Loo... piak 死人啦。。。
Jin Yan... bitch club president!!!... also a flautist... nice person to tok to...
Brandon... "eh... what's ur size today..."
Benjamin... 潘泽明... a no-chinese attitude... bitch club member...
Pun Hon... the dark malay-look-alike athelete... who do things slowly... but do sports like a bullet...
Darryl... "brudder-sia-lah"
Imran... "testing you lah..."
Fey Mun... "the snuff-er"...
Wei Jing... "eh... dun play play ah..."... the guy with the cheeky smile...
Jonathan... "johnny-bapok"... always joking, fun-loving guy...
Marcel... member of MAC pontang club... always owe class-fund...
Jason... the canadian singaporean...
Moses... the unique drummer that nvr fails to ask...
Jeremy... the smart atheletic musician that answers...
Cheng Hong... the quiet smile-r... can join smileS2006 for IMF...

mdm lee... chem... the auntie... the teacher "older" than ms yeo
ms wong... gp... the sweet and nice teacher...
mr lee... phy... the obscenely friendly teacher... friendly, but funny... but friendly... "how can you say ur teacher is obscene?"... damn bad leh you...
jiwen... chinese... the muscle-man from shanghai...
ms wong... me, econs... the nice lady who treats us fruits...
ms yeo... maths... the really screechy teacher... that scolds...
mr lum... pe, pw... generally strict teacher that has a fun side...
mr chay... pe.. the slacker... :x...

2 songs to share...

2006-07-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

两首从《刑警二人组》的歌
Find them very nice...

click:
刮目相看-曹格
重来-李圣杰

One month has passed....

2006-07-13T02:58:00.000+08:00

for those who keep tellin me not to blog in chinese - click:
chi
eng

不知不觉过了一个月。我在六月假期大部分没有什么休息到。只是在拼命地读BT2。很sian...

六月头一个星期，我去了济南：玩得非常开心。至少离开了新加坡，在那里我认识到了一群很友善的中国朋友。其实，中国学生并非我们想象中的那么坏。我们虽然只在那间学校待短短两天，但是他们的热情却令我们很惊讶。他们似乎非常非常地欢迎我们到他们学校参观，了解他们学校的上课情形。很乐于和我们交朋友。在中国，汽水比啤酒还要贵，但他们还是不吝啬地请我们喝。我们第二天要离开的时候，他们也把他们最珍惜的东西送给我们当作见面礼。我收到了一本记事簿。听说那是他们那一班以前赢了比赛后得到的奖。他们自己不舍得用却送给了我们。看到他们那么的友善，自己感到惭愧。试想如果这些学生到了新加坡，我们新加坡学生又会以什么样的眼光看待他们呢？是瞧不起他们吗？

我也认识几位一起参加这次旅游的学生。比起去年，这团队的学生彼此之间较少陌生感。大家都相处得很好，一路上有说有笑的。回来新加坡后，我们还是有出去看电影啦、吃饭等。

玩了一个星期后，我恶梦开始了。接下来的三个星期，我几乎每天都到捷恩家读书。幸好还有玩一些羽毛球，篮球之类的，不然实在很无聊。我花了两个星期读物理。我也不知怎么搞的，花了那么久的时间读物理。自然的，我已较少的时间读完化学、数学和经济。我没心情读书，但我一想到时间不多了，BT2 就在几天后，况且BT2后又未必有时间再温习这些内容，我就苦读。

偏偏就在这几个星期内，发生了一连串不愉快的事。我离开了城市丰收，跟朋友有争执。我不是在指那些因为琐碎的小事而你争我打，而是牵连到一大堆东西的问题，我过去，我经历过的事。虽然当时在别人面前我装着没事，但我很难受。我很烦。我已经有考试得应付了，我为什么在这个时候还要管这些问题？我尝试搁置它们，但没用。我读书的当儿，它就偏偏浮在我脑海中。强颜欢笑不是一件好玩的事。在面对这些问题时，我不能跟任何人诉苦。因为谁知道了也帮了我，知道了也未必是件好事，反而把事情弄得更复杂、更那难堪。

我被我的孤寂淹没了。我这几天的情绪很不稳定。时不时就发脾气。一下子开心，一下子忧愁。我控制不了我情绪。你讲我pms也好，mood swing也好，可是我真的控制不了。我也不想啊！谁不想开开心心过日子？谁不想无论遇到什么问题都往好的方面去想？我很想找人讲话但谁那么得空？我又要谈什么？我能说什么？还不是那些无谓的事，"How's your block test results?", "What are we doing for tutorial tmr?", "Why you look in a daze?", "What's the next lesson?" 这些问题你听了觉得熟悉吗？我讲话离不开这些话题，在讲废话。我前几天虽然十一点多就睡但我还是很累。请你，请你千万不要因为读了这些后，突然开始对我说话，还是打电话或什么的。That's not what I want. 我只不过在尝试发泄罢了。

One month has passed, I spent most of my time in the June hols just studying like mad... very sian.

First week of june, i went to jinan for a tour, a holiday of some sort. Had lots of fun there, at least i was away from singapore. away from all the crap. There I made quite a few chinese friends who were very friendly. I realised they don't really fit the stereotypes we assume of them. Although it was just a 2-day visit, but they really treated us very well. It was as if we were very very important guests. And they were very eager to show us their school campus and school life there. They were very eager to befriend us. In china, soft drinks are more expensive than beer. Even so, they still treated us soft drinks during meals. When we were leaving, there was a gift exchange. They gave us something that was very important/precious to them. I received a notebook. I heard that it was actually won by the class in a competition. The whole class didn't bear to use it. But yet they gave it to us. Seeing how friendly they are, i feel awkward. I realise that if these people were actually in Singapore, i cannot imagine the stares they will get.. or how people will despise them etc...

The group of students on this tour, compared to last year, were more friendly. Everyone hit off quite well, this made the trip pretty enjoyable. Even after returning to Singapore, we still have some outings to watch movie, and eat.

After all the fun, my nightmare began. The following 3 weeks were basically spent at Moses' house studying. At least we played a bit of badminton and basketball, or else it would really be very dreadful. I spent 2 weeks studying physics. I don't know why but i actually took such a long time to study physics... This obviously meant that i spent much lesser time on chem, maths and econs... I really was in no mood to study... but the thought that bt2 was in just a few days time scared me. I realised there wasnt much time after bt2 to go through these topics in again. I just force myself to...

These few weeks weren't exactly very fun. I left City Harvest, and so-called quarrel with a friend. I'm not talking about trival matters that spark off quarrels... but those that have many implications, about my past, what happened to me. I tried to put on a front, but i am very frustrated. I don't understand why i have to deal with all this when i cant even handle my exams. I tried to put them aside, but they just keep popping back into my head. Putting on a happy front isn't fun. i cant tell anyone... cause no one can help me... the more people know, the more complicated the issue becomes... the more awkward it becomes...

i am overwhelmed. i am getting very impatient. My mood fluctuates like mad. i flare up easily. i can be happy a moment, and sad the next. i cant get a hold of myself. u can say i having pms, or mood swing, or whatever, but i din ask for it.. k... i just want a happy life... be positive about everything.. but i barely can... i wan to talk to someone but who? who's so free? even if there is, what am i to tok about? all the time i just ask stupid qns like "how's your block test results?, "what are we doing for tut tmr?", "why you look in a daze?", "what's the next lesson?" i find myself toking rubbish... for the past few days i've been sleeping at about 11 but i still feel tired... pls dun suddenly tok to me, or call me after reading this... that's not what i want... i'm just trying to vent my feelings... if it helps...

countless thoughts...

2006-05-22T01:34:00.001+08:00

Firstly, sorry for the late blog update. Secondly, if anyone finds me a bit cranky, suddenly "high", suddenly very out-of-point, doing wierd stuff like laughing all of a sudden, sending wierd sms-es these few days.... i apologize.

I think it would suffice for me to say that the past 2 to 3 weeks has been a very emotional time. I have to deal with my past which I believe is something that has never ever happened to most of you. I am not saying that my past is the most dramatic of all but at least I can tell that for the vast majority of the people I know, they have not experienced these. I have decided to put down my past, in the process and trying to put down my past. I don't know if I am actually able to do it, but I know He will help me. I am putting my faith in God now. I have no other choice better.

Through these times, I realise that honesty is very important. If one decides to continuously lie, or hide truth, it is really very tiring. 很辛苦。It is not as if I have to announce to the whole world my past, but hiding it from others, dealing it all alone, is very painful. Thankfully, by God's grace, I am able to deal with it now.

I have been a very self-consciencious person. 自卑... I constantly find myelf needing of assurance from people. Maybe that's the reason why I find myself studying hard, so that at least people can praise me for my results. But to me, it's not enough. To the people who were playing basketball on thursday, I'm sorry for my reluctance to play. The reason most probably is my inferiority acting up, I see people like ph, jam, momo, bc, john, playing so well in sports, something i suck in, i feel discouraged... My physical status is not of very fit sort, I may be healthy, but not very fit. At least I can say, I have quite slow reflexes. Always get laughed at for that in sec sch. All the while, from upper pri to sec, i have been quite fat, never gotten the will to loose weight, hardly ever exercise. At that time, find it very pointless, why sweat so much. Now I realise, it can be actually be quite satisfying to sweat it out. A person's physique can be someone's pride. But, don't think I have the time to pick up a sport now. I can't do sports. I will try if I can ba.

I find it really quite funny, I went to the extent of buying a bottle of wax, to make myself look better, feel better. In the end, I don't know how to use it. You can laugh at me for that, I understand. It's quite stupid actually. I never actually bothered how I look in the morning. From pri to sec, i think i only styled my hair like for the most about 14 days or so (for fun anyway). Go around asking people how to use it, the guys just say, as you like lor, but what do I like? It seems like everytime I style my hair, people say its ugly, unless I plainly spike it when my hair is short. When i wear particular clothes, some people tell me its nice, some people tell me its ugly, i look like ah peh. I get confused. You may say I should wear what I am comfortable with. But, I am very affected by the comments, how people look at me. I'm too self-consciencious to be comfortable. I know I have to find myself, be comfortable with myself. But, it's still easier to talk.

If anyone actually realised, I have lost quite a bit of weight within these few weeks, about 2 to 3 kg, something that is quite drastic for me. I'm quite happy though, I'm losing weight. Regardless how much you may agree or disagree, I think I'm fat. Not in absolute terms but fatter than what I hope I am. Weaker than what I hope I am.

I don't know if I expect too much of myself. I am really stressed. I am starting to break after the commencing of the s paper trainings. I cannot even keep up with my studies, be it lecture or tutorials, moreover s paper. I've come to realisation, in my horror, i have an equivalent of 6 A-subjects. Honestly speaking, my grades have deproved, if there's such a word, since last year. I am very disappointed with that. My parents haven't said anything, I don't know why. I sleep late, wake up late, go to sch late. Mdm Lee yelling at me for stupid reasons. Quite screwed up. I don't know if I should drop any subjects, but people keep telling me I can do it. Others tell me, 不要不自量力。 So what's the conclusion, "I write a letter to cambridge telling them I cannot do A lvls because I am uncertain? Obviously not!" - Mdm Lee. Haha.. On a serious note, I don't know lah.

我很羡慕，很羡慕我周围人的生活。甚至嫉妒，嫉妒他们的成就。我知道我不应该。但我很懊恼。我痛恨我过去。我要一个完美的生活，但那是不可能的。即使要完美的未来，要争取的话，我一定得付出代价。我付得起吗？我不知道。我很矛盾。还是那句话：现在我对我人生中的每个决定都没有把握，不知道哪一次又是一个惨痛的经验。我不知如何走下去，我不敢。That is hum.

quiet time....

2006-05-12T14:08:00.000+08:00

for christians who read this blog... have something that i find very encouraging placed under "moment" below... i will update it once in a while... original text is in chinese... if i have the time, i would translate it...

2 beautiful stories to share with everyone

2006-05-08T21:54:00.000+08:00

I found these in my email today... just to share...

There was once this guy who is very much in love with his girl. This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes as a gift to his girl. Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his future didn't seem too bright, they were very happy together.

Until one day, his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told him that she cannot visualize any future for the both of them, so they went their own ways there and then... Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself.

Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends, this guy had set up his own company. You never fail until you stop trying. One rainy day, while this guy was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella in the rain walking to some destination. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize they were his girl's parents.

With a heart in getting back at them, he drove slowly beside the couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan. He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more; he had his own company, car, condo, etc. He made it! What he saw next confused him, the couple was walking towards a cemetery, and so he got out of his car and followed...and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone and he saw his paper cranes right beside her... Her parents saw him. He asked them why this had happened.

They explained, she did not leave for France at all. She was ill with cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday, but she did not want to be his obstacle... therefore she had chosen to leave him. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. She had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings him to her again...he can take some of those back with him... Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever.

The guy just wept...The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside her knowing you can't have her, see her or be with her ever again... hope you understand. Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to you, for you might wake up one morning losing that person who you thought meant nothing to you.

KINDNESS Pays!
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.

He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness."

He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, and then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all.

Finally, she looked, and something caught; her attention on the side as she read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed:

"Thank You, GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."

untitled

2006-05-02T22:06:00.001+08:00

The general election is coming. I personally find it quite stupid actually. Throughout the whole campaign, i hear nothing but lift upgrades. Is general election only about that? It was the same situation the last election in 2001. 无聊透顶...

Saints Ascencio is this friday. I am quite looking forward to it actually. It has been quite a while since I have attended a band performance. Hope that this would not disappoint me. Doubt it would actually. After seeing all the hard work jy, jam, momo, and quek have been putting in, it should be a great performance, yeah? Meanwhile, while preparing for the performance, 加油，可是别加太多，会滑倒... -_- Anyway, what I mean is that you guys beware of overworking yourselves. Rest is still important, and it goes a long way!!! Been there, done that.

Have you ever get lost in your thought? I think I do, too often. This morning, I was just sitting at the bus stop. On this rare occation, my eyes were wide open - staring into blank space. My mind was just full of thoughts. I was half awake when my maid woke me up and I was like running about on a webpage, jumping from hyperlink to hyperlink. ???? What is that? I don't know. Sitting at the bus stop, I just looked around. I see a primary school boy, I start thinking about his future - what he will be when he grow up? How do people like Chee Yang grow up? Did they ever think they will achieve so much nationally? What is he doing now? How do people like him live their lives every day?... ... It just goes on and on, thinking and thinking continuously. To think that I do that very often, too often it starts to scare me. I don't know when will the day come my mind will mix up imagination and reality. I don't know when will the day come I will just drown in my thoughts and never snap back into reality. I don't know when will the day come I will go mentally unbalanced. What is happening to me? If "a penny for your thoughts" counts, I think I'd been a millionaire.

Personally, I feel that 珊瑚海 has very beautiful lyrics.

珊瑚海-周杰伦Jay　粱心颐Lara

海平面远方开始阴霾
悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上　始终挟带
一抹浅浅的无奈

你用唇语说你要离开（心不在）
那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水　你听明白
不是浪而是泪海

转身离开（你有话说不出来）
分手说不出来　海鸟跟鱼相爱
只是一场意外　我们的爱（给的爱）
差异一直存在（回不来）
风中尘埃（等待）竟累计成伤害

转身离开（分手说不出来）
分手说不出来　蔚蓝的珊瑚海
错过瞬间苍白　当初彼此（你我都）
不够成熟坦白（不应该）
热情不再（你的）笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海

毁坏的沙雕如何重来
有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切　结束太快
你说你无法释怀

贝壳里隐藏什么期待（等花儿开）
我们也已经无心再猜　
面向海风　咸咸的爱
尝不出还有未来

"悲伤要怎么平静纯白", "毁坏的沙雕如何重来　有裂痕的爱怎么重盖"
Isn't it true?
When is misery ever simple? How can you reassemble someone's hard work and sweat? How can you ever cover a hurt, an open wound in love?
"海鸟跟鱼相爱　只是一场意外"
Seagulls eat fish. That's a fact. How can they ever fall in love? Even if they can, how long will it last? How long can they ignore the social norms they exist in to like each other? Social norms... There I go again in my deep thoughts...

project work again...

2006-04-21T01:17:00.000+08:00

hm... another one... :/

sajc pw....

2006-04-18T23:35:00.000+08:00

lol... read for urself...

mixed feelings...

2006-04-15T01:42:00.000+08:00

today... went to visit nona... at first i tot only 4 ppl going... but in the end about 1 third the class went... that is quite comforting... our class cares for each other... :)...

after the visit, went to daryl's house... found it quite big... there, momo, ben, bran, daryl went to play mahjong... hmm... very rowdy... and loud... meanwhile i just read the newspaper... and found some horrible father who has 10 wives and 66 children... and has raped 5 daughters cause he feels that he own them... disgusting... when on trial, he then acknowledge that he had the wrong thinking... what a "loving" father... after that, i read a bit of readers' digest... haha... nth else to do mah...

later during the day... somehow... a small pillow fight occured... lol... very funny that is... daryl needed to go out... so we left his place... and shopped for a while at junction 8... before going to jj's house to watch aeonflux...

quite a normal day... but the feeling in the morn and afternoon was strangely different... on one hand, i am sad about nona's incident... but quite happy that the class is quite together... i had a little time out of daily routine... hm... i sound quite weird today...

:\...

2006-04-14T01:16:00.001+08:00

today izzen really a pleasant day... early in the morning we received bad news... then following that we got our pw results...

before the official results of my class was released... we heard news that only eight ppl in sa got band 1...then we were so sure that it must have been 8%... to our horror we realise many classes got band 3... when its time to announce the results... mdm lee still had the mood to play the american idol style way of announcing the results... :\.... happy that i got a 2... thank God for that...

these two things very depressing liao... i think it's a shock to everyone... everything happened too fast... for even anyone to react properly... everyone overwhelmed with sadness... can tell the mood of the class wasnt gd...

只不过过了短短的四个月。。。我身边已有两个丧事。。。我也不知是好。。。要相信祂并非只是口头上的承诺。。。我信心不足。。。甚至开始感到麻木。。。我常常告诉自己。。无论如何我不可以变成一个麻木的人。。。可是我身边的两个丧事似乎对我情绪上的影响不大。。。我心里只是淡淡的悲。。。知道照理来讲我应该安慰丧家。。。但我无法发出内心地为他感到难过或伤心。。。看到同学会为彼此哭、一起悲痛。。。我很感动。。。请原谅我无法这么做。。。我麻木了。。。

“你们所有劳苦担重担的人哪，到我这里来吧！我必使你们得安息。我心里柔和谦卑，你们应当负我的轭，向我学习，你们就必得着心灵的安息；我的轭是容易负的，我的担子是轻省的。”- 马太福音 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for you souls For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

easier said than done though...

我以祷告来到你跟前I Come Before Your Feet Through Prayer

2006-04-13T00:56:00.001+08:00

我以祷告来到你跟前，
我要寻求你。
我要站在破口之中，
在那里我寻求你。

每一次我祷告，我摇动你的手，
祷告做的事我的手不能做。
每一次我祷告，大山被挪移，
道路被铺平，使列国归向你。

主我是软弱及无助，
你却是我的力量。
以你亲切的手引导我，
那就是我的得胜。

Loose translation
I come before Your feet through prayer,
I want to seek You.
I want to stand in the gap,
There I will seek for You.

Every time I pray, I tug Your hand.
The things I pray about,
I cannot do them alone with my hands.
Every time I pray, even mountains move,
Paths straigten out for all nations to turn to You.

Lord, although I am weak and helpless,
You are my strength.
Your loving hands guide my ways,
To achieve victory.

nth much....

2006-04-13T00:48:00.000+08:00

hm... today was quite boring actually... 1.5 hrs of gp... followed by 1.5 hrs of econs... wed.. i think is the worse day... haha... after sian-ing for the whole day it was 1415... hm... went to co-op... to help buy some pe shirts for the some ppl... wah really luan... at first... din noe what size available... later i couldn't figure out which shirt is which house because of the packaging... then the size also not labelled for some... :/... but at least it was sorted out in the end... ~_~...

then i went for sports club... hm.. today it was the 1st time the j1 joined us for games... before tt... they went for a security talk until 1620... meanwhile we did pt and captain ball using a soccer ball... if i'm nt wrong... forget liao.. haha... then we played handball for a while... before playing captain ball again with a tennis ball and a ping-pong ball... haha... difficult to estimate where the ball will go... whether the ball will bounce... realised i'm not a very sporty person actually... haha... (still in sports club...) ... i cant seem to play games very well... haha... too nerd liao... only noe how to go home mug... the other time play soccer wif the guys also the same thing... like a fish out of water... cant do anything right... oh well... no leg hand co-ordination...

napfa coming soon... dunno whether i can get a silver... doubt it lah... my pull-ups... :/.... hopefully i can escape ptp... can enjoy a bit more freedom... many ppl say... the key to the happy 2 years is optimism... how optimistic can one be...? haha... well... treat it as a break from studies lor... -,-...

the physics tut...

2006-04-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

haha... today was really funny.... during physics tutorial... everything was chaotic... the class was practically just cracking one joke after another... continuously... all the way until rol cannot take it... haha... although the soccer league was not very encouraging... at least the class ended on a happy note..

after s paper maths from 5 to 630 :/... went out wif some of the classmates... we were laughing all the way becos of all the funny comments each one of us made... it was just like a laughing marathon... lol...

at least its a good thing... after hearing ms wong's comment that our class has been quite dull this year unlike the lively class last year... this lightens the mood a little... hopefully this happy mood will last till the end of a lvls... jiayou everybody...!

block test...

2006-04-06T01:25:00.000+08:00

recently i have been very tired... always sleeping very late... going to sch blur-blur... hope i will get to slp more now... haha... campus superstar just ended... chee yang won... as i expected... but he really has quite a nice voice...

after receiving block test result... still quite in a shock... my results quite bad... haha F for maths... which is suppose to be my strongest subject... oh well... am i too complacent... but thinking back... the level's average is 25... so am i suppose to get such grades also... i dunno... feel quite disappointed with my block test results.... dunno if i can actually cope with my 4 subs and 2 s papers... :(... physics s hasnt start yet... i really dunno what will happen when it actually starts...

after dealing with so much problems recently... i think i can finally relax a bit... i am at peace for i noe that God will deal with my problems... i have the assurance that He would....

updates...

2006-03-29T23:27:00.001+08:00

hm... blogger screwed up... so i took this chance to re-do my blog... with a new address... but my previous blog still missing from dashboard.... haiz... oh well... maybe its a diwine sign i should change my blog...
quite happy events happened recently... celebrated ben and serene's birthday... the bitch outing was very fun... must have more of them in the future b4 all the test start to pour on us... block test 1 is finally over... but still not very happy though... esp after mdm lee's scolding today...
she scolded the whole class for 45 min non-stop... wow... that is an achievement... but that's beside the point... i think its definitely a wakeup call to the class and to myself that if i dun be consistent in my work... my results will bring me no where... knowing that there is only 1 C in chem... not very encouraging... but at least the class noe that mdm lee is going to help us... however crudely she puts it... she still has our welfare in heart... and she scolds exactly like a mother... :p... lol... so S72... WAKE UP...!!! and start working hard for A lvls....
our class is getting closer.... yay... feels more bonded now... compared to last year... :/... bad... hope these friendships will stay long... very long... :)... bitch club... BITCH ON!! lol...

Simple Questions

2006-03-01T00:55:00.000+08:00

1. Name: Jammin'
2. Nicknames: jam, jasmine, jamina tuwawa, tjmj, jaa-min, germaine, jamie, etc...
3. Eyes: black
4. Height: 1.69m i think...
5. Hair: black...
6. Siblings: 1 younger sis....
7. Do u like to sing in the shower? i do... haha...
8. Do u like to sing in the toilet? seldom ba...
10. Sign: Scorpio...
11. Address: Toh Yi...
12. Sex: male lah....
13. Righty or lefty: Righty...
14. What do you want in a relationship most? convo..?
15. Have you ever cheated on someone: nope...
16. Martial status: Single...
17. Do you have a car? nope...
18. What kinda car do you want? i dunno cars...

chem spa (stic)

2006-03-01T00:42:00.001+08:00

today... quite a smooth sailing day... nth interesting actually... but i just watched a few episodes of desperate housewives... haha.... some scenes very funny... went to borrow desperate housewive shows to watch out of curiosity... after watching season 2 on mon... find it much interesting than the first time i watched the show... thought the show was just about sex... amplifying sex or some sort... oh well... actually it does... but there seems to be more to that... that's the funny part...

on a serious note... there seems to be a more solemn side to the show that it actually seems.... quotes like "Turns out I wanted all the wrong things..." Gabrielle... explaining her dissatisfaction with her husband.... "Did he even ever think to say 'Thank You'?"... Bree... commenting on a psychologist's theory.... "And how terrible alone I must've felt... You see... Loneliness was something my friends understood".... Mary Alice.... narrating after the note of hers was found.... "We all have moments of desperation. If we can face them head-on, that's when we find out how strong we really are..." Mary Alice... encouraging Susan about her husband... ironically... she died... quite meaningful and powerful quotes actually...

very caught up with many things recently... always doing lots of stuff... doing piano hw... doing chem tutorial... mugging chem spa... and physics is coming soon.... :/... realise i still have an econs and gp essay to do... but i just cant seem to settle myself down...

chem spa today quite successful... juz that i cant seem to confirm the shape of the graph... considering the fact that my 2 graphs actually joined into 1... haha... decided to follow jinyan to the bandroom after chem spa... see all the j1s there... then see ms ho there... b*ing... or fl*ting... acc. to someone... haha... so crazy lah... but fun... haha... u dun get to see such an open teacher often, u noe... jinyan was packing his library... jeremy with band ppl... moses jamming... ms ho... talking loudly... wow... the whole bandrm was so 'lively'... i juz lie on the floor going thru the qns before the maths s paper lecture.... with the 'help' of jeremy's ans... lol... cause i din prepare... maths s paper lecture... no aircon... hot (as in literally hot... haha)...! mrs wong talking real slowly... but at least it wasn't drowsy... haha... too warm to sleep anyway... realised that if i dun pull up my socks now... i dun think i can actually catch up wif sch work... maths s already making me very saturated with info... cant imagine when physics s start... what's going to happen man... not to mention i havent been very faithful in my homework...

my faith has been wavering... i often use verses to encourage ppl... it does its job... but when it comes to me... "yah, knew that, expected that, again?"... ironic... "when will i find out how strong i really am"?...

oh yah... my g8 theory is nxt sat... pls pray for me... not very confident of passing... din put much effort this time... no time also...

juz occured to me that ao chinese results is out tmr... hm... not very bothered by it though... haha... let's juz see the results...

all the best everyone....! :)

我還是對我現在的選擇沒有把握... 我知道我的行爲令你很難接受... 但相信我... 我自己也不好過... 你知道我是一個非常理智的人... 不可以就是不可以... 就當作我在嘗試保護雙方... 麻煩也會少了許多... 我還是得堅決地說不...

我無法很明確地告訴你友誼的定義... 我也未必能符合你的期望... 但我會盡力做好自己本分... 不足的地方... 就請包涵...

農曆"閑"年

2006-01-30T02:57:00.003+08:00

chi eng

不要問我爲什麽突然用中文寫我的blog。。。可能因爲農曆新年到了。。。對於那些不熟悉中文的朋友，就請多多包涵。。。

在這新的一年裡，我的心情和一月一日差不多一樣。。。很閑。。。剛剛看了一部叫 "Butterfly Effect" 的電影。。。看了之後﹐感慨萬千。。。戲裡述說了一個人要改變她心愛的女人的過去﹐有個美好的現在﹐和她在一起。。。在他發現自己能夠改變歷史後。。。便想盡法子糾正她的生命。。。結果弄巧成拙。。。害了她。。。最終唯一能夠確保她安然無恙。。。過著幸福美滿的生活。。。就是在他小時候狠心地和她斷絕關係。。。故事結尾。。。那個人在偶然的情況之下在路上和她擦身而過。。。雖然認得出她。。。但她不知道他是誰。。。

當他一次又一次的想改變歷史。。。總是弄巧成拙。。。這讓我領悟到其實如果我們當初沒有做錯一些東西。。。我們就不會有現在。。。我們必須走過一些挫折﹐一些失敗才能夠有今天。。。如果當時我們沒有這麼作的話。。。相信現在的我們可能會更糟。。。為了得到一些東西我們必須犧牲一些東西。。。要得到好的成蹟我們必須犧牲掉時間。。。他要心愛的女人有好日子過就得和她斷絕來往。。。這是同一個道理。。。

話雖如此﹐但我並沒有因此而得到安慰。。。我還是很後悔我過去的行為。。。過去的選擇。。。

福慶長老的逝世讓我心灰意冷。。。雖然高興他回天家了。。。能終於無懮無慮地安息。。。但我不禁為他家庭擔心。。。我不知道泉湧如何看待這件事。。。他表面好像還好但內心的傷痛有人知道嗎﹖。。。他家境不是很富有。。。雖然短時期還過的去。。。但長期來講。。。沒人能有把握地說他們熬得過。。。

不久。。。又發生另一回事。。。讓我覺得。。。有時我們的倔強。。。我們自己本身。。。是問題的源頭。。。我們無法找出解決方法。。。無法實踐我們的理想。。。就差我們自己的態度。。。自己的懶散。。。自己的驕傲。。。而無法達成願望。。。我反問自己有沒有態度問題﹐有沒有懶散﹐有沒有驕傲。。。沒答案。。。不明確。。。

看到身邊的人一個一個都心情不好﹑鬱悶﹑心煩﹑沮喪﹐我也好不到那裡去。。。可是仔細想想。。。有些朋友還真的不能從表面看出他有心事。。。若是我沒有去讀他的blog。。。我還蒙在鼓裡呢。。。可是呢。。。我就偏偏跟他不熟。。。即使懂了也無能為力。。。就盼神能夠替我代勞安慰他囉。。。

不知怎麼的了。。。我最近心很煩。。。定不下心。。。總是遲睡遲起。。。(你看我幾時寫這則blog就知道了啦)。。。搞到我總是昏昏欲睡。。。心神不定。。。迷迷糊糊的。。。想作點功課。。。到頭來還是作不了。。。可能是沒有自律吧。。。很閑。。。

對了。。。農曆新年到了。。。在此祝大家“學業進步﹑身體健康﹗”

Don't ask me why I am writing in Chinese... Maybe it's Chinese New Year... To those who are not familiar with Chinese... Sorry...

Although it is Chinese New year, a new year... I feel just the same as on 1st Jan... Very sian... Just saw a movie called "Butterfly Effect"... After reading it, I was overwhelmed with feelings... The movie showed how a man tried again and again to change the history of her love, to have a better future and be with her... When he found out that he could actually change history... he tried all sorts of method to change history... But it actually made matters worse... It harmed her even more... In the end, the only solution to keep her of harm's way; to live a happy life, was to go back to his childhood and break all ties with her... The movie ends with the man coincidentally meeting her love again on the street... they walk past each other... Although the man recognises her... but she does not know who he is...

Every time he tried to change history... things got worse... It made me felt that maybe if we had not done some wrongs in the past, we wouldn't have today... We just have to go through some problems, some failures before we can be what we are today... If we had not go through those wrongs... things could be even worse... In order to achieve smthng... we often have to sacrifice some things... To get good results we have to sacrifice time... The man wanted his love to have a good life, and had to break all ties with her... It's the same logic....

Although this is true... I am not conforted by this fact at all... I still regret the wrongs i have done... the choices i have made...

The death of FuQing Zhanglao dampened my heart... Although I am glad that he can finally return home... and rest in peace... i am worried for his family... I dunno how quanyong is taking this blow... he may be ok on the surface but who noes his deepest hurts?... He is not very wealthy... and may be able to carry on life in the short term... but in the years to come... no one can be sure they will be able to go through the tough times...

Recently... something else happened again... it made me feel.. that our stubborness... ourselves... is the root cause of problems... we often can't find solutions to answers... cant realise our dreams... all this is because of our attitude... our laziness... our pride... and thus our dreams are dust... i ask myself if i have attitude problems... or laziness... or proud... but... no clear answer...

I see people around me having bad moods, depression, frustration, sadness... Seems like i am not an exception... after mulling... i realise sometimes my friends aren't as happy as they seem to be on the surface... if i hadn't read his blog... i wouldnt even noe... but... ironically... i am not close to him... even if i noe his situation... i can't help him directly... all i can do is leave it up to God to comfort and encourage him...

For some reason... recently... i am very frustrated... cant seem to concentrate... always sleeping late... waking up late... (See what time i wrote this blog and you will noe)... In the end... i just get drowzy all the time... even if i want to do my hw... i just cant seem to do it... maybe i lack self-disciple... very sian...

oh yah... it's Chinese New Year... so I would like to with everybody... Good studies and a healthy body!

new year...?

2006-01-06T02:40:00.001+08:00

After all the trash last year, its finally a new year... :/.... not actually very happy though... i once mentioned that my fren's blog all negative entries... realise i am no exception... maybe blogs are a way of venting frustration and sadness... 心中的不满... 全部都发泄在文字里... sounds weird but isn't that what people are doing... shouting through written words...

this year's countdown was rather plain... didn't feel any excitement that a new year was approaching... felt more like problems... A levels... feel so restrained... can't do this... can't do that... every day so freaking busy with things that are not even important but i still do them... after settling church camp stuff then had to bother about which church to go to... then have to bother about part-time job... that stupid under-paid job that wasted by 2 weeks for just like $86... i really find myself doing stupid stuff all the time... trying to act happy... trying to act not bothered by all the passing remarks i hear... and the ignoring i get... sick...

prayed for a better year this year... started like shit... for some reason... i can actually feel myself becoming more and more rude... unconsciously... when people do things... my natural reaction is to react immediately and it's always appear rude... what's happening to me...

funny thing... until now... i am still asked by people why i did not join band... i think the fundamental reason is because i had a lot of miseries there... i was a sl who could not command respect from my juniors... i cannot play my trumpet properly... i cannot discipline people... it's horrible... what's best... even after graduating... 好心 go back there visit during camp... i still get shit from them... juniors that think making fun of me was so funny and entertaining... repeating and laughing at the same few jokes for like 1 hour all the way till they sleep... how lame can that be... and to go through that in jc just spoils my 2 years... spare me... i only got 2 years here... and i dun wan to 慢性自杀... but what's the point.... ironically... without band... my life ain't any better... maybe things would have been better if i joined band... maybe not... i dun wan to consider... pointless... just like sunk cost... any present decision will not change anything in the past... what's done's done...

honestly i am getting tired of people thinking i am very smart... i am the guai boy... must have finished all my dec holiday hw... well in fact... i din do any... i din touch hw until like 31 dec...? din finish anyway... went to sch wondering what would happen... well most of the ppl in class did them... i din... mr lee thinks i finished all my physics... sorry to disappoint you man... i've got no mood to study... to do anything in fact... i dun understand anything... 1 fact i finally 亲身体会... mugging only makes knowlege temporary... after the exams.... return to teacher... how nice right... now i trying to figure out... recalling what the teacher is actually toking about... sian...
now i got to bother about g8 theory exam... how fun... exams in march... not familar with the syllabus... no time to have piano lessons... din do hw... see how lor... :/

i realise one thing... appreciation matters... ignoring sux...

feeling very sian... got news that i am going to serve in bookstore ministry for 5 weeks str8... and it was suppose to be a fortnight thing... trying going to expo for church and have service 3 hours later... dressed formal... smiling... be friendly... and then stay until 9pm to do closing...
i feel very crap... until now... my hols hw still not done... dunno how to do... now i got 1 hard disk spoilt... must go replace... before that must recover information... how to recover 20 gb of info... store where...

go to sch... see the band ppl so united... i was suppose to be in there... was... but decided not to... what a joke... i go to a class where a fifth of the people are in band... how nice is that... it's not that i dun wan to join band... i just.. just dun wan to be reminded of the freak year in sec sch... dun wan to go through the stress of being a lousy player... never having a chance to play solo... not that i am capable of playing a solo.. but can u imagine... a band concert... fellow trumpeter who r exco each have a solo... while the sl doesn't... incapable... go bk play alumni also the same... izzen the sl suppose to be the best player... well... i got exco people in my section batch... im not saying that they r not fit... but rather... me... i love music... but i'm just not good at it... grade 8 practical... can't even play any song off-hand... can't even play simple score... what's the use of the certificate anyway... doesn't prove anything...

我不知道我在中学时是否做错了选择... 加入乐队... 我不知道我现在决定不加入乐队是否作对了... 我真的不知道... 坦白讲... 现在我对我人生中的每个决定都没有把握... 不知道哪一次又是一个惨痛的经验...

A day of anger

2005-09-21T23:14:00.003+08:00

well... today really very bad mood... go to sch face black until cannot black... first period was pe... it was a frisbee day... one of my favourite day... but no mood to play... the other team keep winning... bring my morale even lower... change opponents also the same... the group keep asking why we cannot win... the moment pe finished... i disappeared... went str8 to cafe.. then went for chinese lesson...

after chinese was econs tutorial... went in... really angry... dunno why... then moses keep making noise... at that time... i was really irritated... but i din say anything... who noes what i will do... most prob will shout at him to shut up... but its not his fault lah... he's always like that... juz that today... i cannot take it...

chi eng

then break... finally... can rest... i am so freaking tired these few days.... but as usually i din get to slp... juz went to eat... physics lecture... this was dreadful... started to fall asleep after eating... as usual... cant even listen properly to what ong was saying... towards the end of the lecture... i started to "regain my conscious"... ong released us early... so.. i went to ask jeremy some physic and math question... and i got my answer... haha... moses wanted to play the piano... so we went down... and started playing as in 玩钢琴 more like fooling around... haha... and jojo started playing... can tell she can play the piano... hm... seems like all the band ppl in sch quite multi-instrumented... then it was gp..

today really very sianz... after all these... i went to macs wif jj to study... overslpt on the bus ride... sianz... i din do anything there... juz sit there waiting for questions from him... at least finally i finished integration wif him... he then want to go west mall... so we took a bus there... on the way back... oversleep again.... dotz.... haiz... at least in the night i felt better... not so full of anger... and frustration... but why am i feeling so....

what is the qns?

2005-09-21T00:05:00.006+08:00

maybe because i am very tired... today i am not in a very good mood... go to sch... try to make myself happy bah... laugh.... joke... har-har...

then the best thing to spoil my mood totally... bring it all the way down to the core of the earth... someone asked me if i was gay... obivously not... and this isnt the first time someone frm this sch has asked me... 3 times to be exact... i really wonder what's wrong... why are people asking me this question... its only this year that i start getting this kind of weird questions... does my actions show as such... i dun see other people being asked so... so what's the fuss?... confused... melancholy.... sianz....

someone once told me a person's behaviour cannot show one's sexual orientation... haha... i wonder the authencity of that... is tt rite?... my assumption would be that his behaviour would somehow reflect... but oh well... dun care

i think acceptance is really impt in the society... and someone did reflect to me the world izzen a really accepting place... u got to be good-looking, smart, well-rounded or at least... be the norm.. any slight weird part of ur life is shown... there are bound to be ppl disliking u... (but be reasonable... if u choose to irritate ppl... dun blame others for hating u...) however, if u r did not, then i think u are juz one of the victims of this world... superficial... of course, i dun expect myself to be accepting of everyone but at least... respect... is what i think everyone wants and should be given... dun place ur focus on the shortcoming of others... just like how u dun want others to do so to u...

chi eng

promos around the corner... havent really prepared well... ppl ask me so... i reply no... they dun believe... then ask for what rite... 无聊的要死。。。 i juz try my best ba.... my morale for final year izzen really high... 过一天看一天吧。。 see how long i can last... moreover, things that happen recently aint helping me at all... and that stupid pw... why must it be so agonising to do... got to do eom and i&r... havent done no nothing... see how lorh...

1 or 2 i can still stand,
but izzen 3 too many,
confused, lethargy, sadness,
is more than what i can carry...

sianz...

2005-09-09T04:23:00.000+08:00

just finished my piano exam... screwed up the whole thing... examiner din use pedal.. i actually said she used it... she got a shock... i also got a shock... so embarassing... haiz... fail liao lorh.... next year must try again... sian sia... dun even noe whether i will have the time to do handle all this stress again... moreover... next year got block test...

feel so slack these few days... its like i haven't done anything at all... feeling like a dead fish... dun want to do anything... cannot do anything... promos coming liao... i still so blur about all my subjects... no time to study... no mood to study... dunno what's wrong wif me also... juz want to laze around do nothing... but got so much things to do...

went around reading some of my friends' blog.. suddenly find them very depressive... hm... what happened... seems like the blog only writes their troubles and anger... saddening to see them like tt lah.... i mean see them usually very cheerful one... but deep inside full of grief... no where to vent frustrations... hm... am i thinking too much...?

but at least i saw one happy entry... dotz.... haha.. good for him lorh....

maybe i dun disturb those ppl liao... every time go sch make a nuisance out of myself... forming a bitch club and being a member of it.... haiz.. fun is fun lah... but i find myself irritating ppl for my own leisure/entertainment... quite bad lah... but i dunno lah... sometimes i really find the class too quiet.... everyone's juz in their depressive moods... studying..... sometimes some bitching can add life to de class... haha... but well... dunno what's the response lorh...

i really hope i can enjoy my jc life lah... but it seems like i am asking for a lot...

feel quite bad actually.. sports club fairwell party for jc2.. i have to leave early... it seems like i can never make it for any sports club event... the camp lah... which was a very very good time for bonding and knowing each other... i cannot go... before that... canoeing... i also din go... now the fairwell party also i cannot go for the full thing... every time after sports club meeting also have to rush off to other places for bible study lah... or cg meeting.... cant stay for long.... relations in sports club also not say very gd... every time go there also dunno who to tok to.... who i can clique with... juz go there tok to myself... then everybody there think i am a loner..... wah liew.... what can i do rite... all of u all in ur cliques liao... i only can feel left out.

dunno lah... feel like everything is not going very well for me now lah... only can pray that God will make a way for me... where there seems to be no way... my piano exam... retake lorh.... studies... see how lah... got time to study zai shuo... relations in sports club... i cant do much now... too late liao... church stuff.... zou yi bu kan yi bu lorh..... wo mei zhe liao....

sianz....

youth day

2005-07-05T01:37:00.000+08:00

yeah... today's youth day... can rest at home... early in the morning suppose to meet gerald... but overslept... in the end he waited at the bus stop... and fell asleep :x... went to find him an hour and half later... so sorry... my dad was at home so i went over to jun jie house to watch the drama serial... he seemed quite tired... we watched only 1 disc.. and then he had to leave... i then stayed behind to wait for my sis and krist to go out... we went to plaza sing to watch initial D... it was quite boring there actually... before we could watch the movie... we were just walking all over the place... i was at carrefour looking at dvds, vcds, cds... haha... the movie was quite interesting to watch... i dun noe the comic so it was the first time in touch with initial D... it was better than what i expected... but the ending was quite abrupt.. i assume there would be a sequence to this movie... we then made our way home... nth much today actually...
go home.. watch tv... sleep...

Freedom finally

2005-07-02T00:51:00.000+08:00

it's over... common test is over liao... yay... can enjoy life for a few days.... then comes the post-exam stress disorder... the results.... ah sianz... meanwhile dun think about that...
today was quite confident in chinese... exams were not really that difficult.... today was quite humourous... we had to wait for about 3 ppl who arrive late to enter the exam room before the LC could start... everyone just started toking and "blaming" these ppl... when asked to write down MT tutor's name... almost everyone din noe how to... some dun even noe the tutor's name... lol.... quite ridiculous...
after that.. followed jun jie to ervin's house... found that ervin quite a nice person... very guai... haha... i only went there to study for the afternoon physics paper... rushed back to school... struggling to remember angular velocity, acceleration formula... but juz cannot remember... dunno y... went into the exam hall.... start paper... almost din finish... but some parts dunno how to do... haha... well to judge the paper... overall can pass lah... but gd grades... maybe not... before i left... chat a while wif the band ppl... went hm... then went for cell grp...
quite a wierd cell grp today i must say... the guitarist couldn't transpose the song... resulting in him playing 1 key... we singing another key... very dissonant... cannot sing properly at all... only in the end... somehow or rather... the key changed... then we were harmonious... haha... but honestly... the song quite hard to transpose... for me lah... in E major... start wif C#min some more... haha
well... arise and build for chc going to start liao... sis jo ask me to pledge 80 bucks every mth... i wonder whether the remaining money enuff for me to use or not... haiz... see how lorh... pray lorh...
been starting to do quiet time recently... not very regular i must admit... out of 6 wk... only 4 times.... diao... hope i can be more faithful ba....

sianz...

2005-06-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

Today just finish my Economics CT... erm... still ok lah... just that i din really study so definately cannot expect much lah... but at least can get C... I hope... today stay at home the whole day slacking.... suppose to study for Physics and MT tmr but... din really do anything...
argh.. feel so tired these few days... tried to tok to some people but no one seems to bother... haha... juz interested only about their common test... this question this lah... that question that lah.. say until i also sianz.... dun feel really happy these few days....
at least tmr is the last day of exams... can finally rest... on mon i think gerald coming over to my house to watch serials... haha... see how lah...
forgot to go for bible study on wednesday... haha... me and my short-term memory... even forgot about my piano lesson... wonder what i will forget next... my frens?... hope not ba...
heard that May Hwee wants to hold a ex-S72 outing again... looking forward to it after CT... then can qie cuo qie cuo yi xia...
kinda miss all the ex-S72 ppl... haiz... all the memories of 1st 3 months... nostalgic... but anyway have to move on in life rite...? Rite... (rhetoric qns.... -_-, what else)...
till tmr...

A New Day Breaks

2005-06-28T18:03:00.000+08:00

haha... since everyone's having a blog... i might as well have one too...
welcome...

2005-06-01T14:58:00.000+08:00

As you know, streetdirectory.com has been shutdown for a indefinite period. So I bring a collated list of alternatives.

Disclaimer:
This blog is not affiliated to any street directory in any way but is written from an individual perspective.

Personal recommendations:
SLA Streetmap
StreetDB
Gothere.sg

Read the following reviews to find out why.

SLA Streetmap:
http://www.map.gov.sg/StreetMap/HomePage.aspx
A street directory alternative affiliated with the Singapore government. Probably the most updated and accurate of all the maps. Any search should be verified with this for the greatest accuracy. Unfortunately, it does not offer the extras like directions, nearby amenities etc.

Asia Gis:
StreetDB:
http://www.streetdb.com/
(very good for searching nearby amenities)
Powered by Asia Gis. Well illustrated map. Search by postal code, building name/landmark or any keywords (for example "primary school"). With the option of searching results for driving directions from starting to ending point. Able to search results for nearby amenities. Bus stop info is included in map. Just point cursor at the bus icon.

Locale:
http://www.locale.com.sg/
Also powered by Asia Gis Search by postal code, building name/landmark or any keywords. Offers the largest map view compared to the other Asia Gis derivatives. Results can be searched for nearby amenities. Bus stop info is included in map. Just point cursor at the bus icon. Does not include the function for searching of driving directions.

Singaporeexpats:
http://maps.singaporeexpats.com/
(very good for searching nearby amenities)
Powered by Asia Gis. Search by postal code, building name/landmark or any keywords. Able to search results for nearby amenities. Bus stop info is included in map. Just point cursor at the bus icon. Does not include the function for searching of driving directions.

Yellowpages:
http://www.yellowpages.com.sg/newiyp/
Also built on Asia Gis engine. Search by postal code, building name/landmark. Bus stop info is included in map. Just point cursor at the bus icon. The above three Asia Gis engine apparently offers more function.

Gothere:
http://gothere.sg/
Using Google Maps with their own address database. Unique in the sense (when compared to Google maps and its derivatives) that it offers a detailed view of block numbers and landmark/buildings when zoomed in. Zooming in offers a more detailed map view. Includes bus services/bus stop info as well as arrival time. Just click on the bus icon. Bus services info is still incomplete at present point in time.

Also displays location of taxi stands in CBD. Look out for the orange icon.
Now includes location and rates of car parks as indicated by a "P" icon.
Location of ERP gantries and rates has also been added as indicated by a "ERP" icon.
Driving directions now includes option to avoid erp gantries.

Search for a location by entering in either the "From" or "To" field. Searching by address, postal code or landmark/building is allowed. You can search for directions by either Bus, Train, or Driving. Directions for driving does not allow alternative changes to a route unlike Google Maps.

Creator of the website seems to be dilligently updating the map and thus the impressive display of updated info, even though the search results seems to be less updated than the map itself. More updated list of locations/addresses compared to Google Maps.

Google Maps (Singapore):
http://maps.google.com/?q=singapore
http://sgmap.notlong.com

Google Maps Directions ( Singapore ):
http://maps.google.com/?q=singapore&f=d

Very useful for planning of driving route from starting point to destination. Just click on the "Get directions" link. Make use of the navigation menu on the left and the drag ruler to zoom in/out. There's even a option to avoid highway. You can form an alternative route by dragging "A" and "B" and the circles formed when pointed at the blue line. Right click on the circles to select "remove this destination" or "add a destination" option. Results even includes mileage.

Double left click on the map to centralise and zoom in. Double right click to zoom out. Left click and hold to drag the map.

You can also right click on a particular location to display a menu with extra options. (options include "Directions from here" "Directions to here", "Centralise map here", "Zoom in/out")

Users of Firefox should press the ESC button on your keyboard after right clicking to reveal the menu.

Convert between satellite, map or terrain view. Satellite button has a show label function.
I can search for terms like for example "wisma atria" and it displays the exact location.

Good for the planning of driving route but map is not as detailed as SLA Streetmap and is not up to date. Some search results might not work out well as it does not offer a extensive database of local road names, addresses, buildings/landmarks or locations. Unable to search by postal code. Able to search using keywords.

Rednano:
http://www.rednano.sg/sfe/map.action
Map service by SPH search engine. Right clicking offers extra options. Can be slow loading as website is still in beta. Can also search by postal code, building name/landmark or keywords. Search for driving directions from starting point to destination. Search results for nearby amenities.

Streetsine:
http://www.streetsine.com/main.html
Search function can sometimes take time to fully load and function. Has a set of search for properties and nearby amenities. Using google Maps API.

Shownearby:
http://sg.shownearby.com/
Building on google maps with its own functionality. Can also search by postal code, building name/landmark or keywords. Results can be searched for nearby amenities. Offers a more up to date and larger database of addresses/locations compared to Google Maps.

Shownearby Directions:
http://sg.shownearby.com/driving_directions
Click on 'Set Location' in the "From" and "To" row to set your starting and ending location respectively. The click on "Get Directions". You can also do a swap between the starting and ending points by selecting "Swap Direction". Planning of driving directions does not allow alternative changes to a route unlike Google Maps.

Can mapfinder:
http://202.172.177.8/mapguide/CAN_My...p/Main_Map.php

Able to search by keywords and enlarge map. Search for nearby amenities and directions. Click on "By Categories" for various search options.

Singapore-Streetmap:
http://singapore-streetmap.com
Another Google Maps based directory. Also using their own address database to complement Google Maps.

Old yellowpages map:
http://www.street-directory.com/yellowpages/
Using google maps API.

Street-directory /Jobstreet:
www.street-directory.com/jobstreet
Can search for nearby amenities. Search with keywords. Some locations can be outdated. Using Google Maps API with street directory's address/location database.

Multimap (Singapore):
http://www.multimap.com/maps/?hloc=SG|
Owned by Microsoft. Allows searching by postal code. Right clicking on map offers extra options. Allows search for amenities like MRT, carpark, Wi-fi hotspots and petrol stations.
Not effective for finding buildings/landmarks. Directions does not work for Singapore. Data powered by Tele Atlas.

Microsoft VirtualEarth (Singapore):
http://maps.live.com/default.aspx?v=...re1=&encType=1
Not as good or user friendly as Google Maps. Right clicking on Map offers more functions. Can be rather user unfriendly and confusing. Search for road has to be done in full name. Not effective for finding buildings/landmarks. Search terms for directions has to be suceeded by ", singapore" in order to point to Singapore locations. Data powered by NAVTEQ.

Mapking:
http://maps.mapking.com/
Search using the menu on the left. Make sure to select singapore before searching. Click on the results to show the map. Can also search for route from starting point to destination. Right click for more options. Some locations are extremely outdated. Very slow loading.

Bus/MRT Guide

Bus routes:
SBS buses: http://www.sbstransit.com.sg/journeyplan/overview.aspx
Smrt buses: http://www.smrtbuses.com.sg/busguide/

MRT:
http://www.smrt.com.sg/trains/fares.asp

Combined search for Buses, MRT:
Transitlink: http://www.transitlink.com.sg/eguide2.html

Map of SBS bus stops and its service numbers:
http://www.singeo.com.sg/singeo/maps/busstopmap.html
Search by road and point/click on the bus icon to see bus services/bus stop info. Bus arrival times are also provided. An excellent bus stop guide. Map can sometimes take a while to load.

Location/rates/info of HDB car parks
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/bn22/bn22004p....reMap?OpenForm

ERP/car park rates and other traffic/travel info
http://www.onemotoring.com.sg/publis...the_roads.html

Convert address/building name to postal code
Singpost:
http://www.singpost.com.sg/quick_services/index.htm

There are others like skypigeon, erouteplanner, street.com.sg. But they are basically similiar to Google Maps/Google Maps Directions but with reduced functionality. Therefore inclusion would be redundant.